First bit of my sitcom...

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Welcome to Critique - you must be brave if recent feedback for other scripts has encouraged you to post!

I've got to be honest and say I think it needs a lot of work, and you probably shouldn't be waiting in eager anticipation for that letter from the Beeb.

Overall IMO there are far too many words in it so far. Sometimes - and in sitcom, usually - less is more. Your opening scene description is very lengthy and repetitive - e.g. you say the car is being driven very fast in the first line and then that it's being driven at speed in the second line. I think you need to go through it all again and pare it down to the bare essentials. This goes for dialogue as well as stage directions. E.g. this early exchange:

WAYNE:
(SLIGHTLY SARACASTIC) No, it's Keith Chegwin's. Of course it's my car. This is my taxi. I run my own taxi service.

POLICEMAN:
Yes, I can see that you look like the owner of a taxi firm. The shifty eyes give it away. Can I see your licence please, Sir?

could be a lot punchier and sound a lot less like exposition. I'm not going to try and rewrite it for you (others below will do that???!??) but in general this type of exchange doesn't sound right. People don't always talk in complete sentences for a start (so the Policeman might just say "Shifty eyes." in the middle)

There's quite a lot of exposition throughout the dialogue, which you should try to eliminate. Towards the end, Queenie and Wayne separately tell us what's happening in the story. There are smarter ways of doing this - "show, don't tell" wherever possible. And certainly don't tell twice.

I think the Wayne Cars/Wayne King thing is quite a lame old joke and the idea of this 40-something divorced cabbie being blissfully unaware of it is quite implausible - though you might just get away with it if it was played fairly camp and knockabout.

The characters verge on stereotypes so far, but it may be there is something in them that will come out when the dialogue is tightened up.

To end on a positive or two. You get into the story reasonably quickly. I feel the flashback idea helped you with this - not bad to try to hook the viewer in with the dead passengers opening. And there are some amusing lines in there, but the padding isn't giving them room to breathe.

Keep at it, and good luck.

Hiya,
Yes, I can see the exposition error there with Wayne's intro to the policeman.

Maybe I should have done it like this:

WAYNE:
Of course it's my car. Can't you see I'm a taxi driver?

POLICEMAN:
Yes Sir. Shifty eyes give it away.

Thanks for your critique. Much appreciated.

Thing is, if I take out some of the dialogue, then it won't time as a half hour show.

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 1:01 AM BST

Thing is, if I take out some of the dialogue, then it won't time as a half hour show.

View original

Just add some more, really really funny stuff. Simple!

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 1:01 AM BST

Thing is, if I take out some of the dialogue, then it won't time as a half hour show.

View original

That's like making a cake mix with dog food so it fills up your tin!

You need to rip out all the stuff that doesn't work and add in some that does.

and the wanker thing is poor......even in something like meet the parents its a bit of a groan and this isn't that!

Thanks for posting this up Mikey. First up, your formatting is good. It's easy to read and laid-out well so that's good.

The major problem you have here though is believable dialogue. It feels stilted and "acted". For instance;

WAYNE:
(SARCASTIC) Ah, Suicide. Glad you could make it.

SUICIDE:
Oh, don't, Wayne. Already, I've had a terrible day.

This might seem like a strange bit to pick up on but it's kind of typical of the rest of the script. People don't really talk like that. You really need to make your dialogue more organic-sounding. A good thing to try is to record yourself reading the script and listen back for clunky bits.

Also, your set up lines are too obvious. As soon as we read

WAYNE:
I don't know. One thing's for sure, he's not coming in the office. The last thing I want is some corpse staring at me all day.

We immediately know the following gag is about to come:

QUEENIE:
Why not? I had to endure that when we were married.

You really need to avoid obvious gags like that.

Other points - Popeye is too much like Uncle Albert from Only Fools.
Also, the whole taxi firm thing - it's been done before with one of the most best-loved comedies ever, and potential producers will always be nervous of being compared to a classic.

Plus points -

1) I love the idea of a character called Suicide.
2) It feels very BBC1 and safe. And safe is bloody hard to write well.

Keep at it mate. And remember the golden rule - write what YOU think is funny.

Thanks for the input.

Just to reply on a couple of points:

"Popeye is too much like Uncle Albert from Only Fools."

Yeah, I suppose, coming to think of it, but I used to be a taxi driver and Popeye is based (not that loosely) on a real person. He WAS actually like that. Bit senile and all that jazz.

Also, the dead bloke in taxi thing DID actually happen.
(though not quite as blown up as I made it)

"Also, the whole taxi firm thing - it's been done before with one of the most best-loved comedies ever"

I've never heard of another taxi firm comedy before.
What was it?

And yesah, there ARE some gags in there that may be a bit obvious, but, even in shows like Green Green Grass, you sometimes know what's coming.

And, My Family.... UUGGGHHHHH Why does that keep getting commissioned? Totally obvious gags. (if you can call them gags)

Trouble is, it's quite depressing I suppose for writers when you see rubbish like My Family and Lab Rats getting on TV and our stuff gets the elbow.
It's a bit like being a fantastic guitarist that keeps getting rejected and then seeing talentless boy bands on MTV.

BBC and safe... yeah, I suppose it is.

"That's like making a cake mix with dog food so it fills up your tin!
You need to rip out all the stuff that doesn't work and add in some that does."

ok, will do.

"and the wanker thing is poor......even in something like meet the parents its a bit of a groan and this isn't that!"

I've thankfully never seen Meet The Parents.
Steve Martin makes me groan.

Thanks for the input.

"Just add some more, really really funny stuff. Simple!"

Back to the drawing board.

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

Thanks for the input.

Just to reply on a couple of points:

"Popeye is too much like Uncle Albert from Only Fools."

Yeah, I suppose, coming to think of it, but I used to be a taxi driver and Popeye is based (not that loosely) on a real person. He WAS actually like that. Bit senile and all that jazz.

Also, the dead bloke in taxi thing DID actually happen.
(though not quite as blown up as I made it)

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But you can't start your show with a disclaimer!

If my dad acted just like Basil Fawlty I'd still struggle to get a sitcom made with a chacter like that.

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

I've never heard of another taxi firm comedy before.
What was it?

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That's a joke right?

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

I've thankfully never seen Meet The Parents.
Steve Martin makes me groan.

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Is that also a joke? If not then why are you thankfull...it's a modern comedy classic.

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

And, My Family.... UUGGGHHHHH Why does that keep getting commissioned? Totally obvious gags. (if you can call them gags)

Trouble is, it's quite depressing I suppose for writers when you see rubbish like My Family and Lab Rats getting on TV and our stuff gets the elbow.
It's a bit like being a fantastic guitarist that keeps getting rejected and then seeing talentless boy bands on MTV.

View original

Or an air guitarist maybe.

Isn't it more likely that Pete was refering to 'Taxi', the american classic from the late '70's? Not forgetting the not so classic, 'Roger, Roger' from, erm, more recently.

well perry said:

"Also, the whole taxi firm thing - it's been done before with one of the most best-loved comedies ever,"

So i hope he wasn't refering to some old rubbish with sid james!

Quote: Pete @ July 24 2008, 2:28 PM BST

well perry said:

"Also, the whole taxi firm thing - it's been done before with one of the most best-loved comedies ever,"

So i hope he wasn't refering to some old rubbish with sid james!

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I would hope not. That's the kind of cobblers you'd get from Aaron, no doubt.

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

And, My Family.... UUGGGHHHHH Why does that keep getting commissioned? Totally obvious gags. (if you can call them gags)

View original

Well yes they're obvious, but so were many in yours.

And I'd advise NEVER to include this in any script. Ever. EVER:

----------------------------
AMBULANCE MAN:
Hello, folks. I'm looking for a dead guy.

WAYNE:
(GRINNING) Well, there are plenty at the morgue. Have you tried there? Whatever turns you on, eh?
----------------------------

The line 'whatever turns you on' should be banned from spec scripts.

Quote: Marc P @ July 24 2008, 1:57 PM BST

Or an air guitarist maybe.

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Ha!

Quote: Seefacts @ July 24 2008, 2:39 PM BST

The line 'whatever turns you on' should be banned from spec scripts.

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We should make a list of these:

Whatsername

You know

You remember when...

This is like the time...

Back on topic....your ambulance man says "Is this some kind of joke?" "This has got to be a wind-up." "Are you trying it on?" All within 2 lines......maybe cut this down......you could use "are you having a laugh" instead (unless some adds it to the list above )

Quote: Mikey J @ July 24 2008, 12:34 PM BST

Thanks for the input.

I've never heard of another taxi firm comedy before.
What was it?

View original

'Roger, Roger' (1996) Sitcom about a mini-cab firm called Cresta Cabs. (Written by John Sullivan of Only fools and Horses)

'Orrible' (2001) Sitcom about a minicab driver. Starring and written by Johnny Vaughan with son of Comedian Dave Allen (Ed Allen).