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DIVINE PILOT - Toenail of Death
SCENE 1.INT.NIGHT
HOSPITAL WARD
(GEORGE IS LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED, HIS FOOT IS IN PLASTER. HE IS SLEEPING SOUNDLY. BESIDES HIM IN ANOTHER BED IS A VERY OLD MAN. ENTER 2 GRIM REAPERS. THEY STAND AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE WARD)
GRIM REAPER:
As you know the practical test is the final part of your reaper training.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah.
GRIM REAPER:
Do you have your theory certificate?
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER HANDS GRIM REAPER A CERTIFICATE)
GRIM REAPER:
In your own time.
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER HEADS TOWARDS THE BEDS)
GRIM REAPER:
Wait, wait! Haven't your forgotten something?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Dunno.
GRIM REAPER:
(Sighs)
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER LOOKS IN THE BLADE OF HIS SCYTHE LIKE A MIRROR, SWINGS IT OVER HIS HEAD THEN WALKS OFF)
GRIM REAPER:
(Cont)
Much better.
(THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER GOES UP TO THE TWO BEDS HE HESITATES BETWEEN THE TWO)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(To himself)
50 50 chance of being right I guess.
(Deep voice)
Awake sir!
(GEORGE CARRIES ON SLEEPING)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Cont + deep voice)
I command you to awaken!
(GEORGE CARRIES ON SLEEPING)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Cont)
Ow man, come on!
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER GIVES GEORGE A VIOLENT SHAKE)
GEORGE:
Mmm? Arrgh! Who the bloody hell are you?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Chill man
(Deep voice)
I am death!
GEORGE:
Chill man I am death? I don't think you quite thought that sentence through! Look at me I'm shaking.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Can I say my bit now?
(Deep voice)
Your time on earth is at my end! You shall follow me to the next stage!
GEORGE:
Are you promoting a band?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Deep voice)
This is the end of your mortal life!
GEORGE:
Well that's certainly an interesting marketing ploy but no amount of death threats will make me listen to death metal.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Whispers to George)
Listen, this is my reaper test. I like failed the last 2 and my parent will go schitzo if I fail this one, so can you just like chill and play along yeah?
GEORGE:
What do you mean reaper test? As in the Grim Reaper? This is a piss take!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
No really, you're like dead.
GEORGE:
Like dead?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah.
GEORGE:
So actually dead?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah.
GEORGE:
And this is actually happening?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah.
GEORGE:
But I feel fine!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Have you, you know, been ill lately?
GEORGE:
I came in for an in growing toenail!
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER SURVEYS THE PLASTER)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
What happened?
GEORGE:
The Doctor sneezed.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Maybe it was a rusty blade?
GEORGE:
A rusty blade?!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Well I don't know, I flunked the what kills humans module.
GEORGE:
I really don't feel dead!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
You really are well dead, honest.
GEORGE:
Well that's a bit of a shitter.
(THE GRIM REAPER SHIFTS FROM FOOT TO FOOT AS GEORGE CROSSES HIS ARMS GRUMPILY)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah sorry about the dying and that. So please just play along yeah? Look my instructor is over there.
GEORGE:
Do I have a choice?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
We don't allow people to delay their death by citing religious, health or personal reasons.
GEORGE:
And I thought getting out of jury duty was hard.
(GEORGE HUFFS AND GETS OUT OF BED)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Thanks.
(GEORGE AND TRAINEE GRIM REAPER WALK OVER TO GRIM REAPER. HE WRITES ON HIS CLIPBOARD)
GRIM REAPER:
Right hello Mr Johnson, do you understand that you are dead.
GEORGE:
Yes but I'm not happy about it!
GRIM REAPER:
Complaints are not in our remit.
TRAINEE GROM REAPER:
Did I pass?
GRIM REAPER:
I am happy to inform you that you achieved a conditional pass.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yes!
GRIM REAPER:
You will still require some additional mentoring though.
(GRIM REAPER'S PHONE RINGS)
GRIM REAPER:
(Cont)
Excuse me.
(Answering the phone)
Hello. Speaking. Right now? I'm rather busy. The Devil? I see. All day? I'll be there shortly. Damn.
(GRIM REAPER HANGS UP)
GRIM REAPER:
(Cont)
I've got to go and attend to urgent business. So you think you would be able to handle my afternoon appointments?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah, defo. Excellent!
GRIM REAPER:
I really don't like to leave you.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
I'll be fine.
GRIM REAPER:
Well alright. Good Day Mr Johnson.
(EXIT GRIM REAPER)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
This is wicked! Aw shit the car! Don't suppose you've got an Oyster?
GEORGE:
Are you telling me Death travels by tube?!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
He's got the car!
GEORGE:
Who?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Him, the other reaper.
GEORGE:
The other Grim Reaper? Shit this is weird. There's 2 Grim Reapers.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
There's more than 2.
GEORGE:
What!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Oh come on! There's a loads of souls to collect, it wouldn't be scientifically possible for one person to do it!
GEORGE:
Did you say scientifically?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Yeah the current God loves her science, she thinks creationalist theory is well funny.
(GEORGE LOOKS SURPRISED AT THE GRIM REAPER'S STATEMENT)
GEORGE:
So not only am I dead, now I've got to get on the tube with my leg in plaster.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
It's only a couple of stops.
GEORGE:
I can't believe there's more than one Grim Reaper.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Well there has to be, and if everyone whittered on like you there'd be dead people cluttering up the place everywhere.
GEORGE:
You could be a bit more understanding! I've just died.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Sorry. It is my first day you know.
(THERE IS A MOMENTS SILENCE, THE GRIM REAPER LOOKS UNSURE WHAT TO DO AND GEORGE LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT TO MOVE)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Cont)
Come on then. We really do need to be getting along.
(GEORGE STARTS WALKING OUT OF THE WARD WITH THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER)
GEORGE:
If I'm dead how come I've still got this bloody plaster?
(GRIM REAPER SPEAKS AS THEY ARE EXITING)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Dunno, to be honest I only just passed scythe studies.
SCENE 2.INT.DAY
BUSY TUBE TRAIN
(GEORGE IS STANDING. THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER HAS A SEAT. THE TRAIN IS PACKED WITH SUITED BUSINESS PEOPLE ALL READING THE SAME NEWSPAPER. NO ONE PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO GEORGE OR THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER. THE TRAIN STOPS AND A BUSINESS MAN VACATES THE SEAT NEXT TO THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER. GEORGE HOBBLES TOWARDS THE SEAT BUT IS PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY BY ANOTHER BUSINESS PERSON. HE FALLS ON HIS FACE IN THE AISLE WITH A THUD. NO ONE LOOKS ACCEPT THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER WHO WATCHES HIM STRUGGLE TO HIS FEET)
GEORGE:
Bloody leg in plaster and I still can't get a seat on the tube. I feel like an idiot.
(TRAINEE GRIM REAPER DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING)
GEORGE:
(Cont + shouting)
I said I feel like an idiot!
(THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER REMOVES HIS HEADPHONES)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Mmm?
GEORGE:
(Deflated)
I said I feel like an idiot.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Why?
GEORGE:
I'm dead and on the Northern Line in my pyjamas.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Could be worse. Arthur Dent had to go round the whole Universe. You're only going a couple of stops.
GEORGE:
Where are we going?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
We're doing a little detour, need to pick up a dog.
GEORGE:
Is it usual practice to collect dogs?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Not really, he was owned by a religious woman who was well minted. She cornered me last time I was in Heaven and told me she'd make it worth my while if I got him.
GEORGE:
Great, so now I'm travelling on the tube with a bent Death! Marvellous.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Sh! Keep your voice down and I'll cut you in.
GEORGE:
I don't want to be cut in, I want to sit down!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Chill man! Admiral Lord Bumbledom has friends in high places.
SCENE 3.INT.DAY
TUBE TRAIN
CONTINUOUS
(SAME AS PREVIOUS SCENE. GEORGE IS NOW SITTING NEXT TO THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER HOLDING A POODLE TYPE DOG WHO IS GROWLING)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
George meet Admiral Lord Bumbledom.
(FADE OUT AND FADE IN)
(NOW SITTING NEXT TO GEORGE IS A WOMAN COVERED IN BLOOD, SHE IS NOW HOLDING ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM. THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER AND GEORGE LEAN AWAY FROM HER)
(FADE OUT AND FADE IN)
(AN OLD WOMAN IS NOW SITTING NEXT TO THE WOMAN COVERED IN BLOOD. THE OLD WOMAN NOW HOLDS THE GROWLING ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM. THE WOMAN COVERED IN BLOOD JOINS GEORGE AND THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER IN LEANING AWAY FROM THE DOG)
(FADE OUT AND FADE IN)
(A WORKMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE HAS DIED FROM AN ELECTRIC SHOCK AS HE IS SMOKING AND SLIGHTLY CRACKLING, NOW SITS NEXT TO THE OLD LADY. THE WORKMAN NOW HOLDS ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM WHO CONTINUES TO GROWL. AS THE OTHERS LEAN AWAY FROM THE DOG SOME RESIDUE ELECTRICITY TRANSFERS FROM THE WORKMAN TO ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM CAUSING THE DOG'S FUR TO STAND ON END)
SCENE 4.INT.DAY
BUSINESS PREMISES FOYER
(ENTER GEORGE, OLD WOMAN, WOMAN COVERED IN BLOOD, WORKMAN AND TRAINEE GRIM REAPER WHO HAS LORD ADMIRAL BUMBLEDOM ON A LEAD. THE GROUP GO TOWARDS A LIFT. THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER PRESSES THE CALL BUTTON)
TRAINNE GRIM REAPER:
Are you sure you don't want to hold this?
(TRAINEE GROM REAPER OFFERS GEORGE THE DOG LEAD)
GEORGE:
Not if my death depended on it.
(LORD ADMIRAL BUMBLEDOM GROWLS AT GEORGE)
GEORGE:
(Cont)
So this is the way the afterlife. I can't help thinking this is an extremely elaborate hoax that will end up on some awful German hidden camera show.
(THE LIFT COMES AND EVERYONE GETS IN. THE GRIM REAPER PRESSES 2)
GEORGE:
(Cont)
Floor 2! The afterlife is on floor 2 of the Alexander building! This really is a hoax. The afterlife is not in Palmer and Co Solicitors offices!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
What?
GEORGE:
This plaque here by the door, it says Palmer and Co Solicitors is on floor 2. You're not taking us to the afterlife. This better not be an elaborate way to get us to apply for compensation!
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Will you calm down! Its no wonder you like, went too an early grave. I've not finished. It's a code. Any lift can get to the afterlife with the right code.
(THE GRIM REAPER PRESSES 2 2 2)
GEORGE:
Are you telling me the code to get to the afterlife is 2 2 2 2? That's the shittest thing I have ever heard.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Starting to get agitated)
Will you! Eugh! I've not finished yet.
(THE TRAINEE GRIM REAPER PRESSES THE CALL FOR HELP BUTTON)
VOICE:
Afterlife arrivals.
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
Hello, it's grim reaper 808.
VOICE:
Clearance?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
010101010101(beat) 0 (beat) 1
VOICE:
Password?
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
(Whispers)
H E L L O
GEORGE:
Oh yes, well done on the security! Why not just laminate the instructions and stick them to the inside of all lifts.
(THE DOORS START TO CLOSE. A POSH LADY WITH A SMALL DOG WALKS BY. ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM BARKS AND RUNS OUT OF THE LIFT. THE DOORS FINISH CLOSING. THE GRIM REAPER DOESN'T LET GO OF THE LEAD. THE LIFT STARTS. ADMIRAL LORD BUMBLEDOM IS SEEN BEING DRAGGED UP THE DOOR. GEORGE, WOMAN COVERED IN BLOOD, OLD WOMAN AND WORKMAN LOOK AT THE GRIM REAPER HORRIFIED)
TRAINEE GRIM REAPER:
It's ok. He's already dead.