Devils Blurb Episode 1 Feedback

Ok guys the script is available to have a look at

http://www.greenmanmedia.co.uk/Devil.pdf

comments views ideas come in here so we don't get confused. Personally I think it's quite good bit rough around edges but still pretty good

Brilliant. Cant find fault with a single thing. Well done all.

thanks Gavin. I'll have a look through and come back to you. I'm sure there will be something I'm not totally comfortable with.

When is the deadline?

Bugger - I can't view it. Can anyone help?

I gotta read this, later though.

Its a bit late tonight but I'll check this out asap, very excitied

I've had a quick read and I like it. The characters seem good. I have a few suggestions, but I won't mention them yet. I'll read it again first.

I'm running it off tomorrow and trying out a few chunks with some actors to see how it works.

I'll report back.

I just re read & Maybe one of the bits I done need scaling or changing a little. The scene where Elza is explaining quotas and targets for the benefit of Cat. Where she was picking on Christian a little. Just my opinion on my own work. xx

ok thats good keep it coming in guys all feedback is welcome. I thought same maybe a bit to much on christian but then he is gods child lol

Hi All

I haven't been involved with this at all so apologies if I'm repeating anything. On the plus side (hopefully) you will get the observations of an outsider.

First thing to say is I'm impressed you have kept the momentum going on this project - one of the reasons I didn't get involved was because I thought you were attempting the impossible, so it's great to see a team that has got this far and is still going.

Now, the script. I know it is a rough-and-ready draft, and inevitably it is a bit disjointed with several hands being involved. But it could do with someone going through and tidying up - e.g there are some slips like "could of" v "could have", "no were" v "nowhere". Some of the early dialogue needs a lot more punctuation too! These points might seem minor but it's not as easy to read as it could be, and that makes it harder to follow.

Now, on to the main stuff - the structure. Can you sum up what this episode is about in a couple of lines? Because it goes off on a few tangents at times and I think we lose the narrative drive. I'd prefer to have more of Charlotte and her career path. For me, she also comes into the action a bit late. One option (your choice) would be to open with Charlotte singing to the music producer - then the viewer can be intrigued by the different versions of her voice. Then flashback to your opening scene in the office where her Mum does the deal. It also cements the idea early that we are going to follow what happens to Charlotte. An alternative would be to open with Catherine arriving, and witnessing the first deal as "work experience". Then we are following Catherine through the story.

I also got confused at times because there are a lot of named characters and it isn't clear who they are. For example, Chris speaks before he is even introduced; Andi and Gareth crop up but they don't seem important. Do they need to be named, or could they be "RECEPTIONIST", "MAN" etc. Or do you even need them at all?

There are a couple of long bits of speech which need to be trimmed or broken up (e.g. Dev on p10 and Elza on p7). The latter is amusing but there's a lot of exposition in it. Could you show some of this in another way?

Finally, there aren't many gags and there is a fair bit of plot/exposition in the dialogue. No problem for now, 'cos I'm sure when you you get the structure right you can make the gags come.

My favourite gag so far is the one about Vanessa Feltz's warranty (but NB Wimbledon didn't win the cup in overtime!). I also liked the montage a lot.

Hope this is useful. Overall, it's a good concept (it has similarities to Bedazzled, as I'm sure someone must have said, but I think it is different enough with all the targets and quotas, etc). I look forward to seeing more.

Quote: Badge @ June 5, 2007, 8:25 PM

My favourite gag so far is the one about Vanessa Feltz's warranty.

View original

That's mine. Come on!

Badge thanks for your feedback in my few the montage has been adjusted a little from orignal and I apologise to original writers. Yeah it is disjointed a bit. I originally thought of starting with the singing but this is still early days and thing can be shifted around.

I am going to be really (der) and ask what montage means. Does it mean the overall picture & idea. Sorry I dont mean to be dense. I cant google either at the mo limited tinternet for some reason.

I hate not knowing what something means. Badge tell me so I can sleep better tonight please.

I am guessing with my (overall picture & idea thing). I have heard of a montage of emotions too.... My brain hurts now. *ouch*

A montage sequence, a segment which uses rapid editing, special effects and music to present compressed narrative information.

I only read it off the script.

The best example is in Team America: World Police, where they do a montage to the song "Montage".