First scenes of the social

FADE IN: BLACK SCREEN
TITLE APPEARS ON SCREEN

"Ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it, so that means that every single day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life"
Peter Gibbons
Office Space

1.EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL GATES 1954. – DAY. IN BLACK & WHITE PAUL IS SEEN IN SCHOOL UNIFORM INCLUDING SHORT TROUSERS RUNNING OUT OF THE GATES, THROWING HIS VALEDICTORIAN HAT IN THE AIR. FREEZE FRAME.TITLE SHOWS "CIVIL SERVICE 1954".

(V.O.) ANNOUNCER
(in plummy British accent) Just passed your final exams young man?

PAUL NODS AT CAMERA

(V.O.)Looking for a challenging and exciting career?

PAUL NODS AT CAMERA

(V.O.)Then why don't you join, The Civil Service! The Civil Service currently needs people like you to join the department of work and pensions to get Britain working again!

CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY. PAUL IS SITTING AT A DESK DRESSED SMARTLY IN A SUIT WITH SHIRT AND TIE.

(V.O.) Of course not just any old Tom, Dick or Harry can be a civil servant. You'll need to be Profficient in mathematics

WE SEE PAUL WORKING WITH AN ABACUS ON HIS DESK

(V.O.) Be highly skilled in written english

WE SEE PAUL TYPING ON A TYPEWRITER

(V.O.)and have good communication skills to help Britain's jobless back into work

WE SEE AN UNEMPLOYED MAN SITTING ACROSS FROM PAUL. PAUL HANDS THE MAN A PAMPHLET TITLED "LIFE'S BETTER DOWN PIT". PAUL HANDS THE MAN A SHOVEL AND MINER'S HEAD LAMP AND THE MAN STANDS UP AND SHAKES PAUL'S HAND.

(V.O.) another man off the dole queue and back to work,hurrah! Most of all as a civil servant you'll be expected to conform to the highest standards of decency and decorum.

WE SEE TWO YOUNG MEN TRYING TO STEAL A PURSE FROM AN OLD LADY. THEN WE SEE PAUL CLIP ONE OF THE TYKES ROUND THE EAR WITH HIS BOWLER HAT, AND GRABBING THE OTHER WITH HIS UMBRELLA, THEN ESCORTING THE TWO OF THEM TO A POLICE TARDIS.

(V.O.) A job in the Department of work and pensions is a thoroughly decent career for thoroughly decent middle class people, people like you!

WE SEE PAUL IN THE OFFICE AGAIN. HE SMILES AND RAISES HIS THUMB.

(V.O.) The civil service, working hard today, for a better tomorrow!

2.INT. OFFICE.PRESENT – DAY. PAUL IS SEEN SITTING WITH HIS FEET ON HIS DESK PLAYING PAC-MAN. HE IS UNSHAVEN IN JEANS AND A T-SHIRT THAT READS "SIR HUMPHREY WAS AN ASSHOLE". HE DRINKS FROM A CAN OF JUICE. THEN BURPS LOUDLY. FREEZE FRAME. TITLE SHOWS "CIVIL SERVICE 2008". HE THROWS HIS EMPTY CAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BIN BUT MISSES AND HITS THE WALL. LOUISE APPROACHES HIS DESK.

LOUISE
Hi Paul

PAUL IGNORES HER, CONTINUES TO PLAY PAC-MAN ON HIS PC

Paul!

PAUL
Can't talk, high score

LOUISE
Yeah anyway, did you get that email from Avril last week?

PAUL
I don't read work related emails

LOUISE
Why not?

PAUL
Because they're f**king boring, because I don't care, because…

LOUISE
anyway this email it was about the agreed office wide policy on eating at desks

PAUL
Come on Mr. Pacman

LOUISE
remember we had a workshop a while ago?

PAUL
That doesn't sound interesting enough to remember

LOUISE
Well I was the chair and we reached a voluntary group agreement

PAUL
A what?

LOUISE
A voluntary group agreement, passed on the basis of a two thirds majority

PAUL
Yuh huh. Level 6!

PAUL CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES AND ROTATES HIS HEAD

Let's do this!

LOUISE
That although it was deemed acceptable to eat at your desk there are certain limits

PAUL
And those are?

LOUISE
Any food with an overpowering odour deemed distracting to other people kebabs, chips etc. there was an appendix attached to the email

PAUL
And?

LOUISE
And it has been noted that you are in violation of the office wide policy, and the email was disseminated a week ago so you have had fair warning

PAUL
In violation, how?

LOUISE
Onions

PAUL
Onions? F**k you onions are allowed

LOUISE
How do you know if you never read the email? The cut off point would be spring onions or possibly salad onions, not a garlic onion

PAUL
What's a f**kin' garlic onion?

LOUISE
It's the kind of onion you've been eating in your sandwiches,quite overpowering, so I have to ask that from now onwards..

PAUL
New high score

LOUISE
Are you listening me?

PAUL
I am the king of Pac Man!

LOUISE REACHES BELOW THE DESK AND EMERGES HOLDING A PLUG IN HER HAND
LOUISE

Listening now?
PAUL

What did you just do?

LOUISE
You will pay attention whilst I rebuke you

PAUL
What did you do to Pacman?

LOUISE
About the onion issue we have

PAUL
I had the all time building Pacman high score, do you now how important that is?

LOUISE
So are hygiene standards in the workplace Paul

PAUL
I will kill you!

LOUISE
I will report you to your line manager if you make physical threats against my person

PAUL
Oh will you, will you really?

HE DISAPPEARS BELOW HIS DESK. HE REAPPEARS HOLDING A LOUDSPEAKER

PAUL
why don't you just shut up and die, god dammit it, just go into a corner and stop breathing.

LOUISE
I will be speaking to John about this, and don't make this about me, your colleagues have spoken

PAUL
No they didn't, you decided and they went along with it because they're spineless lemmings. Bullied by people like you, people who have destroyed any respect anyone ever had for our profession

LOUISE
I think you'll find

PAUL
In every jobcentre, in every passport office, in every inland revenue call centre anally retentive, pedantic,petty, mean spirited, statistic obsessed little f**kin' nazi's

LOUISE
(laughs)You know what you to do if you don't like my atittude

PAUL
And what is that?

LOUISE
You can punish me

PAUL
How?

SHE BENDS OVER HIS DESK AND LIFTS HER SKIRT UP, SHE GENTLY SLAPS HER ASS

LOUISE
Spank me

PAUL GENTLY SLAPS HER ASS

LOUISE
Do it like a man not a civil servant goddammit!

PAUL SLAPS HER ASS HARDER

PAUL
You like it like that? Hmm! You like it hard?

LOUISE
You need to do something else for me too baby you need to wake up Paul

PAUL
What?

3.INT. BEDROOM – DAY. PAUL IS LYING IN BED, HIS GIRLFRIEND CHRISTINE IS NEXT TO HIM GENTLY SLAPPING HIS FACE

CHRISTINE
You were talking in your sleep again

PAUL
What did I say?

CHRISTINE
The same thing you always say

PAUL
Louise

CHRISTINE
You need to let it go

PAUL
But it's the principle of the thing hon

CHRISTINE
Who gives a shit about the principle Paul, she's a bitch let it go

PAUL
She's my Moby Dick, for forever and a day I will chase that white whale whore

CHRISTINE SITS UP IN BED AND STRADDLES PAUL

CHRISTINE
For the love of god

CHRISTINE LIFTS UP HER T-SHIRT EXPOSING HER BREASTS

There will you stop talking about it now?

PAUL
Do you know what those look like?

CHRISTINE
Breasts?

PAUL
Garlic onions

CHRISTINE JUMPS OUT OF THE BED

CHRISTINE
And there we go
PAUL

Oh come back honey I was only kidding. Let me play radio

PAUL LIFTS HIS HANDS INTO THE AIR TO TWIDDLE TWO IMAGINARY NIPPLES

CHRISTINE
Twiddle your own knob I know you've had enough practice

PAUL
The familiarity's bred contempt

CHRISTINE
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe you should give that a try

PAUL
Please come back to bed

CHRISTINE
You need to go to work

PAUL
Works sucks. Please

CHRISTINE
No

PAUL
I promise if you come back I'll never talk to you about work again

CHRISTINE
ever again?

PAUL
Never again

CHRISTINE
Promise?

PAUL
Yes

CHRISTINE
You have to say promise otherwise it isn't a promise

PAUL
Promise

CHRISTINE COMES BACK TO BED AGAIN AND STRADDLES PAUL TAKING HER T SHIRT OFF
CHRISTINE

Five minutes, use them wisely

PAUL
Sweet.

Hi, not really much to go on here but, in my opinion, it was lacking in humour for the most part. There were a couple of lines that raised a smile for me but, I would like to see more.

I think the biggest problem I had was that it seemed to be the same character in 1954 and the present, clearly the Civil Service had changed but he didn't seem to have. His work attitude seemed quite 'young' and his bedroom antics similarly so. Although he would have passed the normal retirement age even ignoring the fact that he was in the Civil Service. The set up scene seemed to be at odds with the rest of the piece but, unfortunately, it was the start that set it apart from other office based comedies in my view.

Sorry if this seems negative. I did enjoy reading it and it was well formatted so that puts it above much of the work that is posted on here.

the 1950's/2008 contrast was to make the point that the civil service has become less and less porfessional as time has gone on.
perhaps i could use two different characters but i thought that might be slightly confusing

I could see why you did it. As it was the same character I was just expecting him to be near the top of the tree, not sure how he got there and even less sure that he wanted to be there, but there through default. I thought the contrast would be him still in his stripey shirt with white collar and cuffs and a smart suit, very formal, struggling to cope with his underlings lack of work ethic and perhaps his fast tracked early 30's boss who's introduced 'dress down', 'fruity friday' and a vending machine just outside Paul's office.

This I thought would set it apart from the usual but it then reverted back to being something more standard.

There's a very good sitcom in there, interestign setting, like the dream time stuff, also some nice snappy dialogue.

How ever the scenes are all a bit long, and only feature 2 characters bantering, without advancing the plot. That's always a little wearing.

In my view shorten the scenes, introduce at least one new character and make your mind up about where this epsiode is going.

n.b. the sex fantasy leading into his girlfriend slapping him is a nice touch.

Not too shabby. I liked the start quite a lot. If you just leave out the captions about it being 1954/2008 it would work better. That way it would show the contrast between Paul's/our stereotypical view of the civil service and the reality of Paul's job. Which I assume was what you were going for?

I think you need to cut down the scenes a bit to remove some of the non-plot banter and take out the swearing, it doesn't add anything.

The main jarring point for me was that he was only on level 6 of Pac-Man. It should be a much higher level.

Oh, I also like the Sir Humphrey T-shirt but I personally hate the word 'asshole'. Either spell 'arsehole' properly or change it to something like 'twat' which I think is generally a funnier word anyway and would be easier to read on someone's T-shirt.

i really want to add the lines

louise
what would you like to do me?

paul
i'd like to grease you up like a porkchop and go to town

after reading this

One night in the summer of 2001, after he'd slathered her in Vaseline ("He liked you all greased up," she says. "Like a porkchop")

from a story about James Brown
but wasn't sure if there is a plagarism issue with it?