Some sketches written with college chums Page 2

Basically... at some point we decided every script should have the phrase 'pig rapists' in it somewhere.
We decided this using logic.

Anyway, here's a script. It is very good and not in need of any improvement at all. You will prrobably die because it is so good:

"PROFESSOR GUNTHER VON HAGENS & THE ANATOMISTS"
FADE IN:

A TV STUDIO
Professor Gunther Von Hagens prepares to perform one of his televised autopsies

GUNTHER
Hello, zere. I am professor Gunther Von Hagens. Over here, ve haff a …uh… young voman. Here are both her breasts.

An intern hands him a scalpel

GUNTHER
Today, ve are looking at various…uhh…body…things and…um…cutting zem up a bit.

He slices into the dead bodies chest

GUNTHER
Here ve haff ze ribcage…it is zere to…stop…um the falling out of organs. And… also… you can, as you see…

He picks up two mallet-style drumsticks from his metal tray and begins to play the ribcage, it sounds exactly like a xylophone

He stops playing

GUNTHER
Now…

The sound of a bass guitar is heard, Gunther spins around to find the intern strumming another corpses tendons.

We cut back to Gunther, he is playing a length of large intestine as a saxophone.
Back the intern, he slices off his corpses penis and plays it as a flute.

They both pick up a pair of lungs and begin to squeeze them, we see from above that as they squeeze the lungs the corpses sing various notes; they sing ‘bah bah black sheep'

As a finale, Gunther plays a stomach like the bagpipes; smoke surrounds him and dancing girls wearing alluring attire resembling bloodstained medical scrubs appear in the background.

Suddenly, the dancing girls are gone, Gunther observes the blood soaked TV studio and calmly puts the stomach back inside the dead body.

GUNTHER
Buh bye now.

THE END

Does Stan Winston even do sketch comedy assignments?

Ok. Now we are getting somewhere. Comedy is all about the learning curve after all. Shoot it and get it up on you tube.

I think there's definitely potential there, some good premises but I thought the writing was a bit self-aware and not as focussed as it could be. The "Chavs in Car" sketch therefore was the best for me, short, sharp and with a decent punchline.

I'm going to agree with what most are saying. There are some very good ideas in there, but the writing in itself is very clumsy and I think this ruins most of them. Are these first drafts or have improvements been made since their conception?

Quote: Eggie @ August 22 2008, 4:38 PM BST

And I'm gutted about the Monkeydust thing, not so much because they had idea but because it means there are episodes of Monkeydust I haven't seen...

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That was a regular in the first series Eggie.

I will suggest opening new threads for new sketches (say 2 a thread?), Critique gets very busy, as certain people post a lot more than others, just makes it easier for everyone Eggie.

Their brains get scrambled Eggie.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ August 24 2008, 11:59 AM BST

Are these first drafts or have improvements been made since their conception?

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There have been little edits but definately nothing I'd call a second draught.
What would be the best way of doing that, should I try and make them shorter or is it more to do with the dialogue not being too written rather than there being too much of it?
Or is it both?
It's both, isn't it?

That was a regular in the first series Eggie.

Ah, I think I may have missed most of that. The third series was when they had the longer Omar sketches, right? I love those characters so much... and so prophetic...

Their brains get scrambled Eggie.

I'll try and be more sensitive next time. I've lived a very shell-tered life, you see.

Quote: Eggie @ August 24 2008, 4:14 PM BST

I've lived a very shell-tered life, you see.

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I get jokes

Quote: Eggie @ August 24 2008, 4:14 PM BST

I'll try and be more sensitive next time. I've lived a very shell-tered life, you see.

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You have too... otherwise in this industry Eggie you'll be toast, or on it.

Quote: Marc P @ August 24 2008, 8:46 PM BST

You have too... otherwise in this industry Eggie you'll be toast, or on it.

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Don't egg him on.

Quote: Winterlight @ August 24 2008, 9:12 PM BST

Don't egg him on.

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I think we're all getting a bit over eggsited over this...

You should all just omlette it go.

I like the idea behind the first one but once you realise the gag that's it, I felt. Great idea though. I didn't finish the sketch, it may well be good though. I couldn't read anymore. Too much for me at one go. I'd post 'em one at a time if I were you.

Fx

{edit}
Just read the rest of 1. Liked it! Still say post 'em one at a time guv!

Quote: Eggie @ August 24 2008, 11:57 PM BST

You should all just omlette it go.

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Yeah, we don't want to see you getting egg on your face. >_<

Didn't read the first bunch as the formatting gives me headache. Second bunch are quite funny with Achilles, etc. but don't get the 'Pig rapist' bits. Too weird for me.

I like 'Professor GVH and the Anatomists' very much indeed. Needs less of an introduction and straight into the autopsy rather than the exposition at the top ie. INT. AUTOPSY ROOM. and first line should be 'Today ve are looking...'. Also, that line should finish with a subtle reference to music ('cutting up' is crying out for a music 'riff/jam' reference, not that I can think of one).

Maybe there are two many 'mini-skits' in there. I'd go for two and then the big band finale, rather than invidual showings-off of body parts as instruments. (Rule of three and all that.)

Also, it needs a better punchline rather than just 'Bye bye, now'. *So* much scope for different punchlines here, a big strong finish is needed to do it justice. (You could either go for a back to normality punchline or another music/rock band related one).

Good work though. Funny and inventive. Me like.

Dan