British Comedy Guide

My sitcom - re-written and improved

Hey again everyone. I've took on the advice and comments and here is my new version of the first half of the episode. Also updated is the second half if u wanna look at that too.

SCENE 1

1 INT. SPENCER AND ALEX‘S APARTMENT
SPENCER IS ALONE IN THE APARTMENT WEARING SHORTS WITH A
FOOD STAINED T-SHIRT, HE IS SLOUCHING ON THE COUCH WITH A
BEER LAUGHING AT SOMETHING HE IS WATCHING ON TV. THE
PROGRAM HE IS WATCHING HAS JUST FINISHED. FOCUS GOES BACK
TO THE TV.

TV ANNOUNCER
And switch over to channel 2 if you would like to see
Thieves in the Desert.

SPENCER
That sounds pretty good.

SPENCER SEE’S THE REMOTE CONTROL ON THE FLOOR. HE’S SO
LAZY HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO GET OFF THE COUCH TO PICK IT
UP. HE STRETCHES OUT HIS FOOT, HE’S GETTING CONTACT WITH
THE CONTROL BY THE TIPS OF HIS TOES BUT JUST CAN’T QUITE
REEL IT IN.

ALEX ENTERS THE APARTMENT SMARTLY DRESSED IN HIS WORK
SUIT. SPENCER TURNS TO HIM AS HE’S STILL TRYING TO PICK
UP THE REMOTE CONTROL WITH HIS FEET. ALEX LOOKS TOWARD
SPENCER LIKE HE’S AN IDIOT.

SPENCER
(r.e. the remote control) Alex a little help here.

ALEX
You need more than a little help Spencer.

SPENCER
I certainly don’t need any help sinking these beers.

SPENCER PICKS UP ANOTHER BEER, WHICH ARE ON THE COUCH
WITH HIM. HE OPENS THE CAN AND IT SPURTS OUT ALL OVER HIS
FACE, ON HIS CLOTHES AND THE COUCH.

SPENCER
That’s what I was going for. I needed some fluid on me, I
haven’t showered today.

ALEX
I don’t think you’ve showered all year. And I’ve gotta
sit on that couch.

SPENCER
The couch is mine. Go to your chair.

ALEX WALKS OVER TO HIS CHAIR. HE NOTICES THERE IS TOMATO
PUREE ALL OVER THE SEAT CUSHION.

ALEX
(annoyed) What the hell have you been doing? Their’s
tomato puree all over my chair.

SPENCER
I was trying to make a pizza.

ALEX SHAKES HIS HEAD AT SPENCER. HE PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER,
AND WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, HE PLACES THE PAPER DOWN ON
THE SEAT AS IT IS SOAKED IN BEER. THEN HE SITS NEXT TO
SPENCER. ALEX LOOKS INFURIATED.

SPENCER
So, how was work?

ALEX
Surprisingly really good. (Sarcastic) How was your job
today?

SPENCER
Very funny.

ALEX
You’ve been sitting on your arse for three years now man.

SPENCER
I wouldn’t have been if I didn’t get fired from that
secretary job. It was pure sexism.

ALEX
Even I think a guy as a secretary is just plain wrong.

SPENCER
But I was wearing a skirt!

ALEX
That doesn‘t make it right. (Starts to raise his voice)
And I’m sick of seeing you in shorts.

SPENCER
Hey, these are my best pair! (changing the subject)
Enough about me. What was so surprisingly good about work
today?

ALEX
I got some good news, some great news actually. I’m the
new manager of the department.

SPENCER
(surprised) You! Did they think that one through?

ALEX
Even better, I got you a job.

SPENCER
I’m too old to be a paper boy. Which idiot gave you that
kind of power?

ALEX
By the power invested in me, do you take up the offer?
Spencer takes a big swig of his beer.

SPENCER
Well I’ll have to consider my options.

ALEX
Right, on one hand you’ve got work for me. On the other
continue signing on the dole and begging on street
corners.

SPENCER
(defensively) I did that one time! I’ll take the job.
What will I be doing?

ALEX
You’d be my assistant.

SPENCER
What! Me working as your slave?

ALEX
Come on, it’ll be great. And we’d get to spend more time
together. If that’s possible.

SPENCER
I don’t know. I’ll talk it over with my girlfriend.

ALEX
Your girlfriend? You’ve been on one date!

SPENCER
Yeah but the date went well. We went all the way.

SPENCER DOES A LITTLE CELEBRATORY DANCE FROM HIS SEAT.

ALEX
You came home with nothing more than a takeaway that
night.

SPENCER
Well, we’re taking it slow.

ALEX
Look, you start tomorrow. Be on your game.

SPENCER
Alright. What’s the pay?

ALEX
A lot more than your worth.

SPENCER
I’ll do it. Pencil me in for 11.30.

ALEX
It’s 9 am. Sharp.

SCENE 2

2 INT. SUMMER AND LUCY’S APARTMENT

LUCY IS SITTING IN THE MAIN ROOM, SHE IS WEARING A MINI
SKIRT WITH A VERY LOW CUT TOP, WHICH IS THE OUTFIT SHE
WORE FOR HER AUDITION THAT SHE HAS RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
FROM. SUMMER WALKS IN FROM HER ROOM ELEGANTLY DRESSED
HOLDING ONE OF HER PAINTINGS.

SUMMER SHOWS HER PAINTING TO LUCY.

SUMMER
I think this is my best yet. What do you think?

LUCY
That’s really impressive, you should try and get some of
your paintings into the museum.

SUMMER
(downbeat) Not a chance. My boss is a bit of a
pretentious snob. What happened at your audition?

LUCY
I didn’t get the part. They said I played it too sexy!
(full of attitude) I’m a sexy girl how can I not play it
sexy?

SUMMER LOOKS CLOSELY AT LUCY’S ATTIRE.

SUMMER
Were you auditioning to play a prostitute?

LUCY
No. The role was for a girl next door type.

SUMMER
Next door to the playboy mansion type more like.

LUCY
Girls next door can be dirty. I have a DVD to prove it.

SUMMER
So classy Luce.

LUCY
Are you working today?

SUMMER
Yeah, I’m on evening shift. I still really enjoy it, it’s
my scene. I just wish I played a bigger part in it.

LUCY
At least you like it. My career in catalogue modelling is
going on a lot longer than I expected.

BOTH THE GIRLS MOBILE PHONES BEEP. SUMMER GETS HER PHONE
OUT OF HER POCKET AND READS THE MESSAGE.

SUMMER
It’s from Alex. “Hey, I got promoted. I’m now the
manager! and Spencer is gonna be my assistant. So their’s
my first mistake out of the way“.

LUCY’S READING HER MESSAGE.

LUCY
I got the same.

SUMMER
That’s quite a surprise actually.

LUCY
The guys on his way to the top. Then again maybe not.
Hiring Spencer! That can’t be good for business.

SUMMER
Spencer’s our friend. We should be happy for him, he
won’t let Alex down.

LUCY
He’s your friend! He’s a bit much at times for me. I
don’t know, maybe it’s his big ego that I find annoying.

SUMMER
His big ego! This coming from the girl who last week told
me she’s without a doubt the best actress on the planet.

LUCY
That was confidence. We’re nothing alike.

SUMMER
(wryly) I could see you two getting together.

LUCY
(offended) No way! I’m gonna meet an actor on a movie
set.

SUMMER
You’re gonna have to get a part in something first.

LUCY
As soon as I get my first break, I’ll catapult to
stardom. It’s my destiny.

SUMMER
Sometimes destiny’s have a habit of not materialising.

LUCY
That’s failure. I know what I can do.

SUMMER
I’m just saying. They are more things in life than work
too. I mean, when was the last time you went on a date?

LUCY
A while ago admittedly. but I have high standards Summer.

SUMMER
More like impossible standards.

LUCY
What about you? I don’t recall hearing your bed rock for
a while. Well except for that time I had sex in it.

SUMMER
(startled) What! You had sex in my bed?

LUCY
(casually) Stop being so uptight.

SUMMER
(annoyed) I can’t believe you sometimes. I’m gonna need a
big drink to get over this. I’m thinking a night on the
town tomorrow.

LUCY
Count me in. Pending my being cast for a Hollywood
blockbuster.

SUMMER
Your in then?

LUCY
I’d say it’s 50-50.

SCENE 3

3 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE GUYS’ APARTMENT

ALEX AND SPENCER ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR WORK. ALEX HASN’T
GOT HIS DRIVING LICENCE YET SO HE IS BEING DRIVEN TO WORK
BY HIS ASSISTANT. SPENCER IS NOW WEARING A SUIT TOO.
PRESUMABLY HE’S BORROWED ONE OFF HIS BROTHER ALEX.
SPENCER IS IN THE CAR, ALEX IS HOVERING JUST OUTSIDE THE
PASSENGER SIDE DOOR. HE SEEMS A LITTLE UNEASY.

SPENCER
(r.e. his car) Right get in.

ALEX GETS IN THE CAR.

4 EXT. INSIDE CAR

SPENCER PUTS HIS SHADES ON. HE IS TRYING TO APPEAR SUPER
COOL.

SPENCER
(oozing confidence) It’s all about looking good.

ALEX
You didn’t think that yesterday. And I’m not paying the
dry cleaning bill for your t-shirt.

SPENCER
Just relax man. Your on edge here.

ALEX
(embarrassed) I’ve gotta pass my test. I didn’t realize
how degrading this would be. Getting driven to work by my
assistant.

SPENCER
(smug) While you were busy getting your degree. I was out
there in the real world getting my licence.

ALEX
You better not let me down today Spence. I’m really
putting my faith in you here.

SPENCER
Relax man will ya? Your manager of a department, not the
damn prime minister.

SCENE 4

5 EXT. ALEX’S OFFICE

ONE HOUR LATER AT WORK.

SPENCER WALKS INTO ALEX’S OFFICE.

SPENCER
You called, I came. What’s up?

ALEX
(trying to come across all professional) Spencer I need
you to set up some business meetings. I’ve outlined the
key details and everything you need to do today in this
file.

ALEX HANDS SPENCER A FILE.

SPENCER
How to please your girl in three easy steps.

ALEX
(embarrassed) Oh, wrong file. This one.

THEY SWAP FILES.

SPENCER
Start on step one Alex. Get a girl.

SPENCER LAUGHS. HE ENJOYED GETTING A DIG IN AT ALEX.
ALEX

Well Spence, here’s one for you, how to get a job in
three easy years.

SPENCER LOOKS SURPRISED AND IMPRESSED BY ALEX’S COMEBACK
AND QUICKLY OPENS UP HIS FILE AND LOOKS INTO IT.

SPENCER
All this is a days work?

ALEX
It’s just phone calls and taking appointments. You’ll
breeze through it.

SPENCER
Alright then.(pushing his luck) When do I get my own
office?

ALEX
After years of hard work.

SPENCER
So that’ll be never then?

ALEX
Most likely.

SPENCER
If you can’t get me one, we’ll just share yours.

ALEX
Get out Spencer, before I fire you.

SPENCER
Right I’m off, I’ve got work to do. Where’s the vendor?

ALEX
Down the hall to the right.

SPENCER LEAVES ALEX’S OFFICE.

SCENE 5

6 EXT. WORKPLACE

SPENCER’S WALKING THROUGH THE OFFICE WITH A BIG FILE. HE
APPROACHES ONE OF HIS NEW CO WORKERS, BRIAN.

BRIAN
Hey, has he got you doing appointments?

SPENCER DECIDES TO WIND BRIAN UP.

SPENCER
Nah, Alex just told me to go and get myself a few
sandwiches and relax for a couple of hours till dinner.

BRIAN
(annoyed) What! And then what?

SPENCER
An early finish. Someone’s gotta put the work in, but it
doesn’t have to be me.

BRIAN
I’m gonna go and see Alex.

SPENCER
Yeah sure. He’s not busy or anything. I’m pretty sure he
would have finished his miniature golf by now.

7 EXT. ALEX’S OFFICE

BRIAN ENTERS ALEX’S OFFICE.

BRIAN
(angry) Hey I know Spencer is your brother. But you’ve
practically given him the day off.

ALEX
What! What are you talking about?

BRIAN
(still angry) I’m talking about sandwiches, followed by
dinner, then an early finish. You call that setting him a
days work?

ALEX
That’s not what he’s doing for the day. He’s just winding
you up. You oaf.

BRIAN
(softly) Oh, so he’s one of those guys?

ALEX
(bemused) What? Look I know you wanted to be the manager,
but I got the call. Get back to work, I’m busy. What do
you think I just play miniature golf all day?

BRIAN
That’s pretty much what Spencer said.

ALEX
Well, he worked out how to play you pretty quickly.

BRIAN
Right. I’ll see you later then, (tentatively) boss.
ALEX IS NOW ALONE IN HIS OFFICE. HE SMILES TO HIMSELF AS
HE LIKE BEING CALLED BOSS.

ALEX
Boss. I’m loving this.

ALEX LOOKS AROUND HIS DESK, HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.

ALEX
(to himself) I think I’ll call Spencer in.

ALEX RINGS SPENCER.

8 ANGLE: SPENCER

INTERCUT: BETWEEN ALEX IN HIS OFFICE AND SPENCER IN THE
WORKPLACE

SPENCER ANSWERS HIS MOBILE.

SPENCER
Hello, Spencer here.

ALEX
Hey Spence, it’s Alex. I want to see you in my office.

SPENCER
Right bro, I’ll be there in a sec.

ALEX
It’s boss. Spencer.

SPENCER
Not from me it isn’t.

SPENCER CLICKS OFF HIS PHONE - HE WALKS INTO ALEX’S
OFFICE.

SPENCER
Is this about what I said to that guy who works here?
ALEX

Actually no. I was thinking, I worked hard to get to be
the manager.

SPENCER IS EXPECTING ALEX TO GIVE HIM A SPEECH ABOUT HOW
HARD WORK CAN PAY OFF.

SPENCER
And I suppose your wanting me to follow the example set
by big bro?

ALEX
No, I don’t actually. Now I’m the manager, I call the
shots. I mean, I could have my lackeys do all my work for
me if I like.

SPENCER
(inflamed) Hey, I’m not one of your lackeys.

ALEX
Not you. Work should be fun. We’ll do the essentials, but
lets make things easy. Instead of finishing at 5 today.
You and I will leave at 2 and go to a business meeting.

SPENCER
(not impressed) That still sounds pretty dull Alex.

ALEX
(enthused) That’s where we saying we’re going. We’ll just
go for a drink somewhere or watch a movie, maybe take in
a show?

SPENCER
(excited) The only thing better than a great mind, is two
great minds working on the same wavelength.

ALEX
Damn Right. Back to work. I’ll see you back here in a few
hours.

SPENCER
Right boss.

ALEX
I thought you weren’t gonna call me boss?

SPENCER
(impressed by Alex) After this, I’ll call you whatever
you damn well wanna be called.

THREE HOURS LATER.

9 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE WORK BUILDING

ALEX AND SPENCER EXIT THE BUILDING.

ALEX
That was comfortable getaway.

SPENCER
Brian seemed pleased you put him in charge.

ALEX
Yeah, what an idiot. What do you wanna do?

SPENCER
Lets drink.

ALEX
What a surprise. Right let’s go to Taylor’s.

really enjoyed it.
better then the first one mate.

Thanks a lot mozzie.

Quote: Calvin Williams @ July 23 2008, 6:00 PM BST

SPENCER
I certainly don't need any help sinking these beers.
Spencer picks up another beer which are on the couch with
him. He opens the can and it spurts out all over his
face, on his clothes and the couch.

SPENCER
Yeah but the date went well. We went all the way.
Spencer does a little celebratory dance from his seat.

ALEX
(embarrassed) Oh, wrong file. This one.
They swap files.

You nearly got them all!

Trouble is, the first one's right near the beginning - could stop someone reading further.

Undeniably snappier, though
Can't help feeling something more needs to happen.
But bear this in mind, if someone (eg me) tells you something, and you think they're talking shit - they usually are!
In the end it's about you being happy with it.

Yes, getting better.

Why dont you use upper case - or italics even, to make the directions stand out more? Or, if I may be so bold - bold?

Thanks lazzard and morrace. Yeah i think i will put the directions in bold. I'll do that tonight if i get time.

Quote: Calvin Williams @ July 24 2008, 3:35 PM BST

Thanks lazzard and morrace. Yeah i think i will put the directions in bold. I'll do that tonight if i get time.

In ‘WORD' (assuming you have it) - First highlight your lower case directions as if you're going to copy & paste them – then go to ‘format' – small square display appears with various choices – choose ‘UPPERCASE' – click ‘OK' – Done!

Unfortunately, 'WORD' hasn't got an option to click on - 'MAKE IT FUNNY'

Only joking! - couldn't resist it! :D :D Wave

Quote: Morrace @ July 24 2008, 4:54 PM BST

Only joking! - couldn't resist it! :D :D Wave

Pity.

Yes, when posting just do a quick grammar check before posting, it helps... Especially if you're a writer...

Hey all. I've put the directions in caps.

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