INT. SCHOOL DISCO. NIGHT
JOHN WALKS IN TO PICK HIS 9 YEAR OLD SON PETER UP
(SOUND OF BLARING CHILDRENS MUSIC)
JOHN SEES PETER
JOHN TURNS TO PETER REVEALING HE HAS AN EAR PHONE IN
JOHN TURNS HIS IPOD OFF
(SOUND OF CHART MUSIC COMES FROM DISCO)
HOLD PETER HAND AND LEAVES
Not to me it wasn't. Are you saying the music is actually coming from John's earphones, not the disco?
Yes. His music is the childish music.
Okay, I get it. Personally, I think you should make it more explicit. Something like this:
INT.SCHOOL DISCO - NIGHT
JOHN WALKS IN TO PICK UP HIS NINE YEAR OLD SON PETER.
F/X: SOUND OF BLARING CHILDREN'S MUSIC.
JOHN SEES PETER. WE SEE THAT JOHN HAS HIS HEADPHONES IN. HE TURNS OFF HIS IPOD.
F/X: THE CHILDREN'S MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY. NOW WE HEAR THE ACTUAL MUSIC COMING FROM THE DISCO - A TRENDY POP SONG.
JOHN TAKES PETER'S HAND AND LEAVES.
THE END
That said, it's not very funny. Maybe as a scene in a sitcom it could work but as a standalone sketch it doesn't have a strong enough punch. For me at least.
Quote: Beaumalow @ August 20 2008, 11:36 AM BSTINT.SCHOOL DISCO.NIGHT
JOHN WALKS IN TO PICK HIS 9 YEAR OLD SON PETER UP
(SOUND OF BLARING CHILDRENS MUSIC)
JOHN SEES JACK
JOHN TURNS TO JACK REVEALING HE HAS AN EAR PHONE IN
JOHN TURNS HIS IPOD OFF
(SOUND OF CHART MUSIC COMES FROM DISCO)
HOLD JACKS HAND AND LEAVES
So, Jack is a bloke who John has just met at random and decides that Jack is a better choice of son than Peter?
Quote: garyd @ August 20 2008, 12:14 PM BSTSo, Jack is a bloke who John has just met at random and decides that Jack is a better choice of son than Peter?
I assumed JACK and PETER were the same characters.
HUH ?
Yeah they are the same person? I dont know HOW I did that.
I will edit.
Quote: Beaumalow @ August 20 2008, 12:30 PM BSTHUH ?
Yeah they are the same person? I dont know HOW I did that.
I will edit.
Ah. Good.
Otherwise I might have started getting concerned about the paedophilliac vein of your pieces. 
THAT WAS ALONG TIME AGO!! I DID MY TIME!
*has realisation you're joking*
O good, that's cleared up then