An experiment in long build up.

LIN AND TIM ARE VISITING ARE VISITING JEN AND JON

LIN AND TIM MEET JEN AT THE DOOR

LIN

Jen hows Jon doing?

JEN

He doesn't like to talk about it, come on in.

THEY GO INTO THE LOUNGER, JON HAS A PROJECTOR SET UP.

JON

Hello Lin, hello Tim, how are the kids?

LIN

Fine Tim'studying for his SATs, Chloe's still doing ballet.

TIM

But how are you? It must have been horrible.

JON

Stuff and nonsense, holidays aren't scary.

TIM

It wasn't a holiday....

JON STARTING THE PROJECTOR.

JON

Here's my hotel room, bit cramped. I was rather surprised to find my self sharing with two other men.

LIN

It looks horrible.

JON

Well that's Opodo for you. I..... Jen, Jen why wouldn't you share a room with me?

JEN

I can't take this.

RUNS OUT THE ROOM IN FLOODS OF TEARS.

JON

We didn't go out much, but Knuckles, and Slash were a scream.

ADVANCING SLIDES

JON

And here you see them pulling a prank on me in the showers, a very painful prank. Obviously some one else held the camera.

LIN BURIES HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.

LIN

Oh poor, poor Jon.

TIM

Jon damn it's been 3 months. You got caught stealing from work and went to prison for 8 months. You were not on holiday.

JON

Oh Tim you always were such a big kidder. Prison indeed keep that one for the office Xmas party.

ADVANCES SLIDE

JON

Here's me pulling a prank on Knuckles with a sharpened toothbrush. No more pranks for me after that.

I think if this was ever to be produced, the humour would have to come from the Lin and Jen's reaction to the slides, their lines could probably be cut completely.

Thought you missed a trick by not including a rererence to saving on the single occupancy charge by sharing a cell.

Hmm I see your point, I think I was thinking more of a radio production.

TBH I'm not sure that the dialogue is strong enough on it's own for radio. I see this as a sketch where the camera is almost entirely on the reaction to Jon's commentary to the slides off camera.

Now that would work.

But as I'm going for radio, I'll strengthen then dialogue.

Thanks.

I never expected the ending... lol
I was convinced it was one of those disaster holidays, until the final lines.
I think it could work on radio, as there's no need for visuals of the slides.

I like the idea a lot, but I think it needs a rewrite.

The joke lies in the fact that we don't realise he was in prison until the end of the sketch. The setup is that we are viewing holiday photographs. Don't even mention the word holiday. The audience will make their own assumptions.

I'd start off talking about the cramped room, no view, terrible food etc (typical holiday stuff) and slowly build to the punchline by adding prison type stuff (I wouldn't even mention the word "prison" in the dialogue), subtly at first but then getting bigger and bigger.

Just keep adding stuff. The reactions should be more and more incredulous.

If you end it with something like "soap in the showers" or "cavity search" or something, the audience will get the joke.

That's my take on it anyway.

That also could work, I think I was looking for character more than surprise in this skit.

As that's what i don't usually do, i can see how it would come over as a bit clunky.

Hmm I think if I get the time I'll redo it as 2 versions

1 Surprise reveal he was in prison

2 Character comedy that mild old Jon is actally a loon in denial, who killed some one.

Quote: sootyj @ July 29 2008, 2:56 PM BST

Hmm I think if I get the time I'll redo it as 2 versions

1 Surprise reveal he was in prison

2 Character comedy that mild old Jon is actally a loon in denial, who killed some one.

View original

1. Unfortunately from the moment someone says "It wasn't a holiday" you have given away that it's something else, and immediately afterwards he's sharing a room with hard geezers - so either ditch the "surprise" element of the reveal (and make us wallow in the knowledge that he was really in jail - in a way, your option 2) or cut back the giveaways until the end.

I'd take out all references to holidays completely, before dropping more overt prison references at the end (without using the word prison).

The gag (in my opinion) is that the audience think one thing and it turns out to be t'other.

That's certainly one way to go. It was fairly obvious fairly early on that he had been to prison, the humour from this I felt could have been drawn from the reaction of the individuals watching the slide show and following Jons commentary.