JIMMY PUTS HIS HEADPHONES BACK ON. "GANSGTA GANGSTA" BY N.W.A. IS HEARD. JIMMY BOBS HIS HEAD WHILST LAUGHING QUIETLY AND SMILING AT PEOPLE. AS JOHN WALKS AWAY JIMMY AIMS HIS HAND AT HIM AS A PISTOL, FIRES, THEN PRETENDS TO BLOW SMOKE OFF THE END OF HIS FINGER.
8.INT. OFFICE – DAY. THE PHONE ON MIKE'S DESK RINGS. ANDY ANSWERS IT.
ANDY
Hello Department of…hi Mike
(pause)
yeah I'll just get him. John that's Mike on the phone. How are you anyway?
(pause)
Oh right that's not good mate
JIMMY
(shouting with headphones on) Do I look like a motherf**kin role model?
JOHN COMES ROUND AND TAKES THE PHONE FROM ANDY AND CRADLES THE RECIEVER GIVING JIMMY A LOOK AS HE DOES SO
JOHN
Jimmy what are you listening to?
JIMMY
Shiny happy people by R.E.M.
JOHN
Not your not
JIMMY
Yes I am
JOHN
Your listening to Gangsta, Gangsta by N.W.A.
JIMMY
Yeah maybe
JOHN
Don't make me take hip-hop away from you as well Jimmy
JIMMY
okay
JOHN
(to himself) what is it this time?
JOHN REMOVES HIS HAND FROM THE RECEIVER
Hi Mike
(pause)
Why what's up?
(pause)
uh huh
(pause)
uh huh
(pause)
you dog is what?
(pause)
uh huh
JOHN PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE RECEIVER AGAIN
(to everyone) can someone please google can dogs get abortions?
EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM CONFUSED
Hurry up
EVERYONE BEGINS TO TYPE INTO THEIR PC'S
ANDY
You know if they do an audit trail log on this
JOHN
I know it's on me, just google it okay?
KATIE
According to pet place dogs can get abortions
JOHN
Hi Mike, yeah, no I believe you
(pause)
No I wasn't checking on google
ANDY
Cool it says here you can get a morning after pill for a dog any time up to 72 hours after mating
JIMMY
Cause dogs can be whores just like some women
JOHN
I'm warning you Jimmy
JIMMY
The bitches
KATIE
The what?
JIMMY
Female dogs, bitches is what they call them it was on animal hospital
JOHN
So are you taking a day of annual leave then Mike?
(pause)
I can't put it down as family illness Mike
(pause)
because it's a dog
(pause)
I gave Eileen a day of special leave for Mr Tiddles funeral because he was her only family to speak of.
WE SEE EILEEN, KNOWN AS CAT LADY AT HER DESK. WE THEN SEE A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER KNEELING AT THE GRAVESIDE OF HER CAT, THE TOMBSTONE READS "MR TIDDLES 2000-2004"
(shouting) It doesn't matter that she didn't have a funeral for Mr Bojangles I still had to give her a day to go to the taxidermist.
WE SEE EILEEN AGAIN, NEXT TO HER IS A STUFFED CAT WITH A NAMEPLATE WHICH READS MR BOJANGLES 204-2007
Okay, okay family leave it is
(pause)
Mike, maybe I shouldn't be asking this but is abortion the right way to go, I mean couldn't you just sell the puppies?
(pause)
mmm hmm
(pause)
mmm hmm
(pause)
It can't be that ugly
JOHN PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE RECIVER
Someone do an image search for Chinese crested hairless dog
EVERYONE STARTS TYPING
No mike I wouldn't want to see you down by the river with a sack and a guilty consience.
ANDY
Oh good lord that thing makes Amy Winehouse look like Jessica Alba
KATIE
Let's see
(pause)
oh dear
JOHN
What do mean you have her permission to do it?
(pause)
I don't think one bark for yes and two barks for no is enough for consent Mike
(pause)
well yeah I suppose I wasn't there to see how well you explained it
(pause)
okay anyway, so we'll see you tomorrow then?
(pause)
yes depending on how the grieving process is going
(pause)
if you could make contact either way
JOHN PUTS THE PHONE DOWN
JOHN
Mike won't be in today
KATIE
Dog abortion, it's novel I'll give him that.
JOHN
Can we avoid any discussion of ill pets I don't want Eileen having another incident.
ANDY BEGINS TO HUM AND THEN TO SING "THE WAY WE WERE" BY BARBARA STRIESAND
WE SEE EILEEN AND HER CAT MR. BOJANGLES IN SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF HAPPIER TIMES WEARING THE SAME XMAS JUMPER, AT THE BEACH ETC THEN
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A)"CAT LADY" EILEEN WITH 2ND CAT MR. BOJANGLES IN A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
B)CAT LADY HOLDING MR. BOJANGLES PAW AS HE GOES INTO AN MRI MACHINE
C)DOCTOR COMING OUT OF A ROOM AND IMPARTING BAD NEWS ABOUT MR BOJANGLES TO EILEEN
D)EILEEN AT HER DESK, CRYING INTO A TISSUE AND STROKING THE STUFFED MR. BOJANGLES NEXT TO HER
EILEEN
Why did he take Mr. Bojangles so young?
ANDY WALKS OVER TO EILEEN'S DESK AND HUGS HER
ANDY
Because God loves dogs more
(pause)
(singing) misty water coloured memories of the way we were
JOHN
Andy, stop that
ANDY WALKS BACK OVER TO HIS DESK AND SITS DOWN
JOHN
Was it really necessary for you to start singing that song?
ANDY
Sorry boss