INT. PUBLISHING OFFICE. DAY.
A man, ANDREW, follows a PUBLISHER into his office.
PUBLISHERlease, take a seat. Now, you emailed me, didn't you?
ANDREW:Ah, that's right, yes.
PUBLISHER:Andrew, is it?
ANDREW:Yup.
PUBLISHER:Great. So, a "proposal"? What have you got for us?
ANDREW:It's a book.
PUBLISHER:Alright. What genre are we looking at?
ANDREW:Crime fiction.
PUBLISHER:Well, okay. There's a big market for crime. Right. Can you give me some plot details?
ANDREW:Yes, it's about a man who is killed, and then another man who tries to figure out who killed the first man.
PUBLISHER:Alright. Can you give me any more information?
ANDREW:Yes, it's very interesting and I certainly recommend it.
PUBLISHER:Great… so, what's the title?
ANDREW:I'm sorry?
PUBLISHER:What's the book called?
ANDREWh, it's called "Who Killed Mr Pig?"
PUBLISHER:Is it.
ANDREW:Yes.
PUBLISHER:"Mr – Pig"?
ANDREW:Yes. Mr Pig is the one who gets killed.
PUBLISHERure, sure. Just a preliminary question – is "Mr Pig" the best name for that character?
ANDREW:I'd have to say it is, because that's what he's actually called in the story.
PUBLISHERkay, but is there any reason why he has to be called Mr Pig?
ANDREW:Because he is a pig.
PUBLISHER:He's a pig? He's actually a pig?
ANDREW:Yes.
PUBLISHER:Is he a prize pig?
ANDREW:I haven't really touched on how successful he is as a pig. I've focused more on the fact that he is a pig who gets murdered.
PUBLISHERh.
ANDREW:His death is being investigated by Mr Beaver.
PUBLISHER:I see; and is Mr Beaver actually a beaver?
ANDREW:Well, yes, he is.
PUBLISHERh. It's just, crime novels usually involve a human protagonist.
ANDREW:But they don't have to.
PUBLISHER:Well, I suppose there's no law –
ANDREWo what's the problem?
PUBLISHER:I don't know if there's a market for animal-driven crime fiction –
ANDREW:You should take a look at it before you judge it.
PUBLISHER:Um, okay. Have you got a manuscript here?
ANDREW:I have. Here it is.
PUBLISHER:Thanks.
ANDREW:Any time.
PUBLISHERPause as he reads) Sorry, Andrew; what's this here?
ANDREW:That's an illustration, which I drew myself.
PUBLISHER:What's it meant to be?
ANDREW:It's Mr Pig being decapitated by a faceless shadow.
PUBLISHERh. I haven't seen much illustrated crime fiction.
ANDREW:Well pardon me for being a trend-setter.
PUBLISHER:Mmm. And, erm… about chapter one.
ANDREW:Yes?
PUBLISHER:It's quite short.
ANDREW:What of it?
PUBLISHER:Well, I mean, nothing… but it only consists of two lines.
ANDREW:It's succinct.
PUBLISHER:"Oh no, Mr Pig has been murdered by a faceless shadow. I wonder who killed Mr Pig?"
ANDREW:It cuts to the chase.
PUBLISHER:Then chapter two: "Mr Beaver is on the case. He'll sort it out for sure!"
ANDREW:He will; he's a bloody good detective.
PUBLISHER:Chapter three: "Mr Beaver asks Mr Fox, ‘Was it you, Mr Fox, with the rusty cleaver? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Mr Fox says it wasn't."
ANDREW:No, Mr Fox is alright. He doesn't break the law.
PUBLISHER:Chapter four: "Mr Beaver asks Ms Flamingo, ‘Was it you, Ms Flamingo, with the oily ice pick? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Ms Flamingo has a watertight alibi."
ANDREW:Nobody's going to believe a flamingo would kill.
PUBLISHERure, no. But it goes on like this for eleven chapters, before the conclusion. Chapter twelve: "Mr Beaver asks Dr Dormouse, ‘Did you kill Mr Pig, Dr Dormouse, with your mouldy adze?' And Dr Dormouse confesses that he did kill Mr Pig. What a dreadful dormouse! ‘It's the firing squad for you, my furry friend,' chortled Mr Beaver. The End."
ANDREW:Right. So, what do you think?
PUBLISHER:Well. It's – interesting. Though, it's not really crime fiction, is it?
ANDREW:What do you mean?
PUBLISHER:It's not crime fiction.
ANDREW:Come on, of course it's crime fiction; animals don't really talk to each other in English in real life. And if they did, I wouldn't document it.
PUBLISHER:No, I mean, it's not what we usually publish as crime fiction. This is really a children's book.
ANDREWlaughs) Well, I don't think children are ready to read about a grizzly murder where someone gets decapitated.
PUBLISHER:No.
ANDREW:What's the problem?
PUBLISHER:I just don't think we can really publish this, if you understand.
ANDREWh. I see. It's like that, is it?
PUBLISHER:I'm not saying you're lacking talent; just… we're not really after this sort of thing at the moment.
ANDREW:I've got another one.
PUBLISHER:Another book?
ANDREW:Yes.
PUBLISHER:What's it called?
ANDREW:"The Rape of Julian Dromedary".
FIN.
Comments, re-writes etc all welcome