SKETCH COMP 10-21.8.8

Thanks all and congrats to... OTTERFOX for winning! That's 10 points and excuse to get handsomely goose-bumped. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Chris Forshaw
1 - 1 - Frankie

Your new subject: THE INTERVIEW... As I'm on holiday and my lady will squeeze me nuts if I go within a fifty-mile radius of a computer, I'm leaving this open till 21 August and posting my entry straight away!

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21 Aug.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

88 - Fred Peters
88 - Frankie NOW JOINT WINNER!
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
40 - Chris Forshaw
37 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Otterfox
25 - Timbo
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Waring
10 - Afinkawan
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twix, so PM me. Thanks

CAUGHT IN THE WEB

MR SMITH - a relaxed guy in a suit - sits opposite JACK, who's clearly nervous.

SMITH: Thank you for coming Jack, you're very brave.

JACK: (sniffles)

SMITH: When did you first become addicted to the Internet?

JACK: This is very difficult for me… I was just a kid, I wanted to be one of the crowd. I started googling and yahooing and they said it'd be fun but I was too weak, soon it was Youtube and Myspace and (shivers) Facebook…

SMITH: Don't worry. You're with a friend now.

JACK: I was msning for hours a day. I'd wait till my parents were out then talk - chat - to these guys and they pretended to be straight but I knew they were on webcams.

SMITH: Oh God…

JACK: They got me into hotmail. They set up an account and now I can't cope without checking it five times a day. There's never anything to read, I just need that rush. I lock myself in my room and (manic) log on, username, password…

SMITH: Do your parents suspect?

JACK: No I say I'm just masturbating.

SMITH: Have you tried talking to them?

JACK: I can't, they don't have hotmail. Help me Mr Smith, it's been three minutes without headphones.

SMITH: I want you to wean yourself off this. Take each day at a time and make an appointment for next week.

JACK: By Email?

SMITH: We have a phone.

JACK: Can it take funny photos for downloading?

SMITH: Goodbye Jack.

(Jack leaves.)

SMITH: Kids… It was so much easier when they took cocaine.

SCENE. INT. OFFICE. DAY.

A young hooded man is sitting at a damaged desk with a mug of coffee and some papers, he calls in a person called WAYNE.

WAYNE walks in; he's wearing the same sort of attire as TONY.

Both of them "respect" each other and WAYNE takes a seat

TONY
(Authoritative) All right. Wayne smith (Pause) nice name. As you know the "poison shoplifter crew" is looking for a new 18 year old who can buy the rest of us fags.

WAYNE
Yeah, I'm 18 now.

TONY
I've been looking through a copy of your past criminal convictions and I just have a few questions. Now from what I have here it says you got a C in your GCSE science would you like to explain that for me?

AWAITING SERIOUSLY FOR A RESPONSE.

WAYNE – Yeah, well me mam told me to work harder or no cocaine for a week.

TONY
Yes (Takes notes) Understandable. Now here's another part of your application that has worried me… you don't have an ASBO

WAYNE
(Looking concerned) Well there is no excuse for it, I have been trying but things get in they way for instance I've been looking for a brick laying job. Just to buy booze of course not to conform or anything.

TONY
hmmm well from what I'm reading here you just don't meet the requirements we are looking for I'm sorry.

WAYNE
Please I'm sure I can get better at mugging or whatever you need!

TONY
Do you even no the names of any local policemen?

WAYNE
(Drops head) No.

TONY
Look, I'm going to give you a leaflet (handing him a leaflet) on a few of the courses we offer such as the "distract and vodka snatch" and "gone in 60 stabbings" these will all help you in getting you that ASBO that you really need ok?

WAYNE
Thanks I'll get to work on this now!

TONY
Ok, thanks and keep in touch and hey… Aim for the stars kiddo (softly tapping him on the cheek with a fist)

WAYNE
Thanks (Leaves office)

TONY
You just can't find the staff these days.

END.

POST-MATCH INTERVIEW.

REPORTER INTERVIEWING A FOOTBALLER AFTER A MATCH.

INTERVIEWER:

So Gary it finished 1 all. Do you feel thats a fair result all things considered?

GARY:

Well I actually haven't considered all things, but of the things I have considered maybe 2-2 would have been a fairer reflection.

INT:

Ok.. well you seemed to be two very evenly matched sides. Would you share that view?

GARY:

I suppose so. I mean, I felt we dominated the first half but so did they and again in the second half.

INT:

At what point did you realise it was going to end in a stalemate?

GARY:

Well for me personally I knew when the final whistle blew that that was pretty much it.

INT:

And you seemed to be up for todays game. You gave a good display in the centre of the park.

GARY:

Oh well you know, we have a great bunch of lads they always give 110% we have a great manager who prepared us well for todays game.

We were happy to come away with a draw. It's another point on the board at the end of the day.

INT:

You're definately not our man-of-the-match but thanks for joining us anyway.
Back to you in the studio.

CUT TO PRESENTER AND PUNDIT IN STUDIO.

PRESENTER:

Thanks Jim.

TURNS TO PUNDIT.

What did you make of Gary's performance today?

PUNDIT:

I thought it was solid but a little patchy in places. I picked out a clip that I feel illustrates this...

CUT TO INTERVIEW GARY JUST GAVE.

PUNDIT:

..Here we see where he's asked when he realised it would end in a stalemate.

We can quite clearly see he takes his eyes off the interviewer. He can't afford lapses in concentration like that. Having said that he's young and it's still early in the season so I think that will develop in time.

Again with the final question we see him looking away. He tries to make up for this but I feel maybe that he did'nt hear the question properly and just replied with a bunch of cliched answers.
In the lower divisions you can get away with this but in the topflight all these are going to be spotted.

PRESENTER NODS IN AGREEMENT.

PRESENTER:

Thanks for that. We still have much more to come after the break. We hear from both managers and don't forget to enter our interview-of-the-month competition including this cracker..

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH ANOTHER PLAYER.

PLAYER:

..Playing against this team is like playing chess with a duck. You know you should win but you don't know what to expect..

END.

INT. AN OFFICE - DAY
Typical office. The headteacher is sat behind a desk. Mr Jones enters the room.

HEADTEACHER
Ah, please sit down Mr Jones

MR JONES
Thank you

Mr Jones takes a seat opposite the headteacher.

HEADTEACHER
Now, do you know why I've called you in here?

MR JONES
Not a clue to be honest sir

HEADTEACHER
Well let me start off by saying that the work you are doing with class 6b is excellent. Even if your teaching methods are a little unorthodox, they have had the highest test results in years

MR JONES
Thank you sir

HEADTEACHER
The thing is, sex education. Your approach to it hasn't gone down too well with some of the parents

MR JONES
Well I thought the children would benefit from a more hands-on experience

HEADTEACHER
I appreciate that but the problem is what you made them put their hands on

INT. HOSPITAL: MAN LYING IN A BED.
"GIVE BLOOD" SIGN IS NEARBY.

A VAMPIRE EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS.

MAN:
Ahhhh!

VAMPIRE:
Good Evening.

MAN:
err..I suppose you've come to take blood…?

VAMPIRE:
That's right. Now, if you'll just roll down your collar…

MAN:
Hey, don't you have to ask all those questions? You know, to make sure I'm a suitable donor?

VAMPIRE:
(MUTTERS, THEN PULLS OUT A LEAFLET)
Oh, silly me. Now…Have you got AIDS?

MAN:
No

VAMPIRE:
Have you already given blood in the last 16 weeks

MAN:
No

SOME TIME LATER…

VAMPIRE:
Have you had oral or anal sex with another man?

MAN:
Look, I've had enough of these questions. Can we just get to the point..?

VAMPIRE:
I thought you'd never ask

LEANS IN AND OPENS HIS MOUTH

MAN:
What the hell do you think you're doing?
MAN STORMS OUT

VAMPIRE:
Wait...I just wanted to suck your...

MAN: (OOV)
F**cking male nurses

Good stuff all!
Voting's open till Sat midnight...

Chris F gets my vote.

INT. DAY. OFFICE.

A WELL DRESSED MAN (WILLIAMS) ENTERS A ROOM. THERE IS A PANEL OF THREE PEOPLE.

PANEL MEMBER: Thank you for coming Mr. Williams, please sit down.

WILLIAMS: Thanks.

WILLIAMS SITS DOWN BUT THEN GETS UP AGAIN, TAKES DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND DOES A CRAP ON THE CHAIR.

PANEL MEMBER: You disgusting man! Get out at once, this is a job interview.

WILLIAMS: I know and (GLANCES AT TURD) that's my job. Ask it whatever you want.

ENDS.

Was too late with my feeble attempt (22nd Aug) so I've deleted it!!

Will come back later to vote!

I was too late too but I'll vote when the ball has started rolling.

Nigel Kelly's was a great last minute evacuation there but I have to give it to:

OTTERFOX

(again.. is that two weeks running?)

All good, but I'll go for Otterfox (clean, clever, funny and original).

OTTERFOX was my favourite.

Quote: Frankie Rage @ August 22 2008, 12:42 PM BST

Was too late with my feeble attempt (22nd Aug) so I've deleted it!!

Will come back later to vote!

View original

Congrats Sir! http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/feature/user_blog/index.html