Like any "comedian" I'm allowed as many retirements as I want, so I'm back for a bit, for the day at least to keep myself amused. Wow, it's quite a long one (ooerr)
INT. Warehouse.
Hitler, Ben Fogal, a postman and Howard from the Halifax ads are hiding in a warehouse.
Hitler is pacing up and down, whilst the others sit and watch him.
HITLER
What the f**k was that man?!!! Where the f**k did those cops come from?
BEN
I don't know? They just appeared out of the blue.
HITLER
How the f**k were they on to us, how the f**k did they get so close?!!
Hitler gets right up in Howard's face.
HITLER
Why the f**k didn't you warn us?
HOWARD
I...I..
POSTMAN
He was f**king singing.
HITLER
What have I f**king told you about that?!
Hitler turns to Ben.
HITLER
Why the f**k did I listen to you? Why the f**k did you think Howard would be a good look out?!! You posh twat!
BEN
I'm sorry, I always thought Howard was a great chap.
HITLER
Well this "great chap" has landed us deep shit. You're all f**king idiots, the whole lot of you.
POSTMAN
Now hang on just a f**king minute!
Hitler and the Postman face off.
POSTMAN
I did what I was supposed to do, I had it all down like we f**king planned. I was shit hot out there, I was the f**king master.
HITLER
Alright, alright man. You're cool, but this f**ktard here [points to Howard] this f**ktard is in deep shit!
BEN
Now come on Adolf, we can sort this out, no one is to blame here.
HITLER
Hey don't think I'm letting you off the f**king handle either Fogal, you rowing bastard!
POSTMAN
Where the f**k is Good Guy Gordan?
HITLER
I called him on the way here, he's coming down and he's pissed!
HOWARD
Aw shit!
HITLER
Yeah damn right.
BEN
Hey guys, wanna see what I picked up?
HITLER
What you on about now you blonde cock?
BEN
I have it in the boot of my car.
They all walk out, except Howard who sits on the floor almost crying.
EXT. Parking lot - continuous
Fogal takes the lead and walks up to the boot of his car and opens it. They all look inside.
POSTMAN
What the f**k is wrong with you Fogal...?
Postman looks at Hitler to finish his sentence.
HITLER
You public school prick.
BEN
Don't you guys like it?
CUT TO:
INT. Warehouse
The doors burst open and in walks Hitler, followed by Ben and the postman carrying an unconscious cop under the arms. They tie him to a chair.
HOWARD
Who...who's that?
HITLER
He's your new friend f**ktard! I want YOU to find out what this piece of shit knows.
HOWARD
But he's unconscious.
HITLER
Well wake him f**king up then.
BEN
Yeah, you f**ktard.
HOWARD
Ben?!
BEN
Sorry.
POSTMAN
No, no it's good, I like it.
HITLER
Yeah, you finally growing some balls.
Ben smiles proudly.
The doors burst open again and in walks Good Guy Gordon (The Gopher).
GORDON
What the f**k happened out there?
HITLER
The damn cops showed up.
GORDON
How the f**k did the cops show up, we had a plan, what were you doing, sucking each other off?
Ben laughs.
GORDON
Where the f**k is Waller?
HITLER
The cops killed him?
GORDON
That fat f**k.
Gordon looks at the cop.
GORDON
Who the f**k is this guy?
BEN
He's a cop.
GORDON
What the f**k is he doing here?
BEN
I brought him here.
GORDON
What the f**k did you do that for?
BEN
Erm...?
GORDON
You're a f**king idiot.
Gordon pulls a gun out and points it at Ben. Hitler steps in.
HITLER
Now come on Gordon, he f**ked up, but don't, I'll deal with him later.
GORDON
Ah, I ain't got time for this bullshit. Come with me.
Gordon looks at Howard. You stay here, deal with that cop.
HOWARD
W-what?
HITLER
Just do it f**ktard.
Gordon, Ben and the postman leave.
Howard takes a closer look at the cop, who starts to come around.
COP
What the...
HOWARD
It's ok, it's ok.
COP
What the f**k is happening?
HOWARD
It's ok, just relax.
COP
Relax? I'm tied to a f**king chair!
HOWARD
I know, I know but I'm a cop too, it's going to be ok, just hang on.
COP
What? Why the f**k did you have to rape me man?!!
HOWARD
What? We didn't rape you.
COP
No, I know you didn't, but that blonde posh f**k did!
HOWARD
Really?
COP
F**k yeah. Who are you guys, where the f**k am I?
HOWARD
We're in a warehouse, it's there hideout.
COP
Who's hideout?
HOWARD
The guys who robbed the jewelers.
COP
What the f**k you on about man? I'm a traffic cop.
HOWARD
Fogal, you sick bastard.
END OF PART ONE
Ok, I'm guessing most of you wont want to read a long one, so I'll do more later.
