Crime fiction publishing sketch

INT. PUBLISHING OFFICE. DAY.

A man, ANDREW, follows a PUBLISHER into his office.

PUBLISHERlease, take a seat. Now, you emailed me, didn't you?

ANDREW:Ah, that's right, yes.

PUBLISHER:Andrew, is it?

ANDREW:Yup.

PUBLISHER:Great. So, a "proposal"? What have you got for us?

ANDREW:It's a book.

PUBLISHER:Alright. What genre are we looking at?

ANDREW:Crime fiction.

PUBLISHER:Well, okay. There's a big market for crime. Right. Can you give me some plot details?

ANDREW:Yes, it's about a man who is killed, and then another man who tries to figure out who killed the first man.

PUBLISHER:Alright. Can you give me any more information?

ANDREW:Yes, it's very interesting and I certainly recommend it.

PUBLISHER:Great… so, what's the title?

ANDREW:I'm sorry?

PUBLISHER:What's the book called?

ANDREWh, it's called "Who Killed Mr Pig?"

PUBLISHER:Is it.

ANDREW:Yes.

PUBLISHER:"Mr – Pig"?

ANDREW:Yes. Mr Pig is the one who gets killed.

PUBLISHERure, sure. Just a preliminary question – is "Mr Pig" the best name for that character?

ANDREW:I'd have to say it is, because that's what he's actually called in the story.

PUBLISHERkay, but is there any reason why he has to be called Mr Pig?

ANDREW:Because he is a pig.

PUBLISHER:He's a pig? He's actually a pig?

ANDREW:Yes.

PUBLISHER:Is he a prize pig?

ANDREW:I haven't really touched on how successful he is as a pig. I've focused more on the fact that he is a pig who gets murdered.

PUBLISHERh.

ANDREW:His death is being investigated by Mr Beaver.

PUBLISHER:I see; and is Mr Beaver actually a beaver?

ANDREW:Well, yes, he is.

PUBLISHERh. It's just, crime novels usually involve a human protagonist.

ANDREW:But they don't have to.

PUBLISHER:Well, I suppose there's no law –

ANDREWo what's the problem?

PUBLISHER:I don't know if there's a market for animal-driven crime fiction –

ANDREW:You should take a look at it before you judge it.

PUBLISHER:Um, okay. Have you got a manuscript here?

ANDREW:I have. Here it is.

PUBLISHER:Thanks.

ANDREW:Any time.

PUBLISHERPause as he reads) Sorry, Andrew; what's this here?

ANDREW:That's an illustration, which I drew myself.

PUBLISHER:What's it meant to be?

ANDREW:It's Mr Pig being decapitated by a faceless shadow.

PUBLISHERh. I haven't seen much illustrated crime fiction.

ANDREW:Well pardon me for being a trend-setter.

PUBLISHER:Mmm. And, erm… about chapter one.

ANDREW:Yes?

PUBLISHER:It's quite short.

ANDREW:What of it?

PUBLISHER:Well, I mean, nothing… but it only consists of two lines.

ANDREW:It's succinct.

PUBLISHER:"Oh no, Mr Pig has been murdered by a faceless shadow. I wonder who killed Mr Pig?"

ANDREW:It cuts to the chase.

PUBLISHER:Then chapter two: "Mr Beaver is on the case. He'll sort it out for sure!"

ANDREW:He will; he's a bloody good detective.

PUBLISHER:Chapter three: "Mr Beaver asks Mr Fox, ‘Was it you, Mr Fox, with the rusty cleaver? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Mr Fox says it wasn't."

ANDREW:No, Mr Fox is alright. He doesn't break the law.

PUBLISHER:Chapter four: "Mr Beaver asks Ms Flamingo, ‘Was it you, Ms Flamingo, with the oily ice pick? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Ms Flamingo has a watertight alibi."

ANDREW:Nobody's going to believe a flamingo would kill.

PUBLISHERure, no. But it goes on like this for eleven chapters, before the conclusion. Chapter twelve: "Mr Beaver asks Dr Dormouse, ‘Did you kill Mr Pig, Dr Dormouse, with your mouldy adze?' And Dr Dormouse confesses that he did kill Mr Pig. What a dreadful dormouse! ‘It's the firing squad for you, my furry friend,' chortled Mr Beaver. The End."

ANDREW:Right. So, what do you think?

PUBLISHER:Well. It's – interesting. Though, it's not really crime fiction, is it?

ANDREW:What do you mean?

PUBLISHER:It's not crime fiction.

ANDREW:Come on, of course it's crime fiction; animals don't really talk to each other in English in real life. And if they did, I wouldn't document it.

PUBLISHER:No, I mean, it's not what we usually publish as crime fiction. This is really a children's book.

ANDREWlaughs) Well, I don't think children are ready to read about a grizzly murder where someone gets decapitated.

PUBLISHER:No.

ANDREW:What's the problem?

PUBLISHER:I just don't think we can really publish this, if you understand.

ANDREWh. I see. It's like that, is it?

PUBLISHER:I'm not saying you're lacking talent; just… we're not really after this sort of thing at the moment.

ANDREW:I've got another one.

PUBLISHER:Another book?

ANDREW:Yes.

PUBLISHER:What's it called?

ANDREW:"The Rape of Julian Dromedary".

FIN.

Comments, re-writes etc all welcome

I loved it. Very Python-esque.

Thats incredibly kind of you Mikey

I looked at your site earlier today. It's supreme in its brilliance.

Like the surreal edge to it and the banter between the two. Very clever. Liked the children's book idea - inspired!

ta Rob0

Quote: Tommy Power @ August 21 2008, 12:07 PM BST

Thats incredibly kind of you Mikey

I looked at your site earlier today. It's supreme in its brilliance.

View original

Wow! Where you looking at the right website?

Thanks

The sketch made me laugh..it just got absurder and absurder. (is absurder a word???)

Quote: Mikey J @ August 21 2008, 3:28 PM BST

..it just got absurder and absurder. (is absurder a word???)

View original

(It is now).

Thought the sketch was well formatted and funny. though a bit long. Might do a re-write for practice, if that's ok.

Yeah, no worries. Sorry if I've posted too much... sorry about the overall standard too.

Hi Tommy

It's way too long, I think and the first bit takes too long to get going. I'd just start with them opposite each other at the desk already and open with the "So what genre are we looking at?" line, cut the first 10 lines as they don't bring any laughs; straight in as that line sets everything up quite nicely.

That said, I liked the sketch more, the more I read it and think it's clever and appealing. Needs tightening up though and could do with losing a few lines to assist in this way.

Also, your final line is funny and punchy and ends the sketch well, but it might be better if you use an animal that people already sympathise a lot with (panda/koala/kitten) to make his follow-up even more inappropriate.

Good work though. Like it.

Dan

Thanks Dan.

Thing is, surely sketches are allowed be long sometimes.

I know places like Newsrevue only want short sharp punchy quickies, but there is a market for longer skeches, i.e. on TV sketch shows.

I have a few longer sketches in mind which I'm going to catalogue in my "to pitch someday" file.

Quote: Morrace @ August 21 2008, 3:37 PM BST

Thought the sketch was well formatted and funny, though a bit long. Might do a re-write for practice, if that's ok.

View original

- and here it is. Still about the same length! I cut what I thought was unnecessary, then added some lines of my own which I decided to cut as they turned out to be unnecessary. Good practice, though!
________________________________________________________________________________

INT. PUBLISHING OFFICE. DAY.

ANDREW, FOLLOWS A PUBLISHER INTO HIS OFFICE.

PUBLISHER: Please, take a seat. Andrew, isn’t it?

ANDREW: Yup

PUBLISHER: Now, you emailed me, about your book, didn't you?

PUBLISHER: What genre are we looking at?

ANDREW: Crime fiction.

PUBLISHER: Can you give me some plot details?

ANDREW: A man is killed, and then another man who tries to figure out who killed him.

PUBLISHER: Any more information?

ANDREW: I certainly recommend it.

PUBLISHER: Title?

ANDREW: "Who Killed Mr Pig?"

PUBLISHER: Any reason why he has to be called Mr Pig?

ANDREW: He’s a pig.

PUBLISHER: Actually a pig?

ANDREW: Yes. His death is being investigated by Mr Beaver.

PUBLISHER: Actually a beaver?

ANDREW: Yes..

PUBLISHER: Oh. It's just, crime novels usually involve a human protagonist.

ANDREW: So what's the problem?

PUBLISHER: I don't know if there's a market for animal-driven crime fiction –

ANDREW: You should take a look at it before you judge it.

PUBLISHER: Um, okay. Have you got a manuscript here?

ANDREW: Thought you’d never ask. Here it is.

PUBLISHER: (Pause as he reads) Sorry, Andrew; what's this here?

ANDREW: That's an illustration, which I drew myself.

PUBLISHER: What's it meant to be?

ANDREW: It's Mr Pig being decapitated by a faceless shadow.

PUBLISHER: Oh. I haven't seen much illustrated crime fiction.

ANDREW: Well pardon me for being a trend-setter.

PUBLISHER: About chapter one …

ANDREW: Yes?

PUBLISHER: It only consists of two lines.

ANDREW: It's succinct.

PUBLISHER: "Oh no, Mr Pig has been murdered by a faceless shadow. I wonder who killed Mr Pig?"

ANDREW: It cuts to the chase.

PUBLISHER: Then chapter two: "Mr Beaver is on the case. He'll sort it out for sure!"

ANDREW: He will; he's a bloody good detective.

PUBLISHER: Chapter three: "Mr Beaver asks Mr Fox, ‘Was it you, Mr Fox, with the rusty cleaver? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Mr Fox says it wasn't."

ANDREW: Mr Fox doesn't break the law.

PUBLISHER: Chapter four: "Mr Beaver asks Ms Flamingo, ‘Was it you, Ms Flamingo, with the oily ice pick? Was it you who killed Mr Pig?' But Ms Flamingo has a watertight alibi."

ANDREW: Nobody's going to believe a flamingo would kill.

PUBLISHER: Sure, no. But it goes on like this for eleven chapters, before the conclusion. Chapter twelve: "Mr Beaver asks Dr Dormouse, ‘Did you kill Mr Pig, Dr Dormouse, with your mouldy adze?' And Dr Dormouse confesses that he did kill Mr Pig. What a dreadful dormouse! ‘It's the firing squad for you, my furry friend,' chortled Mr Beaver. The End."

ANDREW: Right. So, what do you think?

PUBLISHER: It's not really crime fiction, is it?

ANDREW: Come on, of course it's crime fiction; animals don't really talk to each other in ENGLISH in real life. And if they did, I wouldn't document it.

PUBLISHER: No, I mean, it's not what we usually publish as crime fiction. This is really a children's book.

ANDREW: (laughs) Well, I don't think children are ready to read about a grizzly murder where someone gets decapitated.

PUBLISHER: No.

ANDREW: What's the problem?

PUBLISHER: I just don't think we can really publish this.

ANDREW: Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?

PUBLISHER: I'm not saying you're lacking talent; just… we're not really after this sort of thing at the moment.

ANDREW: I've got another one.

PUBLISHER: Another book?

ANDREW: No – a Black and Decker hover-mower – yes, a book.

PUBLISHER: What's it called?

ANDREW: "The Rape of Julian H. Camel".

________________________________________________________________________________

Actually like the original one better. Both are damned funny.

Thanks for the re-write, Morrace

Hi Tommy. Glad I happened across this. Although a tad long I have to say I really enjoyed it. This line, said with just the right amount of indignation, would kill:

"ANDREW: He will; he's a bloody good detective."

Dan's got the right idea with the punchline I think.