Thanks guys. I can sleep soundly tonight. xx
Devils Blurb Episode 1 Feedback Page 2
Quote: charley rance @ June 5, 2007, 11:36 PMThanks guys. I can sleep soundly tonight. xx
Liar!!!!
Now then - to report back.
We did a couple of chunks out loud tonight and some of the failings are obvious. I need to go over it all again to see what I think needs changing. I'll post my amendment later.
Also - should each scene be marked because it isn't really clear where one scene ends and the next begins.
Yeah all the formatting is not done yet but the guts are there. I would be interested in hearing what didnt come across Dave because most of it I thought scanned..I bet it was long dialogue bits...I do tend to ramble on a bit 
. any way guys I think if we pick a bit and anaylse and rebuild that'll be best. Earman has put foward some intresting ideas for cahnges on the pm I welcome any one else's ideas
Quote: Gavin @ June 6, 2007, 10:12 AMEarman has put foward some intresting ideas for cahnges on the pm I welcome any one else's ideas
Here they are for the world to see. It's mainly additional dialogue. My additions are highlighted using arrows.
DEV
Of course it works. How else do
you explain Vanessa Feltz's
losing all that weight?
MAVIS
But, she put the weight back on.
DEV
She didn't take out the warranty.
Look, this service works. Every
time someone wins a contest when
they were not the favourite to do
so, that's us. Remember Wimbledon
beating Liverpool in the FA Cup
final of 1988? > When someone has success for no apparent reason, that’s us. Remember Darius ? Sorry about that. Anyway,< what
can we do for you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEV
But we CAN make her sound good to
the right people. Those who make
the important decisions in the
music business.
>
MAVIS
Like who? Simon Cowell?
DEV
Hey come on now. We do incredible stuff, but impossible’s impossible. But, don’t worry. Important people will be interested. <
MAVIS
In that case ... where do I sign?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHRIS
After the last time we went out?
I don't think so you're the whole
reason I have this.
CHRIS POINTS TO HIS HALO
DEV
>Do you think I could fit a basket ball through that?<
Here we go again I told you, it
was the clients fault how was
I
to know him asking for the best
poker hand wouldn't turn out
exactly how I intended.
INT. MUSIC PRODUCERS OFFICE
JEREMY
(OVER PHONE)
I tell you Gareth this kid was
straight up when she said she was
going to be the next Britney
Spears. > Without the head shaving madness.<
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
JEREMY (CONT'D)
If you could make this quick Miss
Arkwright, I have got other
Appointments, >I have a rapping mime artist that sounds rather interesting,< so if you could just
stand there and begin as soon as
you’re ready.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELZA
Christian here is a Heavenly
Councillor. That's right folks he
bats for the other team. He has
a
right to counsel would be
candidates or to try and convince
them from committing a deadly
sin. By rule of balance we have
to have his pitiful self here.
>DEV
Plus, Miss Bob thinks he’s sexy.
ELZA
That’s enough, Dev.
DEV
Can’t resist his smile.
ELZA
Shut up Dev
DEV
I’m just joking around. Relax.
ELZA
Anyway, <you don't have to socialise with
him, though he will probably
haunt your arse anyway, Christian
has a thing for arses don't you
dear, and as I am sure you can
see is really quite the gayo.
>DEV
But, if he wasn’t, you’d be all over him.
ELZA
Shut up Dev.< We
have a list of people who are
destined to die within the next
few weeks.
ELZA
It's a client list Dev, not
a
comedy sketch.
>DEV
Am I bothered?
Dev looks at Catherine, pleased with his ‘witty’ comment. Catherine shacks her head. <Dev hands the list back to Elza
DEV
(Grinning)
I thought you liked the rough
&
ready types Elza. Catherine has
already observed your obvious
attraction to me. Isn't that
right Catherine. >In her fantasy world, me and Christian are fighting over her. <
---------------------------------------------------------------
She's got the voice of an angel.
RECORD EXEC
>An Angel with a shite voice.<
-----------------------------------------
Does the service work?
DEV
(winks)
It certainly is Madam. > If it wasn’t for us, nobody would have watched Home Alone. Trust me.<
------------------------------------------------
MAN
READING BOX)
"Heaven can wait", "Ghost", "The
Exorcist"? >“Butch Lesbians and the lapdance kid”?
DEV
(Taking the DVD away) Sorry.<
MAN
OK there you are all
signed.
Man takes the dvd shuts the door, Dev takes of full pelt
leaving Catherine looking confused on the door step. Dev
leaps behind a hedge. Cat starts walking back to the edge
Dev is hiding behind. Suddenly a big bang from inside
house. Dev stand up and raises his hand to high five with
Catherine. Catherine turns and walks away.
>DEV
(Calling) You want to watch this (the DVD) with me later?<
---------------------------------------------------------
How's thing working out with CAtherine?
DEV
Great. >Needed a little convincing at first, but she’s on board now.< She is a nice kid.
25.
DEV
What’s going on guy?
(SEEING THE CORPSE)
Oh..
.
DEV
Well…
>Cat pushes Dev out of the way.
CAT
(TO JEREMY)
I might have something
that’ll interest you.<
END
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Just a few ideas I had yesterday when I read the script. These just popped into my head and I wrote them down without really thinking about them. Let me know what you think.
The thing is now we've all got ideas of how it can be improved. If we all improve it the way we think it will be totally different.
To answer you Gavin I'm afraid I didn't get too much performed unfortunately. Just some of the first page and a bit in the Honeymoon Suite.
As I say there is room for improvement everywhere.
So who is going to take it in hand and do the final edit?
As head writer it will be between me and the two editors. so ideas for improvments please post them
Where's the rest of the montage? I thought it was longer than that.
It was but it was cut down a bit to run a bit smoother, We now have more material then we need which is good because if stuff gets chopped we can fill with no bother at all. don't sweat guys I'm chatting to editors now and as soon as they come back to me I will come back to you.
Where's this sitcom being aimed at? Who's the target audience? I read it, and kind of liked it, but struggled to work out where it would actually go? It seemed curiously old fashioned, and out of step with modern comedy. This might be a strength, but it could also be a weakness when it comes to placing it.
This is a post water shed obsceure BBC 2 sort of slots. Audience wise much on the same vein as black adder/ red dwarf. I envision it starting as a bit of a culty thing that'll snowball into more popular show one of the writers to develop an ego and leave then the show take a dip in quality go for two more series before it falls apart and everyone goes off and does their own projects
Hi Chipolata. I think it is almost impossible to see where a show is going to go on its first episode. The point is to tune in & watch the next one, then the next.
I dont feel it is old fashioned. Its more a modern outlook on an old fashioned belief.
However if you can think of anyway to jazz it up that would be FaNtAbUlOuS. Gavin is after feedback and ideas.
The majority of comedys out at the moment are based around the home, families or couples There is too many of them. Something a little different would be cool. 
Well here are the votes of the Chapman household...
the following page 1
DEV (UNDER HIS BREATH) : Give her time...etc. (I'm not sure about this line. I guess it's to show she's no good for anything else).
Page 3 re Fantastic 4.
CHRIS ; Do you think she's hot?
DEV ; No but her brother is,
CHRIS ; What you fancy him?
DEV : No - but he is the Human Torch
CHRIS ; Ha ha. But don't you fancy her at all...
I didn't understand the Poker sketch at all I'm afraid.
Page 4 - Catherine's intro starts OK but is cut too short.
Page 7 - remove the line ELZA - "...not a comedy sketch". It's asking for trouble a bit.
Page 10 - change RECORD EXEC : "an Angel choking on a sandwich" to "a Hell's Angel" maybe.
Page 14 - montage - I think we should add a third one - what about the one where they're knackered?
Page 15 - WAITER (LAUGHING) : change "I mean the body's smoking" to "hot" or just "great".
Those are just my thoughts. Use them if you agree.
Also when it comes to final draft I'll do the Proof Reading OK?
A delight.
In response to Charley (who, incidentally, looks quite hot if her post-coital picture is anything to go by) I think when you pitch a sitcom you need a very clear idea of where it's going. Very few channels or production companies are going to back something that is going to develop as it goes along. They want the finished product now, especially if new writers are involved. So my advice would be to really sharpen up the treatment, and make it crystal clear who this show is aimed at and where it would fit in the schedules. I agree, the fact that it's a bit different is a great selling point, and you've got to really drive that point home when trying to flog it.
Good point chipo. About the sypnosis & the fact I am quite attractive.
Were you drunk???
I am glad you like the idea around the Devils Blurb & Gavin did you read that. We have to Sell sell selll the idea.