EDIT: Fixed the formatting.
Since I've been putting a few of my ill-informed and un-wanted opinions up about other people work on this board, I figured it was only fair to provide an opportunity for revenge.
These are sketches, there is a lot wrong with them, possibly too much for them to be saved. It's probably all too obvious we'd never tried anything like this before. We actually filmed a few for a college project; it came out very, very badly. Too badly to actually judge the quality of our writing, I think, everything else was so poorly done.
Anyway, these are just scripts; bare and laid out for you to pick apart.
1 "MOVIE VOICEOVER GUY AT HOME"
Idea originated (I think) by Sian Hawkins. Written by me and Ollie Wells.
Awkward and unfunny, premise might have potential.
FADE IN:
INT. HOUSE - DAY
The man walks in through the door. When he talks he has a voice imitating the voiceovers on action film trailers.
VOICEOVER MAN
Honey, I'm home in what critics are calling the comeback of the century.
His wife walks in.
WOMAN
Hi, darliong. What's up with your voice?
VOICEOVER MAN
Long ago… before the dawn of… dawn. There was a man… a man with a job… a job that-
WOMAN
Oh yes, that's right. I always forget that you work as a voiceover artist for film trailers. Anyway… time for dinner.
INT. KITCHEN
VO Man is sitting at the table
VOICEOVER MAN
This evening, Sainsburys taste the Difference range presents, a my wife production… Dinner! From the genius's who brought you breakfast, Featuring chicken… with an award winning performance from broccoli in a supporting role and a special guest appearance from…GRAVY!
He pours gravy all over his meal
WIFE
Gosh, that's a lot of gravy. I hope you don't have a heart attack or anything.
VOICEOVER MAN
One man, alone in his thoughts, neglects to ask his wife how her day writing exposition for sketch shows was in: Subtle Apologies.
WIFE
It was okay. I'm a little dissatisfied and sexually frustrated but apart from that…
they eat their food in silence, until VO man suddenly slams his hand on the table
VOICEOVER MAN
This summer… I was thinking we could go to France for a weekend.
WIFE
Sounds nice
VOICEOVER MAN
ARRGHH!!
!
WIFE
What is it?
Voiceover man clutches his chest in agony
VOICEOVER MAN
One man, one dicky heart… an epic fight for survival in…
He collapses
WIFE
Nooooo! What a tragic yet narratively convenient end!!
Their piercing-embezzled teenage son walks in, there's a pause
SON
You guys suck. I'm running away from home.
He walks out.
END
HAHAHA, Waeergh... What?
Okay, next one...
2. "A RELATIONSHIP"
Written by me and Ollie. The idea was mine, you don't want to know how I got it.
FADE IN:
INT. FLAT - DAY
Soft-focus romantic montage on a couple on a sofa: smiling, gentle stroking of face, loving music, reading of informational STD pamphlets. The man turns to the woman.
MAN
You know, Honey babe sugar plum?
WOMAN
Yes, Plum Sugar Babe Honey?
MAN
We've been in this relationship some time now, right?
WOMAN
Well, yes
MAN
And we're pretty… comfortable with each other, right?
WOMAN
I believe that is correct
MAN
And we like having fun, right?
WOMAN
I love fun!
MAN
Fun is brilliant…
WOMAN
So, what are you trying to say…
MAN
Oh, nothing…it's just… I had a … silly idea of how we could have some… harmless, fun… fun
WOMAN
Oh?
Man holds up a Shrek costume
WOMAN
It's…
MAN
Shrek…
WOMAN
Yes… Shrek…
MAN
Yes, Shrek! Harmless old Shrek… Lovably grumpy Shrek with his sassy, Eddie Murphy voiced Donkey sidekick having adventures in a subversive fairytale landscape…
WOMAN
Mmmn…
MAN
(pause)
I want you to put it on.
WOMAN
Wh--
MAN
It's harmless fun! I'll take photos! It's harmless fun, you'll have fun, it'll be harmless. Harmless fun, see?
WOMAN
Well…
MAN
Come on! Funny Shrek costumes! That's a way to have fun… in a non-harmful fashion. That's a good way to spend an afternoon it's just… harmless fun.
The man looks hungrily at the woman, she can't turn him down.
Montage, showing the man taking photos of the woman wearing her Shrek costume, the poses get slightly more suggestive as it goes and the man gets ever more aroused. The woman starts looks uncomfortable throughout.
FADE TO:
INT. COMPUTER ROOM – NIGHT
The man is asleep at the computer. The woman walks in from the bedroom and goes over to the man to wake him up. She glances up at the screen and sees that it is on the official Shrek website. She shrugs it off, but decides to look through the history. Montage of various terrifying Shrek related websites, until she finally comes across shrekfetish.com and gasps at the pictures of her on the website. The man wakes up, looks at the woman and then the computer screen, then quickly back to the woman again.
MAN
… Shit.
THE END
I want to play the man. I'm usually a terrible actor but I can play creeps just fine.
3. "CHAVS IN A CAR"
a simple one me and Ollie concieved of while eating french bread...
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET - DAY
A middle-class boyfriend and a girlfriend are walking hand in hand up the street. A car drives slowly past. All they can hear from it is a constant boom of bass.
WILLIAM
Urgh, I tell you Mercedes, I cannot stand that bloody thumping Chav music!
MERCEDES
Now, William! That's rather prejudiced of you. You're in no position to pass judgement. Why, all music sounds the same when you hear it from a car. For all you know, they could be listening to anything.
INT. CHAVS CAR
They're all listening to Beethoven
CHAV IN PASSENGER SEAT
Aww! Turn this up, blud! This string section is well sick.
THE END
The main thing I don't like is that last line. Too ignorant of yoof street language and too ignorant of how clasical music connissours talk for it to resonate. I'll have to spend a few weeks with both groups of people trying to immerse myself in their respective societies... have to try not to get the disguises mixed up, though. Next up...
4. "SUPER FIGHT COSTUME FORCE VIOLENT"
I was reluctant to do a Power Ranger parody, but when me and Ollie got started ut awkaken nostalgia I didn't know I had. Bit of an epic, this one...
FADE IN:
TITLES
EXT. A FIELD
A team of sassy, ethnically diverse teenagers stand ready for action fighting foot soldiers as a monster ,de of mouldy food stomps toward them. Whenever they hit the foot soldiers, they explode.
MONSTER
Wahaha! You Super Violence Latex Men are no match for my team of caramel-powered Golems!
The team continue to kick while shouting in a tennis player-esque fashion. The same footage is repeated a few times, suddenly the foot soldiers are all gone.
TEAM LEADER
Looks like your match has been lit!
MONSTER
(Doing inappropriate arm movements) Not any time soon! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
The team fall over clutching their heads as the camera shakes
WHEELCHAIR-BOUND TEENAGER
His sound waves are SCRAMBLING MY BRAAAAAAIN! Mega Attack Fight Destroyer Monkeyteam Hyper-force BOOM Leader Module, we can't beat him!
TEAM LEADER
That's not true, Wheely! We had the power to win this all along. Sure, they might beat our kung-fu and our super-powers and our sassy ethnic diversity but there's one thing not even monsters can beat… and it comes from inside…THE MOON! ACTION POWER STRENGTH SPEED ROBOT-A-NOID-A-TRONS! ATTACK!
The moon opens up and about 50 slightly different robots fly out. They then proceed to land in the battle. The monster looks up at them, waves his arms a bit more and screams as he grows to be as tall as the robots.
MONSTER
I may have been made from a discarded sandwich in a bin, but make no mistake Ultra Defence Cosplay Team Super, I am not a happy meal!
INT. COSTUME FORCE BASE
Their leader, Dorzon, is monitoring the situation while their pots and pans robot, Beta 6, is running around making Italian stereotypes.
BETA 6
Ahh, for the love of robo-spaghetti! The Mega Ultra Power Fight Teflon Defence Ultimate Team Mega Super are most certainly doomed! What do we do, Dorzon?
DORZON
Relax, Beta 6. I have a plan to help the Supreme To Fighting Wearing Power Fist Glove Action Karate Man Woman Diverse Team of Pain. RANGERS! USE YOUR ROBOT TEAM!
EXT. A FIELD
The team are standing by their robots.
GENERIC GOTH TEENAGER
Guys, I think we should use the legendary Mythical Beast bots from our fight with Sir X!
WHEELCHAIR-BOUND TEENAGER
No way, they're not wheelchair accessible! We need to use our classic bots!
TEAM LEADER
Quiet! I am the team leader, and I say we use the Ox/ Zebra crossbreed bots!
BLACK TEENAGER
I've always been partial to the Joan Rivatron
JOAN RIVATRON
Somebody please defrag me for the love of Gooood! My data stream's got more kinks than my ex husband at a bondage convention! Ah ha ha ha!!!
The team burst into a large argument until the monster stomps on them, destroying them all.
INT. SUPER FIGHT COSTUME FORCE VIOLENT STUDIOS
The producer is watching the previous scene in disgust.
PRODUCER
No, this won't do at all. Not one bit. Giant fighting robots don't appeal to the target audience anymore! No one's buying the damn toys!
EXECUTIVE
So what, do you propose, are kids buying?
PRODUCER
Haven't you ever seen modern day kids at play… from the bushes… Are you NOT taking children hostage to find out what appeals to them most? Because if not, I don't know why you're still standing here.
EXECUTIVE
Well yes, of course I do, bu-
PRODUCER
PHONES! They're in to phones! And MP3 players, of course. We should, nay, NEED to strike a deal with those people if we want our show to still be a relevant marketing force!
EXECUTIVE
So, what do you suggest?
The producer looks up in to the sky, dreamily.
EXT. FIELD
The same field from earlier. A group of monsters appear. The earlier monster is now replaced with an MP3 monster, and the Caramel Golems with "Walkminions", who are silhouettes.
MONSTER
Foolish humans! I am the Destructive Zen, and these are my Walkminions!
TEAM LEADER
Oh no! You know what to do, team. Let's call the authorities!
The team pull out their mobile phones and type 6 numbers in unison, which is similar to the "Power Rangers" theme tune. Meanwhile, the monsters advance.
MONSTER
(Inappropriate arm movements) Wahahaha! You think your puny brand mobile telephones are enough to stop me!? I control ALL electronics!
With a wave of his hand, they all drop their phones and grab their wrist in pain, then collapse to their knees and grab their heads in pain.
BLACK TEENAGER
Looks like we're done for!
WHEELCHAIR-BOUND TEENAGER
Our days are numbered to this one!
TEAM LEADER
Don't give up all signs of hope just yet guys! That is an incorrect sign, as we still have our own MP3 players
GENERIC GOTH TEENAGER
But don't you know?? Those, too, are electronics!
TEAM LEADER
Yes, but not if you swing them around your head as a melee weapon!
The team pull out their MP3 players and start swinging them round by the headphones, except one who is holding it by the MP3 player.
TEAM LEADER
Stupid boy, that's not how you do it!
The team and the monsters join together and laugh as insanely fast credits roll to a fast paced guitar solo.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A child is sitting down watching TV.
CHILD WATCHING TV
Poo to this! I'm gonna go kick a tramp to death!
The child gets up and leaves
THE END
Trivia:
* Dorzon is a door
* The Joan Rivatron refers to a sketch Sian wrote entitled "I'm Being Possesed By Joan Rivers, Get Me Out Of Here!". Sian writes alone, you see. She's also a fantastic performer and improviser. Why did you have to drop out, Sian? We needed you involved in our Final Project to provide all the good content and cover up mine and Ollies crippling lack of ability. What a bitch, eh?
* Ollie actually worked out how to play the Power Rangers theme by hitting keys on his mobile phone
One more from me, flyin' solo...
like an ox
5. "HARRY'S MENTALLY ILL CHUM"
FADE IN:
INT. A PUB
Barry, Larry and Gary are sitting around a table, Harry appears.
HARRY
Alright, lads!
LARRY
Hey, Harry.
HARRY
Hey, I want you to meet someone from work! He's insane! He's f**king mental!
LARRY
Really?
HARRY
He's totally batshit! Like…off-the-wall DANGEROUSLY insane. He is literally…
(he struggles for words)
Schizophrenic!
BARRY
Well let's meet him then.
Harry can barely contain his excitement as he runs off and brings back a man covered by a sheet
HARRY
Alright! Are you sure you're ready for this? ‘Cos I warn you, he is completely off his f**king rocker!
BARRY
Alright! Just show us!
With great flourish Harry whips the sheet off; revealing a mild-mannered looking guy.
The crowd stare in silence at the stranger, Harry instantly loses confidence in his new discovery.
LARRY
He… looks like he makes collages out of bus tickets…
The stranger gulps
BARRY
I hate him. I hate him, he's a dickhead. He's a f**king…
Lost for words; Barry picks up an empty glass and throws it. It smashes against the stranger who stands perfectly still.
HARRY
Guys…
BARRY
Why did you bring him here?! WHY?! Huh? Why did you bring this… CUNT in to our fragile circle of friendship! The last time we let some random boring, shit-sucking twat-balls drink with us we lot lumbered with that waste of space Gary! Sorry, Gary…
Gary gets up and leaves. The Stranger now has blood seeping down his head.
HARRY
I'm sorry, guys…
BARRY
Just take him away.
Harry nods and puts the sheet back on the stranger before leading him away
HARRY (O.S.)
Uh… Getting blood on my sheet.
LARRY
He might not have been that bad.
Barry picks up another glass and throws it at Larry, there's a pause.
LARRY
Ow.
THE END
That's probably enough for now...
