He's not worth it, Brian (Runner, Part 1)

EXT. A PUB DOORWAY.

A YOUNG COUPLE, BRIAN AND SYLVIE ARE ENTERING THE PUB, AS THEY DO SO A MAN EXITS CARRYING TWO PINTS. BRIAN BUMPS INTO HIM, CAUSING HIM TO PARTLY SPILL ONE OF THEM.

BRIAN

Oh, sorry mate. Can I buy you another pint?

DRINKER (WELSH ACCENT)

No, that's okay, I wasn't looking where I was going.

SYLVIE THROWS HERSELF IN FRONT OF BRIAN.

SYLVIE

Don't Brian. He's not worth it.

BRIAN

Sylv, love...

SYLVIE (TO DRINKER)

You should watch yourself. He might not look like much, but he's a tiger when he's roused.

SHE FORMS HER HANDS IN TO CLAWS.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

Rrrrr!!!!

DRINKER (MAKING A PLACATING GESTURE)

Keep your cool girl.

SYLVIE

Did you hear what he called me?

BRAIN AND THE DRINKER LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER, PUZZLED.

SYLVIE

A call girl! A walker of the streets. A lady of the night.

BRIAN

I don't think...

SYLVIE

A brass flute. A pay as you go pussy. A ten bob ride to jizztown. A ho.

DRINKER

No really, I said keep your "cool", girl...

SYLVIE

Just go. Go while you still can. (TO BRIAN, WHOM SHE IS HOLDING BACK UNNECESSARILY) Don't sink to his level, Brian. (TO THE DRINKER, GESTURING FRANTICALLY) Go!!

THE DRINKER STARTS TO BACK AWAY.

BRIAN (WAVING)

Sorry again about the pint.

DRINKER

Don't worry about it, mon.

SYLVIE (TO BRIAN)

Wimp.

END.

I really liked this. It was particularly easy to visualise, which perhaps made it funnier to me.

I think maybe it would be a sharper ending if instead of a simple "Wimp", Sylvie said to Brian something like "You're lucky, I think he had a knife."... or some such.

Cheers. And another. Too similar?

EXT. THE STREET.

A TRAFFIC WARDEN IS WRITING OUT A TICKET. BRIAN AND SYLVIE ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.

SYLVIE

Isn't that your car, Brian?

THEY APPROACH.

WARDEN

I'm terribly sorry sir, your meter expired three minutes ago.

BRIAN

That's perfectly all right, you're only doing your job.

WARDEN

I wish everyone was so reasonable, sir.

SYLVIE THROWS HERSELF IN FRONT OF BRIAN.

SYLVIE

Don't Brian. He's not worth it. (TO WARDEN) It's lucky for you I'm here, you tinpot little Hitler! (TO BRIAN) Breathe, Brian breathe.

WARDEN

I assure you madam...

SYLVIE

Did you hear what he called me?

BRIAN AND THE WARDEN LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER, PUZZLED.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

A madam! The owner of a brothel! The keeper of an unruly house!

BRIAN CAST HIS EYES HEAVENWARD. THE WARDEN JUST LOOKS BEMUSED.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

A purveyor of shagging services! An impresario of unnatural acts! An unscrupulous profiteer from the white slave trade!

THE WARDEN FINISHES WRITING OUT THE TICKET, AND HANDS IT TO BRIAN.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

Don't you think your uniform will protect you.

SYLVIE CLINGS TO BRIAN'S LAPELS, UNNECESSARILY RESTRAINING HIM.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

There's no holding him back when his dander's up. (TO BRIAN) Slowly Brian, breathe slowly. Let the red mist clear.

THE WARDEN BEGINS TO SLOWLY WALK AWAY.

SYLVIE (CONT.)

That's right, run. Run!!

BRIAN HOLDS UP THE TICKET AND CALLS OUT TO THE DEPARTING WARDEN.

BRIAN

It won't happen again.

SYLVIE TURNS HER FACE AWAY FROM HIM.

SYLVIE

Don't speak to me.

END.

Nice, good character, and writing gives a simple idea alot of legs.

Maybe a surprise twist in the 3rd one?

Timbo's written a runner! Timbo's written a runner!

What is coming next in this crazy mixed-up world?

Funny, though. Did you mean to write "gander?" Surely it's "dander?"

Now you know I don't like runners Timbo............but this is good

Very easy to visualise, to the point where I think that this would work really well on radio. Did you have a medium in mind when you wrote it?

Are these sketches not just an excuse for you do demonstrate how many different words you know to describe a prostitute

Quote: Graham Bandage @ July 14 2008, 8:01 AM BST

Did you mean to write "gander?" Surely it's "dander?"

View original

No, he only gets angry when he's been goosed... Corrected. (Thanks.)

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 14 2008, 9:15 AM BST

I think that this would work really well on radio. Did you have a medium in mind when you wrote it?

View original

I was thinking telly, someone like Catherine Tate or Karen Taylor, but yes I suppose it might work on radio.

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 14 2008, 9:15 AM BST

Are these sketches not just an excuse for you do demonstrate how many different words you know to describe a prostitute

View original

I Googled slang for prostitutes but did not come up with much, so I ended up having to make up some of them. I am quite proud of "pay as you go pussy".

Quote: Graham Bandage @ July 14 2008, 8:01 AM BST

Did you mean to write "gander?" Surely it's "dander?"

View original

Quote: Timbo @ August 3 2008, 1:30 PM BST

No, he only gets angry when he's been goosed... Corrected. (Thanks.)

View original

Gander (Urban Dictionary)

the part of you that gets annoyed
"that guy really gets my gander up!"

aggravated, annoyed, pestered,
irritated, frustrated.

Sorry but you got my gander up!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gander

These runners are harder to write than I may have realised. Anyway here is one more, probably the last...

INT. NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY.

BRIAN AND SYLVIE ARE AMONG A CROWD OF REVELLERS, SHAKING HANDS AND WISHING ONE ANOTHER HAPPY NEW YEAR. SYLVIE IS WEARING A VERY LOW CUT GOWN. BRIAN IS BLOWING ENTHUSIASTICALLY ON A LITTLE PLASTIC TRUMPET.

SYLVIE

Happy New Year, Brian.

BRIAN

Happy New Year, Sylvie, darling.

THEY KISS. A DRUNKEN REVELLER BUMPS INTO THEM, HEAVILY.

REVELLER

Haaapppy New Year!!!

SYLVIE

Don't...

BRIAN CLAMPS A HAND OVER HER MOUTH. THE REVELLER CASTS AN EYE OVER SYLVIE'S CLEAVAGE, THEN CATCHES SIGHT OF BRIAN'S PLASTIC TRUMPET.

REVELLER

Nice trumpet. Mind if I have a blow?

BRIAN RESIGNEDLY CASTS HIS GAZE HEAVENWARDS.

BRIAN

Sorry about this.

HE DECKS THE REVELLER. SYLVIE LOOKS ON AGHAST, THEN TURNS AND SLAPS BRIAN ROUND THE FACE.

SYLVIE

You animal!

END.

Works very well as a companion piece, shows you've got your character and setting nicely together.

Quote: Morrace @ August 3 2008, 3:26 PM BST

Gander (Urban Dictionary)

the part of you that gets annoyed
"that guy really gets my gander up!"

aggravated, annoyed, pestered,
irritated, frustrated.

Sorry but you got my gander up!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gander

View original

Right back atcha.

The first mention of the phrase in question comes in The Republican Banner newspaper, March 1834:

"He wound up by bringin' his fist down on the table... and the Gineral's hat on the table bounced up, I tell you; and says he, "there must be a change, Gineral"... but that didn't go good, and that got the Gineral's dander up."

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/get-your-dander-up.html

Quote: Graham Bandage @ August 4 2008, 10:12 AM BST

Right back atcha.

The first mention of the phrase in question comes in The Republican Banner newspaper, March 1834:

"He wound up by bringin' his fist down on the table... and the Gineral's hat on the table bounced up, I tell you; and says he, "there must be a change, Gineral"... but that didn't go good, and that got the Gineral's dander up."

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/get-your-dander-up.html

View original

Now you REALLY got my - (read my lips) GANDER UP, you multivestite!

I googled both phrases and both ( to my surprise!) are used equally in forums (fora?), blogs, etc. I prefer the alliterate ‘Got my Gander'. It's more aggressive with the ‘GUH' sound, innit? I would be less likely to pander to someone who used ‘gander'!

To be honest, Mr Bandage, I never heard of ‘dander' but as you say the first mention of the phrase was in March 1834. I suspect that ‘gander' came about in the same way as ‘God Blind Me' became ‘Caw Blimey'. It just slipped into the language.

Interestingly enough, I found this in a short story written in 1959, so ‘gander' is older than I thought:

"All right, all right," Okie waved him off, "don't get your gander up!
Go on back to the blackjack table and tell Sam to give you a drink on
the house."

(‘JUBILATION, U.S.A' By G. L. VANDENBURG March 1959)

But hey, if I write any sketches set in the 19th Century, that involve anyone getting angry or pissed off, I will certainly use ‘Dander'.

"Excuse me, guv - I don't suppose you've got the right year on you?"

God be with you
God be wi' ye
Goodbye!

Dander.

From fawltysite.net:

Veal substitute: Basil gets posh Ronald's dander up in Basil the Rat when all he has to offer is veal substitute.

"You're really getting my dander up, you grotty little man!" as he says.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ August 4 2008, 12:45 PM BST

Dander.

From fawltysite.net:

Veal substitute: Basil gets posh Ronald's dander up in Basil the Rat when all he has to offer is veal substitute.

"You're really getting my dander up, you grotty little man!" as he says.

View original

Funny, I was going to say that I must have misheard it when I saw 'Basil the Rat' - BUT listen carefully.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xE5G707C5PY

(it's just before the half-way mark)

"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest" - Simon & Garfunkel, The Boxer

We've totally hijacked your thread, Timbo. Sorry.