Script writers wanted Page 2

I haven't recieved an email. Have you sent them yet?

I received mine and it works, I'll check it out later.

I wouldn't mind taking a look if you're still looking for readers.

oddjob42@gmail.com

Yeah, go on,Scott-I am in desperate need of a laugh in this mausoleum.I write comedy myself and am saving up to buy a shotgun to visit the bbc wales comedy unit.

steve v

christine-anne.m@ntlworld.com

very funny if somewhat irreverent.
Who are angelfire-i cant find them.are they looking for sketches

steve v

Earman I'll send it through again. Oddjob and Steve I'll send you a copy now, look forward to hearing from you and everyone else involved

Hello Scott

Did you want any more input? If so send it to me also.
Thanks

Dave

Email received and had a quick read. Liked it a lot. Definitely think I can help you with this. I'll read it again tomorrow and get back to you.

Thanks Earman, I look forward to working with you on this project, I'm happy for this to be a equal partnership with all those who gets involved and the script can change as much as it needs to.

I'm very much looking forward to reading peoples ideas on how the script can be taken in new exciting and funny directions.

Would you like us to post ideas and thoughts here or email them?

I haven't got any, but I will after I've read it later.

I think it would be good to keep all the ideas and suggestions posted on this thread but if you would like to contact me privately via P. then please do so

Quote: Steve Voyce @ June 3, 2007, 3:07 PM

Who are angelfire-i cant find them.are they looking for sketches

View original

Steve V

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1643

should answer questions.

Dan

Scott

I've emailed you a(n in-depth) critique. I will post here if you so wish, but entirely up to you.

Thanks

Dan

Thanks for the reply, do post it on the site as it is something people can work from. The current script is actually a sketch show which is loosely held together by the theme that it all links back to the pub, it was never written to have a coherent story but this is what I want to convert it into now with other writers.

Maybe you will consider being involved with the rewrite.

Best regards

Scott

Hi Scott

The following is all in my opinion and I'm not a professional scriptwriter nor have I ever had anything published. It is intended to be honest and not to offend.

Main thing that strikes me is the characterisation. I find it hard to empathise with your three main characters (Barsteward, Antony and Reverend Brett). There's not enough interaction between them as you're cutting too quickly between scenes. They're not saying enough for their characters to be clear and, as such, they all have the same 'voice'. I think you need to work on developing these characters and their relationships quite a bit more, especially in the opening scenes. Basically, the reader should be able to tell who's talking from the way they talk and not from the labels in the script.

The plot is not completely clear to me. As I see it, Barsteward is the owner of the bar and wants to get more custom in, hence the Pied Piper stuff at the end (which was funny). If this is the case, I would change the Oompa-Lumpa scene so it is him, not Antony, trying to sabotage the Red Lion landlord and maybe try another routine in a similar vein.

Drop the irrelevant scenes that bring nothing to the story. The structure should basically go like this: each scene should bring the action on one step. If it doesn't, either make it or drop the scene. Even if that scene is the funniest thing in the script; if it brings nothing to the story, it's superfluous.

Personally, I would lose the Antony and the barmaid opening scene as it doesn't go anywhere. To tell the truth, I thought this was quite a strong opening and expected the story to start the previous night and show how we got to here. It would also make an interesting sub-plot to the 'getting the customers in' main plot but you haven't used it like that and, as such, it's a good sketch but nothing more.

Next, lose the obsessive compulsive bit from the next scene. Again, it's a good sketch (I remember you posted this previously on the forum
and I quite liked it) but adds nothing to the story. Replace this with your characters developing; a nice big chunk of funny dialogue which allows their characters to shine through.

The scene in the church is very funny and I like this as a way of introducing the third main character. The alter boy bouncers is funny though I think the Jesus thing is a little surreal (though this is my problem, not necessarily a problem with your script). I think it would be funnier if Jesus walked on and stood next to the Reverend when he says 'find Jesus'. (Note that Reverend's name changes to 'Priest' halfway through, which is confusing)

The scene with Jesus going to heaven left me a little confused. It's very Family Guy in nature and very off-topic, away from the story. That said, it is funny with the two dead priests. Anybody you haven't offended by this point will probably be offended by Hitler being in heaven! I'd probably drop this scene, though it is kind of necessary because of the bizarre Jesus section beforehand.

Drop the AA bit from the next bit, change the Oompa-Lumpas to being directed by Barsteward and use the AA bit later as a standalone bit. You don't need two scenes in AA, the second one will do by itself.

Scene with Antony and the Reverend: Rev's dealings with his girlfriend are not the plot. Either make it an important part of the plot ('The Reverend drops his girlfriend by the end of the show') or get rid. The scene is funny (though missed opportunity for the girlfriend to be dressed as something *really* weird and very funny when the camera cuts back to her; like a giant earwig in a furry bikini or something). Also, this scene is too closely related to the way the Oompa-Lumpas dressed the Red Lion landlord, which is the previous scene. So get rid of one or the other, or spread them well apart. Alternatively, make the bondage the whole point of the episode.

When the camera zooms in on the TV, the programme should be completely inappropriate or related. For instance, if you went with the earwig thing above, 'Planet Earth' should be discussing them mating when it ooms in. Thus, it looks like we've avoided them mating dressed as earwigs, only to zoom in on earwigs mating.

Drop the Tony Blair bit; it's completely irrelevant and I didn't think it was funny.

Didn't understand the next scene at all. For me, way too crude and not funny. Regardless of funny or not, nothing to do with the plot at all, so irrelevant.

Next scene, AA meeting; good scene, but you need to script this as it has to be funny. The whole patheticness of the meeting and barsteward's attitude to it need to be made clear, otherwise we are getting no insight into his character. Then follow it with the whole Pied Piper thing (which *is* funny)

Don't understand the Gay Penis bit and it's relevance. Funny as a standalone sketch (as I've said when you posted previously) but great sketches linked together does not a good sitcom make. I'd drop that and the fat lady manhunters (funny but irrelevant - would be better as a standalone sketch that one)

Not sure about the big fight at the end. It would be better if there was a reason that it started (maybe to do with Antony's sleeping of the ugly barmaid, or Rev's splitting up with his girlfriend) as it's all a bit unbelievable. The courtroom bit is just another sketch bolted on, and you feel a bit let down as it's not based on one of the main characters. Maybe Barsteward up in court on charges of failing to control his clientele, drugging and dragging up a local rival and brainwashing of a local Alcoholics Anonymous group and sentencing him to be ginger for the rest of the series. Also, I don't think sentencing him to be ginger is as funny as you hope (and no, I'm not ginger)

I know that's a lot but I'm hoping it will be beneficial to your writing. Sorry if it seems a bit harsh at times, but I've made all the above mistakes with my own work and it's made me a much better writer.

Also, I think the banter between the characters is just that: banter. There needs to be funny one-liners in these sections and it’s more like two mates chatting at the pub, which isn’t interesting to the viewers.

Hope it's all been helpful.

Dan

I really can't add much to what swerytd has already said.

I do disagree about the bar fight though It thought that was brilliant. I did seem a little scattered without any thing to pull it all together.