Hey all, here's the first few scenes from a sitcom I'm writing. It is set in the offices of a free, daily evening newspaper.
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'COLUMNS'
S1. INT. MEN'S TOILETS - DAY 09.00
LUKE (EARLY 20s)SITS LOCKED IN A CUBICLE. WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, HE NERVOUSLY DRIES HIS SWEATY PALMS ON HIS THIGHS.
LUKE
Breath in, breathe out. Breath in, breathe out. Come on Luke, you got yourself into this, now you have to ride it out. In. Out. In. Out.
ROXANNE (O.O.V)
And shake it all about etcetera etcetera. Come on fella, if you're going to do that sort of thing before work please cut the commentary.
LUKE
I'm sorry, it's my first day, and I'm well and truly buggered.
ROXANNE (O.O.V)
Yeah sounds like it. Need a tissue?
LUKE
(Groans)
I just wish a big hole would open up and swallow me.
ROXANNE (O.O.V.)
Just flush, all your worries will float away into the big sea of 'who gives a shit'. First days are always nerve wracking, but we're all very normal up here. Come on out or you'll get a reputation.
LUKE EXITS THE CUBICLE AND COMES FACE TO FACE WITH ROXANNE, A RATHER RUGGED LOOKING DRAG QUEEN.
LUKE
What the f...?
ROXANNE
Excuse me?
LUKE
I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting that. I mean...I thought you people use the ladies?
ROXANNE IS CLEARLY OFFENDED BY THIS REMARK, BUT COMPOSES HERSELF, CHOOSING TO IGNORE IT.
ROXANNE
Well I wasn't expecting you to be so, plain. I would've used the girl's room but Brenda's stunk it out. She's just turned veggie.
(Roxanne scans Luke up and down)
ROXANNE (Cont'd)
Why are all you techno-geeky writers so pale? Do you guys ever see daylight?
LUKE
How do you know who I am?
ROXANNE
You're the only new person starting up here today sugar. We're a close family, not in an Austrian kind of way but we all know what's going on, plus it's my business to know.
LUKE
Isn't that a bit... strange?
ROXANNE POSES, BLINDING LUKE WITH AN INDIGNANT LOOK OF 'DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM'?
LUKE (CONT'D)
Oh you're Roxanne! Of course!
ROXANNE
Gossip columnist and socialite! Got it in one sugar. You read my column then?
LUKE
No, I usually skip straight to the TV guide.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. ROXANNE NOTICES THAT LUKE IS STILL LOOKING NERVOUS.
ROXANNE
Thanks, I'll remember that. So... what kind of mess have you got yourself in?
LUKE
I don't know if I should say, you'll probably use it against me.
ROXANNE
(OFFENDED)
Honey! My tits might not be real, but my heart is. Actually you're right. I will store it away in my little black book in case you piss me off, which is highly likely.
LUKE
(HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Well I kind of wasn't truly portraying an accurate version of my CV when I had my interview. I never expected to get this job. I had to take something as the jobcentre were going to stop my benefits.
ROXANNE
You should've done what I did and said you were pregnant. They never question you if you tell them the father is an asylum seeker. An extra 200 fags a week that worked out to.
LUKE
I hated going in, my advisor Jan made me feel sick. She had awful B.O. and I've never seen a woman eat so much.
ROXANNE
Comfort eating having to deal with you lay about rejects no doubt. Well don't worry pup. We've all been out of our depths sometimes. I bitch about celebrities and get paid for it but it's not what I went to college for, I trained to be a TEFL teacher but no-one I taught understood English.
CUT TO:
S2. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY FLASHBACK
ROXANNE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BLACKBOARD. ON THE BOARD ARE WORDS WRITTEN SIDE BY SIDE "THERE/THEIR/THEY'RE", "HERD/HEARD", "WHICH/WITCH" AND AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST IN LARGER SIZED FONT, "POLISH/POLISH"
ROXANNE
Once more, por favor. Polish is what you put on your hardwood floors; Polish are the ones who clean them.
CUT TO:
S3. INT. OFFICE - DAY
LUKE FOLLOWS ROXANNE AS THEY ENTER THE OPEN PLAN MAIN OFFICE. IT IS MODERN AND BRIGHT. VARIOUS WORKERS CONTINUE TO WALK THROUGH TO THEIR DESKS. CHARLOTTE, THE OFFICE'S ADMIN GIRL, RUNS UP TO ROXANNE. DESPITE BEING THE START OF THE DAY, SHE IS EXTREMELY BUBBLY AND CHEEFUL.
CHARLOTTE
Caprice is waiting for you in reception Rox.
ROXANNE
Has she got my fags?
CHARLOTTE
I don't know I didn't ask.
ROXANNE
Find out. If she hasn't then tell her she's heading for trouble.
CHARLOTTE
And if she has?
ROXANNE
Then I want my fags.
AS CHARLOTTE HURRIES OFF, ROXANNE DETECTS AN UNPLEASANT AROMA. SHE WALKS TO HER DESK WITH LUKE FOLLOWING BEHIND.
LUKE
I can't believe you're making caprice wait. That's crazy.
ROXANNE
Yeah she's been kissing my ass since we were at a charity event last week, I caught her snorting lines in the loo with Prince...
ROXANNE SNEEZES
LUKE
The singer?
ROXANNE
No, Philip. They're putty in my hands when they're caught off guard. Damn it who put Lillies on my desk? Did no one get my memo about my allergy? They're all monkeys here, the lot of them.
AN AFRICAN LADY WALKS PAST ROXANNE, GIVING HER A FILTHY LOOK.
ROXANNE (CONT'D)
Obviously not meaning you honey. Lillies mean sorrow or forgiveness. Sorry sorry sorry. Yup, must be from Madge.
LUKE
(tentively)
Her Majesty the Queen?
ROXANNE
No, Madonna you Twat. That's your desk. Sit.
(pointing to the completely empty desk opposite to hers)
ROXANNE THEN PICKS UP THE CARD ATTACHED TO THE FLOWERS AND READS ALOUD TO HERSELF
ROXANNE (CONT'D)
Dear Roxanne, blah blah blah, photos, blah blah, off my face etcetera etcetera, ah here we go. Please accept this small gift as a peace offering, and an assurance that nothing will be published. Yeah like that's going to happen.
ROXANNE THEN NOTICES A BOX ON THE FLOOR. SHE OPENS IT AND PULLS OUT A SMALL CHILD.
ROXANNE (CONT'D)
Crap, not another one!
AS LUKE SETTLES HIMSELF ONTO THE CHAIR AT HIS NEW DESK JAMES, THE PAPER'S EDITOR, WALKS IN AND IS EXCITED TO SEE LUKE. ROXANNE HIDES THE BABY BACK IN THE BOX.
JAMES
Luke! Welcome! It's so exciting to have you here. I can't wait to see more of your brilliant work! Now I know you've only just started but I need you to get comfortable and get to work straight away. We've had to bring your column forward to tomorrow's run, so use this morning to think of something exciting to write about.
LUKE
What about a computer?
JAMES
Well with your experience I was thinking of something a bit more unusual and hi-tech. everyone has a PC these days.
LUKE
I mean a computer to work on. There's nothing here.
JAMES
Haven't you got your own?
LUKE
At home yeah but I didn't know I had to bring one in.
JAMES
Right. This could be a problem. I'll get one for you straight away. Charlotte!
JAMES LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES CHARLOTTE'S NOT THERE.
JAMES (CONT'D)
That girl's always late! I'll get her to sort you out as soon as she gets in. If you need anything just give me a shout. It's so refreshing to have someone with talent with us now.
JAMES THEN GLANCES AT THE DESK, AND TURNS TO ROXANNE.
JAMES (CONT'D)
Find out what happened to the PC that was here.
AS JAMES WALKS OFF TO HIS OFFICE, ROXANNE'S BABY STARTS TO CRY.
ROXANNE
I sold it. Shit how do you shut these things up?
ROXANNE KICKS THE BOX UNDERNEATH THE DESK AND THE BABY STOPS CRYING. AS SHE DOES CHRIS, THE LESBIAN SPORTS EDITOR, ENTERS WITH HER YOUNG SON DAVID.
ROXANNE (CONT'D)
What's this about?
(Pointing to David)
CHRIS
Good morning to you too. Quite a nightmare actually. David's school has a training day and Susan's off ill at home so I've had to bring him in. Plus he and Susan aren't really getting on at the moment.
DAVID
Mummy Susan smells like fish fingers
ROXANNE
Why doesn't that surprise me? Do you want another one Chris?
CHRIS
Fish finger?
ROXANNE
No a kid. I've got one going spare.
CHRIS
No, this one's enough as it is. He's going through the phase where it seems he enjoys embarrassing us just to piss us off.
LUKE STANDS UP AND APPROACHES CHRIS TO SHAKE HER HAND AND INTRODUCE HIMSELF.
LUKE
Hi I'm Luke.
CHRIS
No thanks.
(Chris does not accept his handshake and blanks him)
CHRIS (Cont'd)
Right David lets find you something to keep you occupied for a few hours.
ROXANNE
There's a pile of razor blades in my desk that need sorting.
CHRIS AND DAVID WALK OFF, AS THEY DO DAVID LOOKS AT ROXANNE AND SPEAKS JUST LOUD ENOUGH FOR ROXANNE TO HEAR
DAVID
That man looks like nana.
ROXANNE
That kid needs a smack. Actually if I had a lesbian mum and dad I'd probably want to embarrass her too. It's quite satisfying putting a dyke in her place.
LUKE
Is she always like that?
ROXANNE
A dyke? Yeah, it's not a choice! You can't just switch it on and off you know!
LUKE
She completely blanked me. Did I piss her off?
ROXANNE
Permanent P.M.T Honey. You'll get used to it.
CHARLOTTE ENTERS AND APPROACHES LUKE AT HIS DESK
CHARLOTTE
Excuse me, James said you need a PC. What happened to the one that was here?
ROXANNE
Excuse me! What happened to my fags?
CHARLOTTE
In a second, James asked me....
ROXANNE
Fags!
CHARLOTTE
Sorry Rox!
CHARLOTTE HURRIES OFF TO GET HER FAGS.
LUKE
Why did you sell the pc?
ROXANNE
Well no one was putting in for the funeral flowers, so the money had to come from somewhere. Certainly not from my pocket.
LUKE
Whose funeral?
ROXANNE
The guy whose job you're taking.
LUKE
The guy who sat here died?
ROXANNE
Yup. He got electrocuted.
LUKE
Really? From a gadget he was reviewing or something?
ROXANNE
No, Tube suicide.
CUT TO:
S4. INT- JEAN'S LIVING ROOM -DAY
IN A SMALL LIVING ROOM, WE SEE JEAN, LUKE'S ELDERLY, YET SPRIGHTLY GRANDMOTHER. SHE IS TWITCHING AT THE NET CURTAINS. CONCERNED AT WHAT SHE SEES, SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS LUKE AT WORK. THE DOORBELL CONTINUES TO BE PRESSED AS SHE SPEAKS TO HIM.
JEAN
Luke? Is that you? (Pause) there's a man at the door. (pause). I don't know I haven't opened it yet. (pause). But he might be one of them peep-hole-philes.(pause). Could you come home? I'm so scared, he's got something in a bag. (pause)please? (pause)Thank you! See you soon!
JEAN HANGS UP THE PHONE, OPENS ONE OF THE SMALL WINDOWS AND REACHES OUT TO TALK THROUGH THE NETS.
JEAN (CONT'D)
There's no one here at the moment, can you come back later please? If you're a kitty-fiddler there's no cats here either. Don't forget to close the gate thanks!
S5. INT JAME'S OFFICE -DAY
JAMES IS SAT AT HIS DESK. SPREAD ACROSS IT ARE VARIOUS PICTURES OF HIMSELF WITH CELEBRITIES. THE OFFICE IS DECORATED AS IF CELEBRATING ST PATRICK'S DAY. IN ONE CORNER THERE IS A LARGE CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF A PINT OF GUINNESS. LUKE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
JAMES
Come in. Hey Luke did you get the PC?
LUKE
Sorry, I've got a small problem, can I have a quick word?
JAMES
Has Charlotte dribbled on it?
LUKE
No nothing to do with that, she hasn't found me one yet. My gran's just rung me, she needs me back home, apparently someone's harassing her at the door.
JAMES
Ok but be quick, not a good start I must admit, but it's better than sitting at the desk twiddling your thumbs. It'll give you time to think of something to base your column on. How about one of those rape alarms! I also heard about a DIY pepper spray kit you can buy, you can put whatever you want in it! Maybe she could use one of those?
LUKE
No she'll just fill it with pot-pouri.
JAMES
Well be quick and if Charlotte hasn't got you the PC by the time you're back, let me know.
LUKE
I don't mean to be nosey but what are the decorations for?
JAMES
I've got a phone interview with Bono this afternoon.
LUKE
Isn't it a bit excessive?
JAMES
(Offended)
You obviously know nothing about Bono.
LUKE EXITS
CUT TO:
S6. INT. JEAN'S LIVING ROOM -DAY
JEAN IS SAT ON A PILE OF WASHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ROLLS A STICKY HAIR REMOVER OVER HER ARMS, THEN OVER HER THIGHS AND THEN LOOKS DOWN AND IS ABOUT TO RUB IT BETWEEN HER LEGS WHEN LUKE WALKS IN, MAKING HER JUMP. SHE ATTEMPTS TO THROW THE ROLLER OVER HER SHOULDER BUT IT GETS STUCK IN HER HAIR.
LUKE
What is this about?
JEAN
The washing machine stopped halfway through, I'm squashing the water out.
LUKE
Straight into the carpet?
JEAN
I was going to do it in the bath but the basket broke.
LUKE
What happened to the man?
JEAN
What man?
LUKE
The man, you know, the man?
JEAN
The man?
LUKE
Yes the man.
JEAN
The man with the face?
LUKE
No the man with the bag.
JEAN
The man with the bag?
LUKE
Yes, the man at the door with the bag.
JEAN
Oh yes the man! (Beat) I really have no idea what you're on about. Why are you home early?
............