Just a note.. Tried writing something for the sitcom trials but ended up writing this instead to get the format into my head.
I don't think that I can send it anywhere as it doesn't have that much appeal outside of those who are interested in the structure of sitcoms.
Any comments would be more than welcome..
cheers
INT. SHEILA'S OFFICE. DAY
SHEILA IS SITTING AT THE DESK. SHE IS A WOMAN IN HER LATE
FORTIES WHO DRESSES IN MANNER TOO YOUNG FOR HER YEARS.
ALAN NERVOUSLY POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR. HE IS A YOUNG
MAN IN HIS EARLY 20'S. HE DRESSES IMMACULATELY IF A LITTLE
OLD-FASHIONED.
UNDER HIS ARM, HE NERVOUSLY CLUTCHES A BRIEFCASE.
ALAN
Hello?
SHEILA
Hello, yes?
ALAN
Is this the sitcom?
SHEILA
And you are..?
ALAN
I'm Alan, the introductory character
with which the audience identifies.
SHEILA
And you're here to...?
ALAN
Well, basically give a focus of
normality and guide the viewer through
all the wacky situations that are in
store for me. You must be...?
SHEILA
Sheila, I'm the authority figure who
ensures that you and your co
characters have something to pit their
wits against and elicit some wacky
scenarios, hopefully to the delight of
the audience. I'm also a middle-aged
woman in a position of power which -
given the fact that the writer is a
heterosexual male, means that I am
constantly gagging for it.
ALAN
Does that mean innuendo?
SHEILA
Oh, yes. Innuendo, double entendre,
the full monte. I bet that you would
have been good in that..The Full
Monty..nice fit young man like you.
ALAN
I'm not sure...
SHEILA
That's because you're the nervous new
recruit, a perfect foil for my sexual
worldliness. I'm sure that you'll fit
in quite nicely.
ALAN
Double entendre?
SHEILA
Yes. Now before you meet the rest of
the cast, do you have the inciting
incident with you?
ALAN
(confused)
Inciting...?
SHEILA
Incident. The inciting incident, the
catalyst...You know, the problem! It
turns up in the first act, there's a
struggle to overcome it in the second,
leading to a tidy little resolution at
the end?
ALAN
I...erm..
SHEILA
Surely they told you.
ALAN
I'm sorry, I.....
SHEILA
Never mind, something will come up.
(moving in close to Alan)
It usually does when I'm around.
ALAN
Innuendo?
SHEILA
You're catching on! now, what do you
know about the job?
ALAN
Very little. Only what I've read in
the T.V. Listings.
SHEILA
Well, we are a generic company based
in the South East, and have been
producing whatever it is that we
produce, for an unstated number of
years. The pay is immaterial and your
only chance of a holiday is either a
seasonal special or a spin-off feature
film which no-one likes. Any
questions?
ALAN
No.
SHEILA HEADS TOWARD THE DOOR.
SHEILA
Good. Now,it's time to meet your
colleagues, all of whom despise me.
If you'd like to come with me..
ALAN
Ah! Double entendre!
SHEILA STOPS SHORT AND LOOKS AT HIM COLDLY.
SHEILA
No.
(beat)
This way.
INT. OFFICES. DAY.
THE OFFICE HAS 3 DESKS, WATERCOOLER ETC.. THE DESKS HAVE ALL
THE USUAL CLUTTER THAT YOU WOULD ASSOCIATE WITH A BUSY
OFFICE. THERE ARE 2 DOORS. ONE LEADS TO A TOILET, THE OTHER
TO THE CORRIDOR.
DAVEY SITS SLEEPING IN A CHAIR NEAR THE REAR OF THE OFFICE,
SUE AND GUY ARE CROUCHED AROUND HIM. SUE HAS A CAN OF SHAVING
CREAM IN HER HAND.
SUE
Is he right-handed or left-handed?
GUY
I don't know. Hang on.
GUY STANDS AND ADOPTS THE GAIT AND VOICE OF OLD DAVEY.
I'm Davey, an older character created
to add some contrast to your youthful
shenanigans. I have old-fashioned
views that are as bigoted as they are
charming and if you can't find it in
your heart to enjoy my winsome
meanderings, you can FUCK RIGHT OFF!
HE RAISES THE MIDDLE FINGER OF HIS LEFT HAND. HE LOOKS AT IT.
(to Sue in his own voice)
Left-handed.
SUE
Very good!
(clapping)
So, left hand it is. Pass me the
shaving foam.
GUY
This should be good.
SUE SPRAYS THE FOAM INTO HIS HAND.
SUE
Right, done. What now?
GUY
Tickle his nose.
SUE
What?
GUY
Tickle his nose. Come on, it's not as
if there aren't enough hairs coming
out of it to choke a rhino. Do it!
SUE
I can't.
GUY
Why not?
SUE
Because...there's a crusty bit.
THEY BOTH SHUDDER.
GUY
I thought that you were supposed to be
the gutsy post modern woman who's not
afraid to use her sexuality as a
weapon to get what she wants? You'll
never be asked to get your bits out
for nuts magazine at this rate.
SUE
What, because I wouldn't tug at an old
man's nose hair like a demented
bellringer? You do it.
GUY
No.
SUE
Oh, I see, so it's alright...
GUY
Wait...
SUE
..for me... what is it now?
GUY
(LISTENING)
It's Sheila!
THEY QUICKLY RETURN TO THEIR DESKS AND APPEAR TO BE WORKING
FURIOUSLY, LEAVING DAVEY ASLEEP IN THE CHAIR WITH A HANDFUL
OF CREAM. ALAN AND SHEILA ENTER.
SHEILA SNAPS THE DOOR OPEN HOPING TO CATCH THEM DOING
SOMETHING THAT THEY SHOULDN'T.
SHEILA
'Morning everyone!
SUE AND GUY CONTINUE TO LOOK INDUSTRIOUS
SHEILA (CONT'D)
'Morning!
GUY
Sue, do you have the records for the
Johnson account? I need them asap!
SUE
Prepared and ready to go!
GUY
Excellent work! You know, you bring a
new meaning to the word efficient.
Together, we're going to make sure
that we live up to the rightfully high
standards of professionalism that this
company expects of us.
(Guy pretends to notice
Sheila for the first time)
Sheila! I never noticed you there. And
who is this fresh-faced youth? Your
older brother perhaps?
SHEILA
Alan, this is Guyour young male
character. He's cheeky, charming eye
candy but will show a vulnerable side
when the plot calls for it.
We have a backstory together that
suggests that we may have had an
intimate liaison during an office
party at some point in the past.
GUY
Hi.
ALAN
Hello there.
SUE
Hiya!
SHEILA
Alan is our central character. He's
quite bland, sexually timid and easy
to please. But these are early days
and I'm sure that the writer will
flesh him out a bit by episode three.
I know I would.
Where's Mr Calloway?
SUE
Over there.
SHEILA
Is he sleeping? MR CALLOWAY! ARE YOU
SLEEPING?
DAVEY
(in his sleep)
Mmmm. Sheila. I love it when you're
dominant. Oh yes!
SHEILA
Mr Calloway, can I remind you that YOU
ARE ON DUTY!
DAVEY
Oh yes! You like that, don't you. You
bad girl. Oh yes...
SHEILA
MR CALLOWAY!
DAVEY
Call me stallion....
SHEILA
(to Alan)
Pass me that stapler.
ALAN HANDS THE STAPLER TO SHEILA. SHE OPENS IT AND USES IT ON
DAVEY'S EAR. DAVEY LETS OUT A ROAR AND BRINGS HIS RIGHT HAND
UP TO HIS STAPLED EAR.
GUY AND SUE
Right-handed!
DAVEY
I was having such a good dream.
(to Sheila)
You and me were...
(he looks at his hand filled
with foam)
Oh no.... I've embarrassed meself.
SHEILA
Alan, I'm going to leave you in their
capable hands. I've got to find that
incident.
(to Sue and Guy)
Don't teach him any bad habits!
SHEILA EXITS. IMMEDIATELY GUY AND SUE RELAX. GUY PUTS HIS
FEET UP AND STARTS TEXTING WHILE SUE GETS OUT A MAGAZINE.
ALAN SITS AWKWARDLY BETWEEN.
ALAN
So....well....I must say that this is
a great opportunity..... erm...what is
it we do, exactly?
SUE
Banter mainly.
GUY
And high jinx..
DAVEY
..but mainly banter.
(pause)
ALAN
..I see... but what does this company
do? What do we produce?
SUE AND GUY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT
ABOUT IT BEFORE.
SUE
I'm not sure. Guy?
GUY
Dunno. Davey will know, he's been here
for 30 years. Davey, what is it we
make?
DAVEY
Make?
GUY
You know... the phone calls, the
Johnson account... what is it we're
selling?
SUE
..or making..
GUY
..or making.
DAVEY STOPS TO THINK BEFORE ADDING STRONGLY..
DAVEY
Well, it's not paper supplies. That's
for f**king sure! I mean, that's been
done and we don't need the hassle of a
lawsuit! I'd just like to make that
perfectly clear!
SUE
Well said. Not paper supplies then..
DAVEY
NO! NOT paper supplies!. Definitely
not!
(he grabs Alan)
DO YOU UNDERSTAND!! DO YOU? DO YOU???
ALAN
I do, yes! I understand!
GUY AND SUE
I think he gets it, Davey.
DAVEY
(calming down)
Good....good.
SUE
What about widgets?
DAVEY
(returns to normal almost immediately
and gets out a newspaper)
... yeah. Alright... Widgets...we
make..
GUY
..or sell..
DAVEY
..or sell widgets.
ALAN
I see.
DAVEY
I'm off for a jimmy shit.
DAVEY EXITS
SUE
Here, where did Sheila say she was off
to?
GUY
She said she was looking for an
exciting incident. She's probably off
to the store cupboard with Craig from
accounts.
SUE
What's he like?
GUY
Who? Craig from accounts?
SUE
Yeah.
GUY
Oh, I don't think he actually exists.
He's just referenced now and then as a
sexual liaison for Sheila.
SUE
Ah.
ALAN
Inciting incident.
GUY
What did you say, new boy?
SUE
Oh, aggression! Nice touch.
GUY
Thanks.
(to Alan)
Speak.
ALAN
Sheila said that she was looking for
the inciting incident. She thought
that I might have it, but I don't.
GUY AND SUE
Shit!
SUE AND GUY START SEARCHING FRANTICALLY AROUND THE OFFICE,
PULLING OUT DRAWERS ETC.
ALAN
What....is It important?
GUY
Sue, try that drawer over there.
SUE
Which one?
GUY
All of them!!
ALAN
I.. I didn't realise that it was so
important. What is it anyway?
GUY
What is it? What is the inciting
incident?!! It's only the thing that
drives the whole plot, that's all.
SUE
It's what makes people tune in again
after the adverts!
GUY
It's... it's...
SUE AND GUY CLOSE IN ON ALAN AS HE SITS NERVOUSLY ON THE
CHAIR.
SUE
It's the health inspector coming to
the hotel..
GUY
It's the cover for King and Country..
SUE
..Godber's boxing match...
GUY
..Alan's second series..
SUE
..The stolen whistle...
GUY
..The office party..
SUE
..the pregnant pig..
GUY
..the antique watch..
GUY AND SUE
It's the fallen Madonna with the big
boobies!
ALAN
I don't have it!!
SUE
Clearly.
GUY
This is a disaster. We're already half
way through act 2 and we don't have
anything!
ALAN
Couldn't you just make something up? I
mean, a visiting relative or
something? ... I know! They're going
to close the office and...
GUY
...and.. Sheila has to decide who she
has to fire! Brilliant!
SUE
It's been done. The paper suppliers.
GUY
Shit!
SUE
It's too late now anyway. We're nearly
into act 3 and Davey hasn't even done
his catchphrase yet. We're lost.
ALAN
Catchphrase?
GUY
Yeah. "There's a turn up for the
f**king books!" Crap really.
SUE
Wait, let's think about this
logically. Sherlock Holmes said "when
you have ruled out the impossible,
whatever remains, no matter how
improbable, must be true"
GUY
(to Alan)
See.. Educated and sexy.
ALAN
I think I'm in love.
GUY
Naturally.
SUE
Let's see... Sheila interviews Alan...
DAVEY RETURNS FROM THE TOILET.
DAVEY
Oooh, that's better!
GUY
Good one?
DAVEY
Twice round the bowl, no need to wipe.
DAVEY HIGH FIVE'S ALAN WHO RESPONDS AUTOMATICALLY, THE
REALISES, TAKES OUT A PAPER HANKY AND STARTS WIPING HIS HAND.
DAVEY (CONT'D)
So, what's happening, then? Time for
my catchphrase yet?
SUE
Sshh! Quiet, I'm trying to think!
DAVEY
What is this? Jonathan Creek?
ALAN
Sshh!
(Davey throws him a look)
Sorry.
GUY
(to sue)
Go on...
SUE
Now, the inciting incident must be
here or we wouldn't.
DAVEY
Wouldn't what?
GUY
Be here, doing this.
SUE
Now, what's changed from last week?
GUY
Last week's was funny.
SUE
Apart from that.
THEY ALL FALL INTO SILENCE, THINKING..THEN..
DAVEY
(pointing at Alan)
Him!
THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK AT ALAN WHO SITS QUIETLY WITH HIS
BRIEFCASE UNDER HIS ARM.
ALAN
(smiling weakly)
I.... Erm...
GUY
Of course! It was Alan, in the office
with the creepy smile!
ALAN
..creepy..?
SUE
Alan. What have you got under your
arm?
ALAN
Erm...hair?
GUY
No, that! What's that?
ALAN
A briefcase, I suppose. I'm not really
sure. The script called for it.
DAVEY
Aha!!
DAVEY SNATCHES THE BRIEFCASE, THROWS IT TO GUY WHO PASSES IT
ONTO SUE. SUE PLACES IT ON THE DESK. THE OTHERS GATHER
AROUND.
SUE
Gentlemen, I give you.... The inciting
incident!
THEY ALL LOOK INSIDE AS SUE OPENS THE BRIEFCASE. THERE IS A
WARM GOLDEN GLOW THAT BATHES THEIR FACES A LA PULP FICTION.
ALAN
Is that it? It's not very big.
SUE
Well, to be fair, it is quite weak.
GUY
And old.
THEY NOD IN AGREEMENT.
DAVEY
Well, there's a turn up for the
f**king books!
SHEILA ENTERS
SHEILA
How goes it? Shouldn't you all be
working?
GUY
We have been.
SHEILA
And..?
SUE
Well, we found it. New boy here had it
all along.
ALAN
I had no idea...!
GUY
So what's now?
SHEILA
Well, let's see... Plot resolved?
SUE
Yep.
SHEILA
Characters introduced?
GUY
Check!
SHEILA
Romantic subplot established?
ALAN
I'm working on that.
SHEILA
With me?
ALAN
No, Sue.
SHEILA
Ah.
GUY
(to Alan)
You've no chance.
SUE
Oh, I don't know..
SHEILA
Has Davey said his catchphrase yet?
DAVEY
All present and correct.
SHEILA
Has anyone said wank?
SUE
That's new!
SHEILA
Oh come on people! If we've got any
chance of a getting a series, we have
to be edgy, dangerous, say "wank"
occasionally!
GUY
Wank
SHEILA
Thank you! That wasn't too hard now
was it?
SUE
Wank
SHEILA
Ok..
DAVEY
Wank
GUY
Wank wank
SHEILA
Right,stop!
DAVEY
Wank wank wank wank wank
SUE AND GUY AND DAVEY ALL START SAYING WANK
SHEILA
Right!! Could everyone please stop
wanking in the office!
SILENCE
ALAN
Wank.
SHEILA
Alan, I'm surprised at you!
SHEILA STORMS OUT. THEY ALL START LAUGHING.
GUY
Well, that should be enough to get us
on freeview by the end of the month!
SUE
Alan, I think that you're going to fit
in here just fine.
SUE KISSES ALAN
DAVEY
Roll credits!
CREDITS ROLL
p.s sorry about the structure, I'm having a real problem formatting final draft ready for posting.
). Overall, I found this genuinely funny, but the test will be where you go from here with an original idea.
