Not sure if this is a sketch or what. Probably more part of a prison sitcom.
SCENE. INT. PRISON GUARDS OFFICE
OFFICER POLLOCK IS CLEANING A ROW OF SECURITY MONITORS THAT DEPICT THE VARIOUS PARTS OF THE PRISON. HE IS WEARING AN APRON. ANOTHER PRISON OFFICER, STUART, IS MAKING A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
STUART BRINGS HIS COFFEE OVER TO THE MONITORS AND PUTS IT DOWN ON THE WORK SURFACE.
POLLOCK:
Don’t do that! I’ve just cleaned that!
STUART IGNORES POLLOCK’S PLEA AND SITS AT HIS STATION, WATCHING THE MONITORS.
POLLOCK SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST.
STUART:
Where am I supposed to put it then?
POLLOCK:
In the bin.
STUART:
What? You’re being ridiculous!
POLLOCK:
Cleanliness in next to Godliness.
STUART:
You’ve been watching too much How Clean is Your House.
POLLOCK:
Don’t disrespect Kim and Aggie.
POLLOCK MOVES OVER TO A 'HOW CLEAN IS YOUR HOUSE' CALENDAR THAT HANGS ON THE WALL AND BEGINS TO DUST IT.
STUART:
So what do you make of the new bird in the East Wing?
POLLOCK:
She’s nice. Very lovely.
STUART:
Oh yeah I forgot. You like cock don’t you?
POLLOCK:
You don’t know anything about me. For all you know, I could be happily married.
STUART:
You’re married all right. To Kim and Aggie.
POLLOCK:
(ANGRY) Kim and Aggie have cleaned up the nation. Knives have been replaced with brushes, guns with sponges…
STUART:
So that’s the government’s secret weapon against crime is it? Kim and Aggie?
POLLOCK:
Well, crime has gone down in recent years.
STUART:
Yeah. Because criminals now know better how to clean up the evidence!
Sponges haven’t replaced knives, they’ve just been used to mop up the blood! Kim and Aggie are Britain’s number one accessory to murder!
POLLOCK IS OUTRAGED. HE SPRAYS STUART WITH SOME CLEANING SPRAY AND BASHES HIM IN THE FACE WITH A DUSTER.
POLLOCK:
Wash your mouth out!
