Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 8:42 AM BSTEntering the Guniness Book of Records as the most frequently sedated woman in Kent.
Agree with Norman re: the above -- 
.
Good sketch. The rhythm feels like it needs another line or two, just before the end, in my opinion, to build up before the final pay-off.
The 'Purple People Eater' made me laugh too.
Dan
Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 11:53 AM BSTInteresting idea, maybe to complex.
Maybe some one he says
"She was a second rate preacher, but a first rate lunch"
I quite like that. Especially if it's done solemny, like a eulogy.
Or standard stuff like:
he poos. <PAUSE>
GUARD: And the rest
KILLER: Well, you try Sh**ting with an audience
Poos again
or KILLER: I always found nuts hard to digest, especially religious ones.
Anyway, least there's potential to do a lot with the gags.
Quote: David Bussell @ August 6 2008, 11:57 AM BSTWell, it's horrible and it needs some trimming but I can honestly say I've never seen it done before. The 'gays go to hell' bit only served to muddle the punchline I thought. I'd make the joke more direct. Something like this:
EXT. CEMETARY - DAY
A GROUP OF MOURNERS STAND AROUND AN OPEN GRAVE. A VICAR TAKES THE FUNERAL SERVICE.
ONE IS A SHAVEN-HEADED PRISONER SURROUNDED BY GUARDS.
VICAR:
We are here today to say goodbye to Verity Goodheart. Verity was one of our most enthusiastic campaigners. No matter how many doors were slammed in her face she'd always move on to the next. But her trusting nature was to be her downfall when, one tragic evening, she made the mistake of accepting an invitation into the home of a notorious serial killer and canibal.THE VICAR GIVES THE PRISONER A DISAPPOINTED LOOK.
VICAR (CONT):
We will now lower her mortal remains in the earth.A GUARD NODS AND THE PRISONER DROPS HIS PANTS AND SQUATS OVER THE GRAVE. ANOTHER GUARD HOLDS A TOILET ROLL AT THE READY.
Now that is nice and curt.
Maybe if the Vicar joins the guym looks at the congregation and says
"What ? I was hungry,"
or
"He said it was stew,"
n.b. I know one shouldn't promote one's other stuff in diferent threads.
But there's a new chapter of Justice Flatshare of America.
I'm just trying to avoid using to many different threads.
Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 12:05 PM BSTNow that is nice and curt.
Maybe if the Vicar joins the guym looks at the congregation and says
"What ? I was hungry,"
or
"He said it was stew,"
Maybe if one of the guards or someone else steps forward and does that. Just why would he have met the Vicar before?
Great re-write by Mr Bussell. If it's a simple idea, keep it simple. Less is more, particularly in this case
Quote: Rob0 @ August 6 2008, 12:01 PM BST
Or standard stuff like:
he poos. <PAUSE>
GUARD: And the rest
KILLER: Well, you try Sh**ting with an audience
Poos againor KILLER: I always found nuts hard to digest, especially religious ones.
Anyway, least there's potential to do a lot with the gags.
I like the questions it throws up.
Quote: David Bussell @ August 6 2008, 11:57 AM BSTWell, it's horrible and it needs some trimming but I can honestly say I've never seen it done before. The 'gays go to hell' bit only served to muddle the punchline I thought. I'd make the joke more direct. Something like this:
EXT. CEMETARY - DAY
A GROUP OF MOURNERS STAND AROUND AN OPEN GRAVE. A VICAR TAKES THE FUNERAL SERVICE.
ONE IS A SHAVEN-HEADED PRISONER SURROUNDED BY GUARDS.
VICAR:
We are here today to say goodbye to Verity Goodheart. Verity was one of our most enthusiastic campaigners. No matter how many doors were slammed in her face she'd always move on to the next. But her trusting nature was to be her downfall when, one tragic evening, she made the mistake of accepting an invitation into the home of a notorious serial killer and canibal.THE VICAR GIVES THE PRISONER A DISAPPOINTED LOOK.
VICAR (CONT):
We will now lower her mortal remains in the earth.A GUARD NODS AND THE PRISONER DROPS HIS PANTS AND SQUATS OVER THE GRAVE. ANOTHER GUARD HOLDS A TOILET ROLL AT THE READY.
That's much better.
Very funny, dark idea, though I think David Bussell did an excellent re-write!
Well done Bussell would you like to shag the missus, kick my dog, and eat me dinner?
Seriously it's a good rewrite.
I may take the elements of the story and rework them some where else.
Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 12:28 PM BSTWell done Bussell would you like to shag the missus, kick my dog, and eat me dinner?
I'd sooner eat your wife, kick your dog and shag your dinner.
Seriously though, all I did was lose a few jokes on the way to your punchline. That's the trick of comedy I think. Less jokes.
Quote: David Bussell @ August 6 2008, 12:45 PM BSTThat's the trick of comedy I think. Less jokes.
It's certainly worked for you. Heh.
Good sketch.
Last time you did that you made quite a mess.
Ow now your even giving me, my own stentorian advice.
You're about to write a rubbish song parody with all the syllables wrong, and then do half a dozen Pria de Luz gags, each with the punch line.
Boris Johnso is a posh bum face.
I surrender you can be me.
Quote: Matthew Stott @ August 6 2008, 12:47 PM BSTIt's certainly worked for you. Heh.
Gaywad.
Good plot. 