Another one from the archive, written during the final days of 1999. It needs to be read in the context of all the ‘Year 2000’ scare mongering that was going on at the time. In a further 93 years it will maybe become topical again … although computers should’ve moved on a bit by then … and probably even sprouted legs! Anyway, the following can either be presented as a poem (Pam Ayres accent!) or sung … in which case it goes to the tune of the Eton Boating Song. Sorry it’s so long but I got carried away (it’s sort-of biographical) … and even more cheekily I got to choose the subject this week!
Pooter 2K Last Minute Blues
It was Year 2K Eve in the workhouse
the pooters were all hushed and still
no lights were a-blinking (nor printers a-printing)
and thus it continued, until ...
in the BIOS the time ticked past midnight
the pooters did stretch and did yawn
but a glance at the clock delivered a shock
'cos they saw they had not yet been born.
The pooters did get in a quandary
wondering just who they should tell
It didn't seem right, that a very short night,
should have lost them a century as well.
But one of them had an idea
to ring, via his modem, for aid
"I'll just have a chat with that programmer chap ...
... and a fix then will surely be made".
The 'phone took a long while to answer
but then came a voice that they knew
"the problem ain't mine" said the chap on the line
"the man that you want is called Stu ...
... he wrote all of the systems you're running
... before leaving the company last year
... I do know of course, that we don't have the source
... so the problem ain't simple I fear".
The pooters rang Stu shortly after
and had a most interesting chat -
most of the programs were done in the sixties
and seventies (or something like that).
"The language was COBOL" he told them,
"the source was just cards punched with holes ...
... in '80 we binned 'em (no reader to read 'em!)
... and lots of us took on new roles".
"In '90 we made some new systems ...
... and mostly we wrote them in C
... but the budget was axed, some programmers sacked
... and the management blamed it on me."
"I said that there might be an answer ...
... new systems and savings of cash;
... just make the new C call old COBOL
... and we'd have the 'new' code in a flash!"
"Well it worked and the management smiled ...
... (like they do when they're not spending money)
... I told them the risk but the point was, well, 'missed'
... and my caution was looked on as ‘funny’".
"They said that the problem I'd mentioned
... was not worth discussion or fuss
... and pooter advances would re-duce the chances
... of small interruptions to us".
" The next thing they wanted was GUI
... ‘make boring old screens go away
... with menus and icons (and go-faster stripes) on
... the systems we're running today'".
"so we made a new layer with windows
... on code we'd been running before
... and with a mouse click the users could pick
... any feature they wanted and more".
" For a couple of years it was quiet ...
... with nothing to do but maintain
... this great heap of code, most of it old
... (how I wished we could just start again!)".
" Then they said we should introduce 'objects' ...
... for code to be shared without fuss
... so we got us some books and read about OOPS
... and stirred in some C with plus plus".
" Last year my part in this saga ...
... did thankfully come to an end
... 'you're too old Mr Stu, we can't afford you
... with the young-uns on which we depend'"
" They gave me what's known as 'the handshake' ...
... and said I should leave that same day
... I didn't protest, just cleared out my desk
... and collected my severance pay".
"So like many who find themselves jobless ...
... I studied the ads through and through
... most jobs I applied for - got no reply, or
... they said 'don't call us we'll call you'".
"But one day, things changed, for the better ...
... the job called for age over youth
... I wrote, they accepted (quite unexpected)
... but then I am long in the tooth".
"Their worry was that of 'two thousand' ...
... that systems would grind to a halt
... 'we just cannot wait, until its too late,
... your job is to find every fault'".
"Today they are pleased with the progress ...
... my job gets respect and no stress
... but one is enough and although it sounds tough
... you'll have to sort out your own mess!"
The pooters, dismayed by Stu's story,
were filled with a most awesome fear;
No fix would be found (and systems made sound)
when the work should've started last year.
With nobody there to help them
they made up their minds what to do ...
pretend nothing's wrong and just carry on
(the problem might go away too!).
By the end of next day in the workhouse
some very strange things had occurred.
All debts had been cleared (the customers cheered)
and cash to suppliers deferred.
The management, while a bit puzzled,
were pleased at the uplift in trade
but hopes were soon dashed, the company crashed,
with everything lost it'd made.
The assets were sold in an auction
the pooters soon had a new site
a man they all knew, his name 'Mr Stu'
soon put all their programs to right.
The troubles they'd had were not serious
and really quite easy to fix ...
a few lines of code to replace the old
he'd written in seventy six!
If this tale has a moral dimension
by now it will be rather plain
there's a use for old dogs, in programming jobs,
and chucking them out is a shame.
The ones that can save your Millenium
need to know a few tricks to be sure
they're long in the horn and mostly were born
just after the Second World War.
Few of your corporate systems
are really as 'new' as they look
the stuff on the screen conceals all that's been
no clue about how long it took.
So if you are using computers
there's only one thing left to say
2K compliance is key for reliance
on programs you're running today.
© 1999 Mike Corke, Rojales, Alicante, Spain
