Just Like That!

Have a look and see what you think.

All comments greatly appreciated.

INT. SCHOOL TOILETS - DAY

KEISHA AND HARLEY (15), HANG OUT IN THE SCHOOL TOILETS APPLYING MAKEUP.

KEISHA
I`m going to be a well-famous singer!

HARLEY
You love yourself you do.

KEISHA
Yeah, I can`t help being talented like that.

HARLEY
Says who?

KEISHA
People.

HARLEY
Narrow it?

KEISHA
(under her breath)
Mum and dad.

HARLEY
Behave! They get excited when you butter toast!

KEISHA
(seriously)
I`m a bit Beyonce, a bit Amy and a bit Lily.

HARLEY
Yeah. Just not the right bits.

KEISHA
Don`t you want be famous?

HARLEY
No.

KEISHA
Oh.

HARLEY
So... What if it dosen`t work?

KEISHA
(surprised)
Huh?

HARLEY
You`ll need a backup plan.

KEISHA
Then I`ll act.

HARLEY
Just like that?

KEISHA
Just like that.

HARLEY
Oh.

KEISHA
So...

HARLEY
If the acting doesn`t work?

KEISHA
I`ll become a model.

HARLEY
Just like that?

KEISHA
Just like that.

KEISHA AND HARLEY PACK UP THEIR MAKEUP AND WALK TO THE DOOR. KEISHA HESITATES.

KEISHA
Mr Heyworth`s gonna freak. Didn`t do my maths homework.

HARLEY
Why?

KEISHA
I was busy shakin` ma booty. How did you do it?

HARLEY
I just got the books and sat down.

KEISHA
No! On a chair?

HARLEY
Yeah, I can`t help being talented like that.

KEISHA
Did you have a backup plan?

HARLEY
Google.

KEISHA
Just like that?

HARLEY
Just like that!

HARLEY AND KEISHA LEAVE THE TOILETS. THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT BEHIND THEM.

Brilliant!

Backup Plan? - Fantastic!

Nice one Jude.

Thanks Leevil

I`m thinking about taking these characters into other situations.

Lol, yeah easily. Love the names as well. I've noticed you always do that.

Aww thanks Leevil, I like to rewrite and play around with the characters until they feel right

I like the characters. Nice dialogue, but no big laughs for me. Reads more like a scene from a sitcom than a sketch, though maybe with repeat use of the characters in different settings this might change.

I agree, no belly laughs, but the dialogue flowed well and the characters were good.

This is how I like to write my dialogue, nice, easy, flowing.

Quote: Badge @ June 2, 2007, 1:56 PM

I like the characters. Nice dialogue, but no big laughs for me. Reads more like a scene from a sitcom than a sketch, though maybe with repeat use of the characters in different settings this might change.

View original

Thanks Badge

Good point and thanks Leevil too. I`ll try Keisha and Harley in a few different situations, then go back and see if I can get a few big laughs in.

Hey Jude. (thats a song eh!)
Is this sketch to be part of a sitcom?
I think it should.
I loved this line, mostly because it is so true.

HARLEY
Behave! They get excited when you butter toast!

I liked your sketch. You are very talented with dialogue.

Thanks Charley

It`s not planned as a sitcom, but I`m going to play around with the characters and try them out in various situations, then see how it goes.

I liked it...

Is Keisha taking the mickey, when she says: "No! On a chair?"

If not, she doesn't come across as that stupid. Obsessed with being famous maybe... but not thick enough to not know what people sit down on.

The ending is stronger if she is being sarcastic/taking the mickey.

Nice sketch... wish I could write em'.

Thanks Darren

Yes Keisha is taking the mickey and thanks for flagging it up, I`ll make it clearer in the rewrite. Glad you liked it.

Keisha 'broke' far too easily for it to be believable for me. IRL, she'd carry on for at least another one collective before admitting that "people" is really just her Mum and Dad. Maybe after Harley says "Narrow it," she can come out with something, and Harley just looks at her in an unimpressed, almost disapproving manner, then Keisha admits. Or something. Either way, just doesn't sound right at the moment.

Apart from that, dialogue is good. Characterisation is brilliant, as has been said, and there's definitely scope for more from them. Can't say I raised a smile though, let alone laughed, sorry. Definitely good as a scene for part of a larger narrative (as others have hinted at), but not an isolated sketch as it stands.

Something which sprang to mind though is just WHY are Harley and Keisha friends? They seem completely different from that; Harley the sensible one, and Keisha the giggling blonde slag-type. I guess you'd have established that in previous scenes/sketches/episodes/whatever, but it did jump out at me.

I guess that they are girls. Could be either with those names maybe and that could be the twist.

OI Aaron you never comment on my stuff. Oiiiiii Peeps favouritism. Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! LOL Jesting, but it is true.

Azza I have a kitten and i will do harm...................