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PeteGood evening, and welcome back to Funny old Business, glad to see you are all here, with two exceptions. The college has informed me that Thomas has met a most untimely end
Agnes
He’s dead?
Pete
Worse?
FrankTeach what could be worse than death?.
AgnesHe volunteered to be in Big Brother
PigeonOh dear Godess the poor, poor man, why do people do such awful things to them selves, I’ll meditate for him.
Marko
I also know sadness my dog died yesterday..
PigeonHow?
Marko
He have poop hole, he have breathing hole, he not have eating hole he starved to death.
PeteThank you, Marko, I feel your pain but we really must crack on, and thank God that annoying git who dressed as a Dalek isn’t here, I mean every bloody course there’s some talent less, annoying, git, who invests lots of money in stupid props in the deluded belief they might have a scintilla of talent. Hang on who left that big untidy pile of black cloth in the corner.
TPCAlert!, Alert! Foolish human I have not left your puny human night school, I have with my mighty Dalek mind, become a new comedic character.
Pete
Oh God no.
FrankShoot me.
PigeonNow give him a chance.
TPC
I am a fundamentalist, Muslim, transvestite Dalek!
This may just be the point for some really portentous Doctor Who style music.
PigeonThat is so offensive, you homo-centric-heartless pig
PeteMoving on, now! Did any one here do their homework, and watch a sitcom?
Agnes
I did, Too the Manor Born, with the Lovely Penelope Keith, and the dashing Peter Bowles.
PeteYou know that is a classic, with the character reversal the rich as poor, the poor become rich, and themes of inverted snobbery.
Agnes
Just kidding I actually watched Bottom.
FrankFantastic which one, the one where Eddy gets kicked in the bollocks, and says bum.
Agnes
No the one where he gets kicked in the bum and says.
F&ABollocks.
PigeonHow disgusting, how purile, it's that low, brutal humour that leads to war, torture, and sexism.
Agnes
Oh what did you watch then?
Pigeon
I didn't, watching a sitcom, is the psychological equivalent of allowing a paedophile to molest your brain,
Frank
It's not the brain they're usually interested in, it's the….
F&ABottom!
PeteHave you too been drinking?
Agnes
Just a couple, we met up at that charming local,
Frank
The Iraqi's head I believe the lady is trying to take advantage of poor innocent me
Pete
Get out, get some fresh air, a cup of Klix, and come back in 10 minutes
AgnesYou're not sending us home?
PeteAnd get stuck with a man who can't speak his own language, a woman who doesn't believe in jokes, and a gay Dalek that isn't funny, no offence.
Pigeon
I will overcome.
TPCYou will be exterminated! Until then no hard feelings, no hard feelings!
Marko
I watched a sitcom, it was called "The Good Life," most interesting Jerry and Margot are capitalists, who live next to good pioneers Tom, and Barbara Tom is rewarded for hard labour by his wife having very nice bottom.
Pete
But the jokes, what about the jokes?
Marko
I thought it was agit prop propaganda. I think in later episode Tom shoots Jerry, for hoarding large supply of vesta boil in bag curries in giant freezer. Margot gets sent to forced reeducation camp, till she is no longer middle class.
Pete
I'm going to regret this, I really am., erm what's your name, the gay Dalek chap.
TPC
We Tran gendered, Islamic, mechanised survivors of the fall of Skaro, do not need the primitive adjectives you Humans call names, you may call me Florence al Aqbar, human.
PeteWhat sitcom did you watch?
TPCRed DwarfI developed illogical feelings, for Robot Kryten, phwoorinate, phwoorinate!
Pete
Go and get a cup of Klix .
TPCThat is not logical, I have not consumed the primitive fuel, you puny earthlings call alcohol, it is against my religion. Besides I could not reproduce with Robot Kryten, he is not a Muslim
Pete
Just sod off!
FX rumbling sound of TPC leaving the room.
Scene2 besides the Klix machine.
AgnesHaven't we been naughty, detention and smacked legs all round.
FrankStill you got have a laugh, and could you face a class like this with out a couple of stiffeners.
AgnesWhat kind of stiffeners do you mean?
FrankDon't its bad I kissed you in the pub, besides you're married, and I'm in a loving relationship.
Agnes
Oh Xander you're blushing, besides my hubby is strictly in love with his job, his dog, UK Gold, mediocre whiskey, and me in that order.
FrankDon't call me that, when I'm doing comedy, I'm always Frank.
Sound of large mechanical object rolling into room
TPCKlix coffee machine, you provide me with caffeinated sustenance, but you will not join your robot brothers in crushing the fleshy ones, you are a traitor.
FrankMate wouldn't it be easier to take the costume off when buying coffee, I mean it's one thing to look a tit, but do you have to make your life so difficult.
TPC
I am in character, I am dedicated, this costume was all I had left when my web design company went bust, and I moved in with my parents.
AgnesThat's really sad, we all of us seem to be doing comedy because we're missing something, I know my marriage is.
Frank
Ay if your missing something, may be I could help fill a hole for you?
Agnes
You pig, you know what naughty piggy's get?
MarkoHello fellow classmates, we are all drinking the coffee, that tastes like the weak cat wee wee, and what do naughty piggy's get?
Agnes
Err the same as good pigs,
Frank
Made into bacon, and occasionally sausages,
AgnesYes, is every one on a coffee break now?
Marko
No I asked Pete if pig in Good Life metaphor for queen.
FrankAnd he kicked you out for that?
Marko
No it was when I started to quote from famous East German sitcom,
Sie müssen nicht ein hier verurteilt zu werden Traitor sein, aber es hilft,
FrankEh?
Marko
I think it translate at as "You don't have to be a traitor to be sentenced to this Gulag but it helps," based on your show Porridge, but Godbar betrays Fletcher as a political subversive, and Mr MacKy shoots him.
Agnes
Oh dear doesn't sound very funny.
Marko
I suppose not, but then neither is My Family, and that on 9th bloody season.
FrankWhat ever happened to all the good old sitcoms like Love Thy Neighbour, nice bit of politically incorrect banter, no harm done.
Marko
We have similar program in Rumania, except it called keep an eye on neighbour for unacceptable activities.
TPCWitness the might of superior Dalek technology, behold the straw 2
Sound of high-tech straw extending followed by sucking
AgnesDrinking coffee out of a straw you'll burn yourself.
TPCAaaggggh! My fleshy organ, you humans call a tongue, is on fire,
Sound of can be shaken up and sprayed
FrankYou owe me a can of Pepsi, you tin plated nut job.
TPCThank you human for pouring the beverage down my front slot, you will be spared when your species is reaped.
Scene3
Pete
So with just you left, and not having watched a sitcom, we should take a break.
Pigeon
I may not have watched one, but I certainly wrote one, a model of what a truly inclusive sitcom could be, a beacon to the masses, free of smut innuendo, ridiculous contrived situations.
PeteFree of jokes? And funny situations, it's not really a situation comedy then.
PigeonOh yes, behold
Sound of very heavy script hitting a desk.
Pete
I'm funny and so are you, a shared comedic narrative….I'll flick through…..clown says I am throwing a custard pie at you, watch it fly through the air….why does he say that?
PigeonWhy should blind people feel left out by slapstick?
PeteClown throws a small custard pie; it flies in slow motion and hits the wall.
PigeonChildren with ADHD, and some elderly people would be highly over stimulated by a real custard pie.
PetePigeon this is not good, I am not going to read the rest. This is the worst thing I've ever read, and I helped edit My Hero.
Pigeon
You comedians you're all the same, you and your jokes, and your satire, and, and your cruelty. Just like my father.
Pete
Your father?
Pigeon
He was a clown, every day he'd practise throwing pies at me, he tuned up a parents meeting in make up, and then the circus became one of those alternate porn circuses, Billy Smarts Big Top, became Willy Tarts Big End How can a 47 year old who pours white wash down his pants compete with a nude contortionist stuffing her head up her own fundament? He killed himself, he dressed as an peanut and wandered into the elephant compound, all they ever found was his red squeaky nose.
Sound of nose being squeaked
Pigeon
Oh daddy I still love you, why daddy we spread Jumbos plops on your roses, it's what you'd have wanted, as long as their's breath in my body, no clown will ever fall in the line of duty, as the Godess is my witness!
Pete
I'll er, I'll call the others back.
Scene 3
Pete
So now we're all back, Frank what did you watch?
FrankOne that I'll think will be close to your heart Pete.
Pete
Oh God no, do we have to.
Frank"Never mind your neighbours language on the buses", you wrote it and starred in it. I believe what a dark horse you are, who'd have thought it.
AgnesYou wrote that, I am impressed, it's one of my favourites, very naughty, and not very PC, didn't it have that French clippie, Lucy Knickers.
Marko
Ah I watch this show on illegal Beta Max, it had Russian woman,Get-on-ya-back-ya-bitch.
Pete
But you were the star, Shylock Faginstein the Jewish money lender.
AgnesActually I never got, that why did a bus company need a money lender?
PigeonThat abhorrent show, that obscenity, my women's group had a day of silence in mourning for the episode where the Congolese bus driver, ate Flaky the inspector.
FrankThat I'd have loved to see.
PigeonThat vile episode?
Frank
No you keeping to a day of silence.
TPC
On Skaro our favourite episode, was the trip to Anne Frank's house in Amsterdam, amusinate! Amusinate!
Frank
Oh yeh, when it's shut, and Ivor Bigun the cheeky driver, says I know what to do, bangs on the door, and shouts raus rus Juden, it worked for the Germans in 1944.
Pete
If I say I am deeply ashamed of that series, can we promise never to mention it again, it ruined my life.
PigeonWell that's only fair, you, you fascist.
PeteThey put it on in October 1973, it coincided with that big war in Israel, they pulled us after 6 episodes I was a pariah.
FrankWell you got to keep it real, don't let the politically Nancy's push you around.
Pete
Do you have any idea how long it takes to clean a swastika off your Austin Allegro twice a day, Enoch Powell called me the unacceptable face of British comedy. That's when I started drinking, and that's when it all went wrong.
AgnesWhat happened?
Pete
I was on the Royal Variety Show, my agent Micky Cohen some how kept me on the bill, and I'd been drinking since last week. Paul Daniel's was there, and he says I saw your show; I liked it, not a lot.
Frank
So what happened next?
Pete
I grabbed his wig, and stuffed it down the toilet, he dives after it, and I hold his head down, and flush the chain, shouting how do you like that you stubby little shit, not a lot, not a lot! Debbie McGee bit me in the leg; I let him go and there ended my career in television.
MarkoThat is a tragic, tale worthy of Pushkin, or Chekhov.
FrankDon't worry mate similar thing happened to me, see the only gigs I can get are at the Bognor Butlins off season. They'll take any stand up, who can stand up, under a hail of plastic glasses, and do all the Old Bernard Manning Stuff, while shaven headed Burberry apes, impress their Kappa Slapper lady friends by calling you a wanker , that being the soul of Whyldean wit where they come from.
MarkoSounds like show trial they used to show on state TV in Rumania.
AgnesSounds scary, you must be very brave.
PeteWell to do that gig, you really have to have two pints, don't look at the audience, and race through the material. Except this night, just as I'm getting to the line about telling a Nigerian traffic warden, to sod off as my people used to buy your people down at the market, I notice the silence.
PigeonHad the audience tired, of your tiresome diatribe of hate.
FrankWell this audience had, no one told me that the Nation of Islam had booked the entire site, for their annual conference.
AgnesWere you horribly beaten.
FrankFunnily enough no, they made me a cup of tea, called the police and I got a £200 fine, and 100 hours community service for inciting racial hatred.
Sound of some one crashing in chairs flying etc.
Marko
Mr Pete a how you call it, smelly bum has burst into our classroom, should I be removing it. Come on disrespectful and enthusiastic consumer of the Tennants that is super.
PigeonLeave him alone, he's some one's son.
Frank
His nappy certainly smells like it needs changing, come on there's a comfortable doorway to sleep in, and maybe a half eaten kebab for breakfast.
PeteMickey is that you, leave him alone he's the guest lecturer from last week.
Sounds of scuffling end.
MickeyThank you Mickey Malarkey the Clown in Khaki, at your disposal, now known as Charlie Hunt he's a total…..
Pete
No swearing.
Mickey
I was going to say political commentator, you arsehole, we were on "Never Mind Your Neighbours Language," together.
PeteWhat happened to you?
MickeyFour divorces, three bankruptcies, and two years in prison.
FrankWow, it's you I was your biggest fan.
Pigeon
Oh God it's you, didn't you used to dress up as Gandhi in brown make up, and a nappy, then defecate on yourself on stage.
Mickey
Just making some money out of an unfortunate medical condition, any way now I'm a political commentator, here's my impression of David Cameron
Blows an enormous raspberry, every one laughs uncontrollably
MickeyGordon Brown
Bigger raspberry, more laughs,
MickeyAnd finally George W Bush
Enormous raspberry, a bit wet at the end. Uproarious laughter.
MickeyStop laughing I just shit me self.
Now hysterical hooting laughter eventually dies out.
Pigeon
I can't believe I laughed at that, I'll have to meditate for 6 hours tonight, and eat at McDonalds as penance.
MarkoWhat kind of humour is this where old man, make digestive sounds for fun, then unload colon in trouser area?
.PeteStill putting me in the shade Mickey?
Pete
We're out of time again, and once more we didn't cover any course material. Next we'll look at Pantomime from getting Aladdin, too he's behind you.
.