Hi. Sorry for haunting you with my Town Heads bollox. I think it needs a different ending though. I am open to suggestions. Oh and also what you think of it of course.
Sarah & Jon are holding a dinner party for their friends Vicky & Ben. Also invited is Sarah’s brother Luke and his new girlfriend whom they have all yet to meet.
INTRO
Sarah & Vicky in the kitchen cutting veg.
Sarah
Luke is bringing his brand spanking new girlfriend round.
Vicky
Is she like all the others?
Sarah
You mean sluty (Giggles). I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine
Vicky
I bet she is. His girlfriends normally are well let’s say very blatant. What happened to that Mary or Marie or whatever her name was.
Sarah
It was Martine. Well she put ½ a stone on. I think she ate 3 eclairs after a big Sunday roast once. Luke was horrified. Dumped her that evening. He reckoned he saw her waist expand as she scoffed.
They both chuckle.
A shout emerges from the Living room.
Jon
We are Fer Kin (Tarzan style holler) Sta ar ar ar ving here. What time is that tart arriving with his new whorelet. When will dinner be ready. A guy could become emaciated here.
Sarah
That would take years you fat bastard.
Jon
I bet if we were George Clooney & Colin Farrell, we’d have been fed by now.
Sarah
You two are more George Balooney & Colin Barrell.
The door bell rings. Sarah wipes her hands and goes to answer. Luke & his new girlfriend have arrived.
Luke
Hi Sis, this is Nina. Nina, Sarah.
Nina tries to hide her surprise. Nina is in a classy suit with a warm smile on her face.
Sarah returns the smile & ushers them into the living room, introduces Nina to the astonished guys.
Sarah
Nina would you like a drink?
Nina
(Well spoken voice) A glass of white wine would be fabulous thank you.
Sarah goes back into the kitchen.
Sarah
Did you cop a load of Lukes new lady?
Vicky
No I have been chopping your onions. Look at the state of me. My eyes are black with mascara now. I look like a battered wife. I will take the drinks through & meet her then. Is she a bimbo?
Sarah
No! That’s the shocker. She seems classy, well spoken. Nothing like the others. She is nice. I like her already.
Vicky goes through to greet Nina with a raised eyebrow.
Cut to them all sitting at the table eating dinner.
Luke
So Sarah, how is work?
Sarah
The same old.
Nina
May I ask what you do Sarah?
Ben
Ewwwwww! Not when we are eating.
Sarah
I am a midwife.
Nina
Fascinating. I am a bank clerk. I get to look at figures all day too.
Tom & Ben chortle.
Nina
It must be something else to be elbow deep in fanny’s though.
The dinner table goes quiet.
Nina
I mean you must see some horrific sites.
Jon
(Talks with his mouth full) I am trying to eat here.
Nina
All that blood & yukky stuff.
Vicky tries to change the subject.
Vicky
I got my promotion.
Nina
What does the after birth look like Sarah. Is it just a big round goo bag filled with blood. Is it true that some cultures eat it?
Ben
I don’t think I can eat anymore.
Jon sticks his fingers in his ears and places his face in the plate and slurps up the remaining food.
Luke has a go at changing the subject.
Luke
Nina Honey tell my sister about that attempted robbery at your bank.
Nina
Does a vagina really shrink back to its original size after birth, even after stitches. I tell you that must f**king hurt getting stitches in your crack?
Luke
This guy came into the bank & ………….
Nina
Does the Inner labia stretch. An ex boyfriend of mine thought I had given birth due to my extraordinarily long inner labia.
Ben
Is there any pudding?
Sarah
Fruit fool.
Ben
Erm! I don’t think I can eat it. Can I take some home with me.
Nina
I heard that a lot of women shit themselves while giving birth. Must be all that pushing.
Luke
(Shouts) Nina! Maybe Sarah will answer all your questions after dinner.
Nina
Of course. Silly me.
Nina starts to laugh. A weird crazy laugh like a car desperatley trying to start. Her top lip is peeled back like some demented horse. (her heh her heher heher heher herrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
The whole table put their forks down in shock. Eventualy she calms herself.
Sarah
Vicky you were saying about your promotion.
Vicky
Yes. More money & responsibility
Nina
What do you do Vicky?
The table goes quiet.
Vicky
Erm!
Ben
(whispers) Please don’t tell her, my stomach couldn’t take it.
Jon
Can I eat my pudding before you answer that question pleeeeease?
Sarah
How about after dinner we have a game of monopoly or something, we can do a quiz even.
Nina
(eyes narrowed) I don’t like games. I despise to lose. Quiz’s are ok though as long as they are mathematical. I am good with figures. Non screaming bloody birthing ones that is.
Nina does her laugh again (her heherhe herrrrrrrrr)
Nina
Anyway Vicky was about to tell me her line of work.
Vicky
Erm! I work for a clinic.
Nina
What kind of clinic
Ben
I think I am going to go down the pub, Do you fancy coming guys?
Luke & Jon chorus yep.
Vicky
I should be going home actually Sarah. Erm! I will catch up with you later ok.
Sarah
But…….
Nina
So Sarah now we have finished eating and its just the two of us here, tell me, do you ever have a little twiddle of a womans clity when your groping her innards.
