Bluff

Hi Guys, this is a very raw first draft. Would love to know what you think. Cheers
Ben

BLUFF

Starts with the main character narrating to the audience. He doesn’t have a shirt on, (later becomes apparent that he lost it in the poker game).

Scene then switches to the game of poker

Set in an underground, smoky bar, there are five people around a table. They all look really serious. Behind one man (who is wearing gold chains, sun glasses and smoking a cigar (think mafia boss type)) is a big john in a suit (think right hand man). Both the mafia type john and the john in the suit (arms crossed), are staring coldly at another john at the table. (He is a student – so stereotypical clothes

Mafiosio:I raise you £250.

Pause

Mike: I call.

Turn card

Mafioso: £750.

Mike: I call.

River card is dealt

Mafioso: £2000.

Small splutter from Joe in the corner

Mikeo you mind if I have a word with my friend?

Mafioso gestures to the corner

Mike and Joe go to the corner

Mike: I’ve got this hand covered.

Joe: Well why don’t you call?

Mike: Because I know what’s going to happen! I’m going to call and then when I win, our friend, the Mafioso and his friend, who I’m sure answers to the name, ‘Muscles’, are going to beat the poker chips right out of us.

Joe:And if you don’t call?

Mike:We lose £1000. You do the maths; it’s not a good situation to be in…Why are we even here Joe? You said that you knew of a backroom poker game where we could make some money, courtesy of our NatWest overdraft facility. You failed to mention that it was run by the bloody Sopranos!

Joe:But you’re good at poker though so I thought why not!

Mike:Let me explain Joe, at least in a casino I can safely walk out of the door at any moment, without the fear of anyone playing 52-card-pickup with my teeth!

JoeK you’ve made your point, but we have to decide what we’re going to do. What is the bet?

Mike:Another £2000 on top of the £1000 we already have in there.

Joe:And you definitely have a better hand?

Mike: Definitely. When he pushes his chips in with his left hand he’s bluffing.

JoeK. So you call, show your hand, explain that it was a tough call and that perhaps we should start wrapping up the game?

Mike:I don’t see any other way. Lets hope Marlon Brando there (gestures over his shoulder) understands and lets us walk away, with the money and our limbs in tact. Actually sod that, I’ll settle for just our money.

Returns to the table

Mike:There is the £2000, and…

Proceeds to empty his pockets out, and gestures to Joe, he then puts his watch and car keys on the table and writes IOUs for his TV and stereo (mumbling what he is writing as he does so – e.g. ‘one aldi, double taped radio cassette player’). Joe looks shocked, but reluctantly, after a lot of coercing gives his friend his money and watch, muttering that he better have the better hand.

Mike:…and I re-raise…two watches, a car, two TVs and two stereos. Oh, and my sister’s violin. (Winks to Joe who is literally head in hands, pulling at his hair.)

Mafioso:You are very confident my young friend, (Pause) I call.

Joe faints

Mike then turns over a full house, and starts moving to the money in the middle. The right hand man then grabs hold of his hand and he looks up at him, the Mafioso then turns his cards over.

Joe is getting up slowly

Mafioso:Not so fast, 4 of a kind beats a full house does it not?

Joe faints (again) in the corner. Mike turns to the audience

Mike:Good job I didn’t borrow my dad’s Beamer today eh?

Mike faints

End scene.

Good interesting story, well written, held my interest ... but didn't actually make me laugh. The shirtless Mike character, narrating (not the script presumably but a precis of the overall story) might've found another shirt come narration time. Joe faints twice at end, then Mike faints at end of story (what are these guys on!?!). The gag potential relies solely on 'losing one's shirt' and Mike's Dad's Beamer, unless I've missed something (which I often do!). Don't want to sound too negative ... as I said the story is good and has some potential.

I've just read it. I think it's got a good story like losaavedra said, but I didn't actually laugh at any of it, it seems like it's mostly build up to one joke, and it should have more jokes in it since it is quite long, but I wouldn't say too long. I didn't really understand why the narrator was in the script. If he's going to be narrating you need to put what he's going to say in the script.

Overall, interesing, but needs a re-write. Good first draft though.

Yeah I didn't laugh, it had something to it... trust me mate there is plenty of laughs in poker, I've been in quite a few tournaments and you meet some characters, I suggest you do some research if you want to make a sitcom/ movie/ mocumentry out of it.

I agree with Paul, poker has a lot to work with, there are a lot of laughs. It has potential, maybe concentrate on how they react to the hand

Welcome to the site! I liked the 52 card pickup with my teeth line

The narrator is a mystery to me too. Sorry if I've mis-read but apart from the last line I can't see anywhere else that Mike speaks to the camera. If it's just the last line then that feels a bit tacked on so maybe he should speak to the camera earlier too.

You could lose Joe and do it all in his head voice over style like Peep Show.

Yeah but you do the voice in the head too much you get "copying Peep Show"

In an (sort of)unrelated point, I did try and do a sitcom/comedy-drama based around poker, but it focused on the players, not the poker. But, I'm sure you could get some more jokes into it, or possibly shorten the sketch a bit to get the jokes closer together. I don't know if you're doing this as a single sketch or a sitcom though.