British Comedy Guide

Gordon Ramsay - Food Crisis (quick sketch)

Hi folks.
Just thought I'd post this very quick sketch...

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GORDON RAMSAY FOOD CRISIS SKETCH

GORDON RAMSAY ENTERS THE STUDIO KITCHEN, HOLDING A COLLANDER AND MAYBE AN EGG WHISK.

GORDON RAMSAY:
Hello. I'm Gordon Ramsay. On tonight's programme, guess what I'll be cooking for you? Yes, that's right. You guessed it. Absolutely bugger all!
And, do you know why? Well, because of the food crisis and the cost of living going up, I can't afford to buy any f**king ingredients.
Thank you, f**k off, and good night.

GORDON RAMSAY PROMPTLY LEAVES THE STUDIO KITCHEN.

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I'm no writer, but here's my opinion.

Add more Yes'. As in "Hello, I'm Gordon Ramsey. Yes. Guess what I'll be cooking for you on toinghts programme? Absolutely bugger all! Yes.

He does tend to say it alot, so it helps to believe that it's him.

Maybe change the setting for a bin at the back of his resturant, and the whisk/collander for some half eaten food from the bin.

And maybe end with "now f**k off out by wheelie bin", a nod to his "Now f**k off out my kitchen' line.

That maybe all bollocks though, like I said "I'm no writer" :)

This one was in News Revue, and the audience liked it.

Congratulations.

I never knew Newsrevue used it.

Don't they ever tell you?

Hey, Nil Putters.

I've never actually watched the F Word...
,... I just went by seeing trailers.

I thought he actualy said f**k more than anything else. ;)

They should send a weekly running order they've been a bit slack of late.

Here are some more I sent to Newsrevue:

Did they use any of these?

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TONY BLAIR - MISTAKEN IDENTITY
by Mikey J (Mike Jackson)

EXT. BUS STOP. DAY.

TONY BLAIR IS WAITING AT A BUS STOP. A WOMAN WALKS OVER TO HIM.

WOMAN:
Excuse me. Is this the bus stop where I can catch the Number 6 into town?

TONY BLAIR LOOKS NERVOUS, AS IF NOT REALLY WANTING TO BE RECOGNIZED.

TONY BLAIR:
Yes. Yes, I do believe it is, although I don't really go on buses much.

WOMAN:
Ah, okay. (THEN RECOGNIZING HIM) Wait a minute. Aren't you Tony Blair?

TONY BLAIR:
Who?

WOMAN:
Tony Blair. You used to be the Prime Minister.

TONY BLAIR:
Oh, him. No, no. Of course not. I'm just an ordinary person, waiting at a bus stop.

WOMAN:
Oh. Well, you look like him.

TONY BLAIR:
Yes, well, let's leave it at that, shall we?

FX: A MOBILE PHONE RINGS.

TONY BLAIR ANSWERS HIS PHONE. THE WOMAN IS EAVESDROPPING ON THE CONVO. TONY BLAIR IS UNAWARE OF THIS.

TONY BLAIR:
(INTO PHONE) Hello?

VOICEOVER OF CHERIE BLAIR CAN BE HEARD.

CHERIE BLAIR: (V.O.)
Hiya Tony. It's Cherie, your wife. Just to let you know that Gordon Brown has invited us over for dinner tonight at Number 10. He said we can eat as much as we like, as long as we don't waste any of the food. Bye!

TONY BLAIR PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY.

WOMAN:
(GRINNING) See? I knew you were Tony Blair.

TONY BLAIR:
(CAGEY) No, I'm not. What makes you think that?

WOMAN:
Well, your wife called you Tony.

TONY BLAIR:
Lots of people are called Tony.

WOMAN:
And she was Cherie.

TONY BLAIR:
So what? It's just a coincidence.

WOMAN:
And you're having dinner tonight with Gordon Brown.

TONY BLAIR:
Yes, so?

WOMAN:
A man who doesn't want anyone to waste any food?

TONY BLAIR:
Yes, that's right, he doesn't like food waste, especially in the current climate. What's that got to do with anything?

WOMAN:
Is he Scottish by any chance?

TONY BLAIR:
Yes, I do believe he is, but why hold that against him?

WOMAN:
And living at Number 10?

TONY BLAIR:
Yes. Number 10... er… High Street, Swindon. Yes, that's it.

WOMAN:
Oh, Tony. Why don't you just admit you're Tony Blair.

TONY BLAIR:
Because I'm not Tony Blair. I'm just an ordinary man, living an ordinary life, waiting at a bus stop.

THE TWO OF THEM STAND IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THE WOMAN THEN LOOKS AT HIM, AND SPEAKS IN A SOFTER, MORE CARING VOICE.

WOMAN:
I just thought I'd say this. I think you were right to go into Iraq.

TONY BLAIR LOOKS RATHER PLEASED.

TONY BLAIR:
Oh, thank you. That means a lot to me. Like I've said before, I was only doing what I thought was right at the time.

WOMAN:
Ha! Gotcha! I knew you were Tony Blair!

THE WOMAN PUNCHES TONY BLAIR IN THE STOMACH. TONY BLAIR IS BREATHLESS AND CLEARLY IN PAIN.

WOMAN:
That's for sending troops like my husband into an illegal war!

TONY BLAIR ATTEMPTS TO STAND UP STRAIGHT. THE WOMAN THEN KNEES HIM IN THE GROIN. TONY BLAIR FALLS TO THE FLOOR, DOUBLED UP IN PAIN.

WOMAN:
And THAT is for giving us bloody Gordon Brown as your successor! Arsehole!

THE WOMAN STARTS TO HAPPILY WALK AWAY.

WOMAN:
Actually, I don't want a bus now. I think I'll walk.

END.

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And this is one I sent to them last week....

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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
5 WAYS TO FIND OUT IF YOU'VE DROWNED
by Mikey J (M. Jackson)

INT. STAGE. NIGHT.

A SUITED MAN COMES ON STAGE, LOOKING RATHER OFFICIAL AND IMPORTANT, HOLDING A CLIPBOARD.

MAN:
Good evening. I apologise wholeheartedly for disturbing your enjoyment of this show, but I have a public service announcement to make.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Many of you will soon be going on holiday.
A good number of you will be venturing into the sea to have a swim.
Beware. There are dangers. You could drown.
The trouble is, most people don't realise that they've drowned.
They continue their daily lives, not knowing they've snuffed it, which does pose a number of problems.
For example, you can no longer take out life insurance.
You can no longer drive a car.
And you will soon start to smell and turn a funny colour of blue.
Not very nice for living people.
Therefore, here are five ways to find out if you've drowned.
(READS FROM CLIPBOARD)
Number One: You'll be very wet.
Number Two: You'll probably be either fully submerged in water or face down on the surface.
Number Three: Your lungs will be filled with water.
Number Four: You'll probably be mentioned in a few days time in the Births And Deaths section of your local newspaper…
… under Deaths.
And Number Five: Friends and relatives will be telling the Press how lovely you were, even though you were really a complete f**king wanker.
Thank you and goodnight.

MAN WALKS OFF STAGE. END.

:)

"They should send a weekly running order they've been a bit slack of late."

Never got the runnng order. :(

Quote: Mikey J @ July 27 2008, 8:40 PM BST

Hey, Nil Putters.

I've never actually watched the F Word...
,... I just went by seeing trailers.

I thought he actualy said f**k more than anything else. ;)

Yeah he swears like a f**king trooper. :) But he says 'yes' just as much imo. Always after he explains something. Yes.<
Maybe you should watch an episode for research. ;)

Email them.

Hmm not such a fan of those 2, albeit the second one has a killer punch line, just need to get there faster.

Also they both don't feel like typical NR/TS stuff.

Tony's oldish news, and the other one isn't really fixed on a specific story.

If you could make the second one about John Darwin, could be in with a better chance.

Being a massive fan of Gordon Ramsay, He does use 'f**k' a lot. But he does say 'yes' after almost every instruction he gives! Expresses with his hands alot while talking as well!
Not a bad sketch though..
:)

Quote: sootyj @ July 27 2008, 9:14 PM BST

Email them.

Hmm not such a fan of those 2, albeit the second one has a killer punch line, just need to get there faster.

Also they both don't feel like typical NR/TS stuff.

Tony's oldish news, and the other one isn't really fixed on a specific story.

If you could make the second one about John Darwin, could be in with a better chance.

Yeah, I guess the Tony one is a bit dated now.

And, yeah, the second one could do with a bit of a prune.

If you could make the second one about John Darwin, could be in with a better chance.

Yeah, good idea.

Such as "What John Darwin should have made sure of when he "drowned" in his canoe.

Hmm... if I can get the right angle, it could end up being a good gag.

Quote: Chickenoriental @ July 27 2008, 9:19 PM BST

Being a massive fan of Gordon Ramsay, He does use 'f**k' a lot. But he does say 'yes' after almost every instruction he gives! Expresses with his hands alot while talking as well!
Not a bad sketch though..
:)

I guess the performer who played G.R. in N.R. made sure he gesticulated a lot with his hands.
Laughing out loud

And yeah, I'd better rewrite it with a load of "yes" occurrences.

Before I posted it here, I took out a lot of "f**ks" because I thought it was a bit crap to add so many of them. :$

Maybe he's being cross examined in court, and they want to know how he was sure he'd drowned?

Damn I'd like to write that skit?

Go on then.

You can write it as you've already got the intial idea. :D

When writing that "5 ways" sketch, I couldn't help myself imagining John Cleese doing it in his Python stylee.

It's work in another setting.

But for stage shows think topical knob gags.

"topical knob gags"

OK, I'll keep that it mind. :)

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