Barton Clink

PRESS CONFERENCE. KEVIN KEEGAN AND JOEY BARTON ARE TAKING QUESTIONS.

KEEGAN
So, y'know, obviously Joey's had his problems. But, y'know, he's a great player and he's told me, hand on heart, the violence is a thing of the past. I'm giving him one more chance. And I'd love it, I'd just love it, if you could forgive him too.

BARTON
(SCOUSE ACCENT) Yer, well, y'know, obviously, I'm grateful to the gaffer for sticking by me. I've learnt me lesson. I'm not going to fly off the handle any more.

KEEGAN
So, er, any questions?

FEMALE REPORTER #1
(OFF-STAGE, BELFAST ACCENT) Joey, are you glad to be out?

BARTON
Out? What do you mean 'out'? I'm norra poof. Don't you call me a poof. I'll f**king have you! Come on!

BARTON STANDS UP. KEEGAN RESTRAINS HIM.

KEEGAN
No, no, Joey. She wasn't, she wasn't, settle down.

BARTON SITS DOWN.

KEEGAN
I'm sure Joey's glad it's all over. Yes, Chloe?

FEMALE REPORTER #2
(OFF-STAGE, LONDON ACCENT) So, Joey, are you pleased your prison days are behind you? It must have been a painful ordeal.

BARTON
What? Behind me? Painful ordeal? Warraya saying? Are you saying I was bummed in the showers? I'll have you, girl.

BARTON STANDS UP AGAIN. KEEGAN STRUGGLES TO RESTAIN HIM AGAIN.

KEEGAN
Joey, Joey, don't. Sit down, lad. She didn't mean anything.

BARTON SITS DOWN.

KEEGAN
All right, one last question. Stacy?

FEMALE REPORTER #3
(OFF-STAGE, GEORDIE ACCENT) This one's for Kevin. Kevin, do you think Joey will go down well with all the lads in the dressing room, or will it be too hard to swallow?

BARTON
Right! That's it!

HE RUNS OFF STAGE.

SFX: Loud thwack.

KEEGAN
(PAUSE, THEN IN DESPAIR) All right, then, one more chance, Joey.

ENDS

I won't lie, I have no interest in reading football related humour as it's something I have a pathological hatred of, but for the title alone I would give you my last Gummi Bear.

Very nicely constructed and paced

amused me about a subject I usually find hugely dull.

This is well written, but as a subject it leaves me cold. Barton needs to be in considerable pain, that would make me laugh.

Crumbs, no love for the footer here then?

Thank you for your comments, chaps.

I'll think that you will find that the comedy gene and the football gene are not compatible in the same body. Which foooty team did you say you support Graham

I'm an Evertonian.

Fair point.

I thought I'd help the southerners out. I'd written most of his dialogue in scouse, and when I read it back it could very easily have been read in a geordie accent.

Patronizing bastard! For your information whilst watching the news and hearing about an ingnorant, racist, football playing little wanker, I can do so with the mute button on and still realise that he's from Liverpool

Huyton, actually.

I've got to admit, I didn't get this bit:

Quote: Graham Bandage @ July 29 2008, 11:25 AM BST

FEMALE REPORTER #1
(OFF-STAGE, LONDON ACCENT) So, Joey, are you pleased your prison days are behind you?

BARTON
What? Behind me? Warraya saying? Are you calling me a poof? Are you saying I was bummed in the showers? I'll have you, girl.

View original

The "out" gag and "going down well with the lads" worked fine, and Keegan's payoff of one more chance is very nice indeed. But I'm not sure the openiing gambit reaction makes as much sense, and as it's Barton's first reaction in the sketch we all have to believe it. I'd be tempted to come up with another, clearer one - or perhaps lead with the "out" gag. The latter is simple and you can see Barton reacting to it, whereas with the one you have he has to explain his thinking to us to make us get a connection.

Nice stuff overall though, and bollocks to the anti-footie-ists

Quote: David Bussell @ July 29 2008, 11:29 AM BST

I won't lie, I have no interest in reading football related humour as it's something I have a pathological hatred of, but for the title alone I would give you my last Gummi Bear.

View original

And yes, the title is "the aces".

Maybe I should just get somebody to read out the name "Barton Clink", apropos of nothing, on stage. It'd save an awful lot of time.

Thanks, Badge. Good call. I've made the "behind you" question a bit more specific and moved it up the order.