Pub Sketch

Just a quick pub based sketch I have thought of.

London pub- Hot Saturday afternoon. The landlord is a big fat loud Londener who is serving behind the bar. The Jukebox is going.

CUSTOMER: Allo. Pint of vodka mate
(A beer type pump says vodka on it and the landlord pours out a big pint of vodka)
LANDLORD: You're being a bit of a puff today aren't you Lance.
CUSTOMER: Just starting off, I'll move on to something more stronger later on
LANDLORD: You'd better do, next customer please?
CUSTOMER 2: Pint of ethonal please
(Again, a pump saying ethonal. It gets poured into the pint glass)
LANDLORD: That's what I like to serve
(Two tennis players walk in. They have just been playing and are very hot and sweaty)
TENNIS PLAYER 1: Do you want a pint?
TENNIS PLAYER 2: Yes, but because it is so hot, let's have an orange first
TENNIS PLAYER 1: Good idea
(The two tennis players make there way to the bar)
TENNIS PLAYER 1: Two oranges please?
LANDLORD: TWO FACKING ORANGES!!!
(The whole pub goes quiet. Even the Jukebox switches itself off)
LANDLORD: What the fack do you think this is, a Tellytubby Tea Party. Would you like some Tubby Toast. Here, I'm going to have to consult my house judge on this one (Pause) House Judge, just take your way away from your fifth pint of methanol and come here will you. These two fellers have just ordered two glasses of oranges. What shall we do?
HOUSE JUDGE: I think it has to be the ultiamate punishment for that
LANDLORD: I think you're right mate.
(The landlord gets out a machine gun and shoots the two tennis players dead)

Anyway, feedback will be much appreciated- Positive, Negative or Neutral.

Sorry for being so picky but I think you should use methanol (the alcohol) instead of methane (this is a gas a room temperature).

Overall was a bit neutral for me. But then I don't spend much time in pubs.

Not bad but it's a bit predictable and very similar to the McCoys advert.

Also the format is a bit hard to read.

Methanol yes, my error, sorry.

"Next customer please" - Big fat loud Londoner?

I don't think so. Be consistent, e.g. "'OO'S FACKING NEXT?!

Otherwise, not bad.

Bit predictable for me. Feel like I've seen it before. Could do with a few one-liners slipped in somewhere to give it more depth.

Dan

Quote: Morrace @ August 21 2008, 3:16 PM BST

"Next customer please" - Big fat loud Londoner?

I don't think so. Be consistent, e.g. "'OO'S FACKING NEXT?!

View original

We're not all savages, you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhnt!

Though when I met Bussell, he chased me with a spear...

Dan

Obviously less extreme, the same thing was happened to me, went into a pub and ordered an orange and the big fat cockney landlord went mad, whole pub stared at me.

Quote: swerytd @ August 21 2008, 4:20 PM BST

Though when I met Bussell, he chased me with a spear...

Dan

View original

Ah, so that's what he meant when he said 'I like Shakespeare'. Obviously, it was Pidgin English.

Quote: Jack Massey @ August 21 2008, 5:17 PM BST

Obviously less extreme, the same thing was happened to me, went into a pub and ordered an orange and the big fat cockney landlord went mad, whole pub stared at me.

View original

Had the same experience ordered a coffee once at a pub,

"What do you think this is f**king Starbucks?"

Wouldn't mind but they had a big sign advertising they sold coffee Gagia machine the works.

A few thoughts:

* Surely such a man would prefer to kill with his bare hands rather than use a firearm

* Only two pint glas jokes? Surely a third person could order a pint of Xenomorph vomit dispensed directly from a severed Alien head.

* The house judge could speak in a gutteral moan, only understood by the bartender

* Tennis players could do some warm down exercises in the cenre of the pub, assisting each other with stretching etc

* Alternative punchline
Landlord: Alright, 'ere's yarrorange.
Tennis Player 1: Chahs.
-Tennis player takes a sip then bursts into flames-
Landlord: AGENT ORANGE THAT IS!!
-other tennis playerflaps arms wildly a runs out-
Smouldering Corpse: It's actually alright.

Eggy you shouldn't really put up alternate endings.

But that is fan-bloody-tastic, very funny.

I didn't think of that. It wasn't eally meant to be a re-write, just a quickly presented idea... I mean, obviously no actual script should reveal a pun by having a character shout "*ALTERNATIVE MEANING OF WORD* THAT IS!"