Therapist sketches

A couple of versions of a sketch. Feel they might need some trimming and refinement.

1)
THERAPIST:
So, I understand you're a little depressed.

MAN (OOV):
It's these new regulations at work. I have to ask so many questions…Have you got AIDS, are you pregnant…have you had acupuncture in the last 6 months, for f**cks sake? It used to be so much simpler. I'd turn up, take blood, they'd go home. Now, they all sod off by the time I get to the anal sex questions.

THERAPIST:
Tell me about it. Apparently you need qualifications to do this job now…err…anyway, you might have Seasonal Affected Disorder. It's easily cured by a bit of sunlight.

MAN:
I work night shifts.

THERAPIST:
Now, now, that's no excuse. Here, let me help you. PICKS UP A REMOTE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. THE BLINDS SLOWLY OPEN. CAN NOW SEE IT'S A VAMPIRE ON THE COUCH.

VAMPIRE:
Oh, shit.

CUT TO A SMOKING CLOAK ON THE FLOOR. THERAPIST PICKS IT UP AND SEARCHES IT.

THERAPIST:
Not again! The bloodsucker never brings any money.

2)
INT. DARK ROOM.

THERAPIST:
So, I understand you're a little depressed.

MAN (OOV):
Yes. I feel lethargic, my skin's pale, my teeth are bad. I haven't fed for a week. My peers all laugh at me. I used to be so strong. It's so…embarrassing.

THERAPIST:
It sounds like you have Vitamin D deficiency. That's easily cured – Sitting out in direct sunlight for 20 minutes a day should do the trick. PICKS UP A REMOTE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. THE BLINDS SLOWLY OPEN. SUNLIGHT STREAMS IN. CAN NOW SEE IT'S A VAMPIRE ON THE COUCH.

VAMPIRE:
Oh, shit.

CUT TO A SMOKING CLOAK ON THE FLOOR

THERAPIST:
Ah. He didn't mean lawyer when he said bloodsucker then.

It's a good idea, similar to a genius an expetionally handsome writer posted earlier about Spiderman visiting a therapist.

They're good, but they do need a little bit of a trim. The first one also lacks clarity, it's a really good idea a vampire moaning about blood bank restrictions.

But I think that bit needs to be bloody obvious, to contrast with the subtelty later on.

Quote: sootyj @ August 14 2008, 4:14 PM BST

It's a good idea, similar to a genius an expetionally handsome writer posted earlier about Spiderman visiting a therapist.

They're good, but they do need a little bit of a trim. The first one also lacks clarity, it's a really good idea a vampire moaning about blood bank restrictions.

View original

Well, it started off as a man being woken up by a vampire who proceeds to ask q's i.e.
INT. MAN LYING IN BED. A VAMPIRE EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS.

MAN:
Ahhhh!

VAMPIRE:
Good Evening.

MAN:
err..I suppose you've come to take blood…?
VAMPIRE:
That's right. Although since self-regulation I'm afraid the process has become slightly more … complicated. PULLS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS CLOAK.

then asks the questions, etc. Unfortunately the real ones are a bit long and not v funny, e.g. Are you taking antibiotics NOW or have you finished taking them within the last 7 days?

But then remembered some self-proclaimed genius's therapist idea and thought it fit rather well! So I did rather use your format.

Quote: sootyj @ August 14 2008, 4:14 PM BST

But I think that bit needs to be bloody obvious, to contrast with the subtelty later on.

View original

I see what you mean, although if I do that will it be too obvious it's a vampire and then lose the punchline?

No it took me a while to get he was asking bllod donor questions.

Maybe something as obvious

as,

"I hate collecting blood, all those bloody questions; are you on antibiotics, have you travelled abroad, do you have anal sex. That's when they tell me to piss off,"

Thanks for the comments, I guess it also highlights how different people view things.

I was trying to make the joke through the questions as Griff said. Will try and choose some that make it more obvious.

I'll rewrite it in full using the setting Griff prefers, then hopefully the mob will pick out the package that works best to the most people.

Oh dear. I appear to have changed the sketch entirely in the new setting. Help!

3)
INT. MAN LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED. "GIVE BLOOD" SIGN IS NEARBY. A VAMPIRE EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS.

MAN:
Ahhhh!

VAMPIRE:
Good Evening.

MAN:
err..I suppose you've come to take blood…?

VAMPIRE:
That's right. Now, if you'll just roll down your collar…

MAN:
Hey, don't you have to ask all those questions? You know, to make sure I'm a suitable donor?

VAMPIRE:
MUTTERS, THEN PULLS OUT A LEAFLET…Oh, silly me. Now…Have you got AIDS?

MAN:
No

VAMPIRE:
Have you already given blood in the last 16 weeks

MAN:
No

SOME TIME LATER…

VAMPIRE:
Have you had oral or anal sex with another man?

MAN:
Look, I've had enough of these questions. Can we just get to the point..?

VAMPIRE:
I thought you'd never ask

LEANS IN AND OPENS HIS MOUTH

MAN:
What the hell do you think you're doing?
MAN STORMS OUT

(VAMPIRE:
Wait...I just wanted to suck your…)

MAN: (OOV)
F**cking male nurses…

And I've changed the 1st a little: Need more trimming?

1)
THERAPIST:
So, I understand you're a little depressed.

MAN (OOV):
It's these new regulations at work. I have to ask so many questions…Have you given blood before, have you got AIDS, are you pregnant? It used to be so much simpler. I'd turn up, take blood, they'd go home. Now, they all sod off when I ask them about anal sex.

THERAPIST:
Tell me about it. Apparently you need qualifications to do this job now…err…anyway, you might have Seasonal Affected Disorder. It's easily cured by a bit of sunlight.

PICKS UP A REMOTE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. THE BLINDS SLOWLY OPEN. CAN NOW SEE IT'S A VAMPIRE ON THE COUCH.

VAMPIRE:
Oh, shit.

CUT TO A SMOKING CLOAK ON THE FLOOR. THERAPIST PICKS IT UP AND SEARCHES IT.

THERAPIST:
Not again! The bloodsucker never brings any money.

The first 1 is an intriguing and funny example of what I call a none explainer.

It's a ridiculous situation where nothing's explained, but it all makes sense because it's funny.

Lovely stuff.

When you say 1st you did mean the one labelled 1) rather than 3)? My strict labelling of the versions, and I still get confused

And thanks for the comments, it's a good feeling when one hits the mark. Just let me know which one please

It's the one marked 3.

Cheers. Just read it through again after dinner, and it's probably the best worked thing I've managed so far.

Any advice as to where it's worth sending it (if at all)?

Rough cuts?

Otherwise keep it on ice till there's a contest somewhere, or maybe you can make it topical?

It may even become topical.