Alfred & Stan are at their allotments. Now these two gents have a competitive relationship and they are both after the same woman. Edna.
(Alfred is pulling up his little potatoes and Stan wheels his barrow up to him).
Stan
Hello there Alfred. Are they new potatoes?
Alfred
No they are not. They are Baking
(Stan shuffles around in his barrow and using two hands, heaves a potato the size of his head out. He then places it along side Stan’s weeny potatoes)
Stan
Now that’s a Baking potato Alfred.
(Alfred try’s to hide his jealousy).
Stan
I see you also have some baby carrots
(Alfred ignores the remark).
(Stan rumages in his barrow again & pulls out a carrot, the shape & size of a large human hand)
Stan
Now that is the best damn organ nic carrot I have ever had the pleasure to grow. I am growing a real sassy swede too.
(Alfred has a thinking face on)
Pans to a sexy toples blonde half growing out of Stan’s allotment mud. Arms beckoning.
(Alfred shakes his head)
Alfred
Don’t care.
Stan
Don’t care was made to care Alfredo.
(Alfred continues pulling out his potatoes).
Stan
I am going to see Edna later. I am taking my veg and a few apples for her from my tree. She offered tomake me a stew and a strudel.
(Alfred’s jealousy is now obvious).
Pans to a very made up 85 year old woman, in a pink wyncenette nightie holding her catheter bag and blowing kisses from her red lips.
Alfred.
Edna said that to me too
(They both grab there wheel barrows and start wheeling and running towards Edna’s house as fast as their arthritic legs will allow. Alfred stops briefly to jump up and get a few apples from his tree).
Cut to, Edna’s house.
Both Gentleman have turned up with their wheel’s at the same time, huffing and puffing, clutching their chests. Edna is looking damn fine.
Edna
Good day gentleman.(flutters eyelashes) Ooooh I see you have brought me goodies.
(Edna shuffles in both barrows holds up one of Alfreds potatoes in her finger and thumb, then heaves out Stan’s Huge tatty and falls over backwards. They both rush to help her, still gasping for air. Edna staggers back onto two feet still clutching her wee bag and peruses the carrotts.
Stan
Who has the best fruit & 2 veg eh! Edna.
Camera pans down to waist length to hide what edna is doing. A look of pure joy on both gents faces.
Edna
Well Stan, I must say, you have the best fruit & 2 veg.
(Alfred looks hurt)
Alfred
Does that mean you are cooking stew & strudel for Stan now then?
Edna
No for both of you
Stan
What?
(Alfred beams)
Edna
Yes, both of you, the problem is we need some meet or fish to go with it. (Edna curls her hair round her fingers in a sexual manner) I know, why don’t you both go hunting or fishing.
(Stan & Alfred exchange (daggers at dawn looks) then both run off as fast as they can to get their fishing gear)
Cut to Alfred & Stan fishing.
Alfred
I got a bite. (all excited)
(He pulls out a weeny , teeny small dot lickle orange goldfish.
Stan bursts out laughing.
Stan
How did that get in the lake, and trust you to catch it.
(Stan feels a big bite)
OMG! It’s a big un, (He heaves & ho’s ) This bugger is HUGE. Get behind me Alfred, I need some help.
Alfred
I am busy
Stan finaly pulls the fish up. It’s a 4ft shark. The shark is having an eppy fit, trying to bite & thrashing about Stan bashes it on the head with his fishing umbrella.
Stan
Jesus H Christ. How did that get in there.
Alfred
Yes, and trust you to catch it.
Stan
(Beams). Well I don’t think you will beat this Alfred. Edna is going to be so pleased with me.
Stan hauls the huge fish onto his shoulders and squashes down to 2ft tall.
Stan
I am off to my Darling Ednas, don’t forget your goldfish. (chuckles)
Cut to, Alfred in a field. He sees a Bulls takes out a gun and shoots it in the head. He then catches site of another one. Shrugs and shoots that one too. He ties a rope to their horns and drags them through the village and up to Edna’s house. He taps on the door.
Edna opens the door spys the 2 beefy animals, her mouth agape with the shock.
Alfred
I have 2 heavy bulls here for you. I have been dragging them on the ground throughout all the village as a mark of my adoration to you. Stans fruit & 2 veg may be bigger but stan has No bulls..
(Edna reaches for Stan and plants a kiss on his lips.)
Edna
Oh Alfred I do like a coupleof heavy Bullox
