BOB AND JOB

Hello. Ive posted a couple of sketches on here, so, as its primarilly a sit-com site, thought id delight you all now with a scene from a sit-com I wrote a while ago! This is from 'BOB AND JOB' a bit of a willfully odd script that I work on every now and again, somewhere to put any old bizzare thing I think up, a series which in all probability wouldnt get produced in a million years! Anyway, I have fun doing it and wait with baited breath for your opinions! I hope you enjoy it, but fully expect most to hate it!!

EXT. HIGH STREET-DAY.

Bob is dressed quite smartly in a grey pin-striped suit with shirt and loose tie. Then theres Job, Job is Bobs partially formed Siamese twin. Hes a sort of half head, half mound thing growing out of Bobs left shoulder, with one slender arm dangling. He also has a little shirt collar and tie. Job speaks with a deep, rich, confident voice.

The joined up pair stop outside a dating agency and look at the poster in the window.

It’s a before and after job. The before shows a fat, old, grotesque man alone and sad looking. The after side shows the same man, still looking sad, but now with a gorgeous bikini clad lovely on each arm.

JOB
(SARCASTIC)
Oh, well Im convinced.

BOB

You cant argue with an advert that big.

Bob nods and enters.

CUT TO:

INT. DATING AGENCY.

Inside we find a very bare office. One woman is sat behind the lone desk, to her right against the wall is a single filing cabinet. As Bob and Job enters the woman is preoccupied with writing something and so doesn’t look up.

AGENCY

Please, take a seat, I wont be a mo.

BOB

Thank you!

They sit.

JOB

You realise the sweet stench of sweaty desperation is currently hanging over you like a sodden nightdress.

BOB

Its easy for you to say, your beating the ladies off with a stick.

JOB

A slight exaggeration I think Bo-

We see a woman rise up suddenly from beside the desk and move towards Job, who now has a stick in his spindly grasp that he sets about thrashing her with.

JOB

Get out of it!

The woman scurries from the shop.

JOB

Ok, on you go then.

The agency woman has finished writing.

AGENCY

Right then, how can I-

She looks up, seeing Job for the first time.

AGENCY
(CONT)
-oh my good Christ what in the name of all that’s evil is it?! Oh my eyes! My poor tainted eyes!!! By the goddess, would someone tear my eyes asunder so I should never have to look upon such sights again!!! (SUDDENLY CALM) By which I mean, hi, and how are you today?

BOB

Hi, Im Bob, and this is my partially formed Siamese twin, Job.

JOB

Hey there sweet thing.

The woman giggles girlishly.

AGENCY

You know, at first Job, I thought you were a hideous abomination, a grotesque mockery of Gods design, created by the dark Lord himself to bring about Hell on earth; but now I want to sleep with you.

JOB

Yeah, I get that a lot.

The two make eyes at each other.

BOB

Hi, over here.

AGENCY
(COLLECTING HERSLEF)
Right, yes; how can I help you?

BOB

Im on the look out for a nice lady to share my life with. Im quite desperate, verging on the suicidal at times, but I don’t like to complain.

JOB

Cissy.

BOB

Shut up.

Suddenly, the front of the filing cabinet swings open like a door and a figure exits hurriedly. The figure is a man in a floor length, dark coat, clutching a briefcase. Instead of a normal head, he has a goats head perched on his neck top. Without a word he swiftly exits the agency.

AGENCY
(BEAT)
So then, what kind of woman are you after Bob?

BOB

Woah there, who was that? That was very peculiar.

AGENCY

Him? I don’t know; I don’t like to ask questions, I just do my job, go home, post pictures of myself naked on the internet and try not to kill anyone. I don’t want to get involved, don’t drag me down with you! I wont go down with you, you hear me?! I want to live!!!

BOB

Fair enough.

JOB

Is it just me, or is insanity sexy?

AGENCY
(FLIRTY)
You think that was crazy, you should come back to mine and watch me nail my feet to a side of beef.

BOB

Back to me please.

AGENCY

Right, right; so what kind of woman are you after?

BOB

Any really, as long as theyre alive and have very low expectations, Im fine. Oh, but no one that smells like Hitler, I do have to be very strict there.

AGENCY
(TYPING)
Right, and how do you feel about the stench of other well known fascist dictators? We do have several girls with a faint odour of Mussolini about them.

BOB

That’s fine.

We see the woman who Job beat away with a stick try to quietly re-enter. Without looking, Job raises the stick once more.

JOB

Don’t make me use the pointy end.

The woman hurriedly exits.

End Of scene.

THERE WE GO, BE GENTLE WITH ME!

I liked it, seriously need to do a follow up sketch with looney agency woman and Job going on a date. Not much I can say really cept it was goooood!!!

Thanks Gavin, thats made my day!

What an outstandingly excellent idea of having a partially formed Siamese twin in a sitcom. I don't actually find this anything but offensive and richly funny all at the same time. Not sure if it’s the script content or the concept that does it for me. It kind of reminds me of 'How To Get Ahead In Advertising' - the concept that is, and I'm strangely drawn. If I carry on like this I might even reply to that thread about where the soft porn has gone on Channel 5.

Thanks for the kind words baumski! You know Id never actually thought that anyone might find the idea offensive! Dont know how many partially formed siamese twins there are out there, but theyll be glad to hear that Job, the partially formed one, is always the succesful, well off, lusted after one out of the pair. Not sure if any channel would bite my hand off to produce an odd sit-com in which the lead charecter is a man and his partially formed siamese twin, but it makes me laugh. Thanks again, glad to know Im not the only one who finds this sort of thing amusing!!

Quote: Matthew Stott @ January 16, 2007, 7:05 PM

Dont know how many partially formed siamese twins there are out there, but theyll be glad to hear that Job, the partially formed one, is always the succesful, well off, lusted after one out of the pair.

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Leading on from there, I think it's so important to have role models.

I agree, I hope my script will help all partially formed siamese twins to hold their deformed heads high!

Nothing to say here, except I wanted to save Mr Stott the effort of bumping his sketch to the top of the list again with another spurious reply or edit.

Well done!

Hey Matt

Really good. I could visualise everything really well, it's very funny, interesting and certainly never been done before. I like that you're doing it because you enjoy it and not aiming it at the studio execs (though I have a feeling it would be hard to sell, unless it was an animation!)

Keep working at it as I'm hooked and would like to go through a whole episode if you do get there!

Dan

Thanks a lot swerytd, Im glad people seem to have liked this, as I really thought it would be a bit too odd for most people. I do plan to send this out eventually to production companies, and look forward to the numerous rejection slips!!!

Hey Badge, Im afraid this reply means this is going back to the top of the pile! (Heh Heh)

Never read anything of yours in a sitcom before you clearly have a talent for it, I see it working as an animation or a poorly funded sitcom with actors tapped to midgets or something.

Have a read of the first couple of scenes of my sitcom matt (three’s a crowd), curious to know what you think.

Well - I just came across this by accident. I thought I'd try that search facility which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.

I think this is a gem! And nothing at all politically incorrect about it at all!

However there was a similar thing on South Park.

So if it gets commissioned who do you see taking the lead part(s)?

It's excellent, and though Siamese stuff has been done, this feels new and original.

Which it is.

It's also funny.

I'd downplay the language abit, it's a bit wordy at the moment, and your in dnager of having 3 funny characters and no straight one.

But others a very funny, original skit.

I had high hopes but unfortunately the whole thing was ruined for me by the mispelling of the word 'Sissy'.

I'm just yanking you off, Matt - a fine effort! As a fellow writer of material that will never ever in a million years sell (or so they keep telling me) I applaud your bravery. As you know, my sitcom, Grind Show, also features conjoined twins. I have a real love for the weird f**kers - you should see my life-size effigy of Chang and Eng I keep in my kitchen (only act quickly before I burn them this Winter solstice). Did I ever tell you that I once started writing a film (pre Stuck on You) about a couple of conjoined twins, one of which who was gay, who shared the same arsehole? Chocolate dynamite!

Wow, a bit of a surprise to see this again; I posted it about a year and a half ago; and must have written it close to two years ago! It's nice, and a bit odd to me, that all comments so far have been positive; I'd have thought there'd be a lot of people who thought it was shit. I have a soft spot for Bob and Job, I still hope to do something with them one day; though the way I was writing their world here is perhaps just too random and odd to ever even get close to a hope of being commisioned.

Quote: David Bussell @ August 6 2008, 11:34 AM BST

Did I ever tell you that I once started writing a film (pre Stuck on You) about a couple of conjoined twins, one of which who was gay, who shared the same arsehole? Chocolate dynamite!

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I want to see that film.