INT.HOME-LOUNGE.DAY
JOHN AND HIS 1YR OLD SON JACK WATCH THE KIDS PROGRAMME ‘BIG COOK LITTLE COOK' ON TV THEY ARE COOKING GINGER BREAD MEN
JOHN:
When you come over next weekend, we can cook some of those
JACK:
I love to Kok, that's my bestist show
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
JOHN:
That'll be mummy
INT.MUMSCAR.DAY
MUM:
Did you have a nice time with Daddy JACK ?
JACK:
Yeah, and next week we're goner play Big Cock Little Cock with Ginger Men
MUM GASPS
Hi, Julian.
Just a few minor tweaks I say.
You want to set up a new scene with a line of establishing action, like the beginning of your CAR scene.
Are one year olds really that verbal? You might be better off adding a couple of years to Jack I reckon.
Other than that it's the same mistakes you're making every time basically.
Sluglines go like this:
INT. HOME - DAY
Of course you're welcome to expand, perhaps like this:
INT. HOME: LOUNGE - DAY
Also, avoid abbreviations:
1YR OLD
Keep CAPS out of dialogue:
Did you have a nice time with Daddy JACK
And remember your punctuation - full stops, question marks, that sort of thing. So:
INT. HOME: LOUNGE - DAY
JOHN AND HIS ONE YEAR OLD SON, JACK, WATCH THE KIDS PROGRAMME ‘BIG COOK LITTLE COOK' ON TV. THEY ARE COOKING GINGER BREAD MEN.
JOHN:
When you come over next weekend, we can cook some of those.
JACK:
I love to kok, that's my bestest show.
THE DOOR BELL RINGS.
JOHN:
That'll be mummy.
INT. MUM'S CAR - DAY
MUM STRAPS JACK INTO HIS SEAT.
MUM:
Did you have a nice time with Daddy, Jack?
JACK:
Yeah, and next week we're goner play Big Cock Little Cock. [I'd lose the gingerbread men stuff - it's funnier that way]
MUM GASPS.
Good point about the age, i should have known that *is a father*
The Ginger men bit I thought was slightly surreal and funny, I see what you mean and will think it over!
Nice one.
Quote: Beaumalow @ August 20 2008, 11:19 AM BSTINT.HOME-LOUNGE.DAY
JOHN AND HIS 1YR OLD SON JACK WATCH THE KIDS PROGRAMME ‘BIG COOK LITTLE COOK' ON TV THEY ARE COOKING GINGER BREAD MEN
JOHN:
When you come over next weekend, we can cook some of thoseJACK:
I love to Kok, that's my bestist show(DOOR BELL RINGS)
JOHN:
That'll be mummyINT.MUMSCAR.DAY
MUM:
Did you have a nice time with Daddy JACK ?JACK:
Yeah, and next week we're goner play Big Cock Little Cock with Ginger MenMUM GASPS
Good to see some newbie postings. Always good to get variety.
Though my girlfriend wouldn't agree!
Obviously Mr Bussell has pointed out the basics.
My opinion only:
The age of the child is quite important. Which to me kills any joke there might be. He should be at least a couple of years older but then his grasp of language would be sufficient so as to not make the mistake.
Also, pedantically from a writing perspective, you have the boy saying "kok" early on then "Big Cock Little Cock" just to make the point however the viewer won't get to see the script. Plus the mother would probably have experienced similar word confusion and not be particularly phased.
Keep up the efforts mate.
Thanks!!