My Sitcom Script - first half of episode

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Let me know what you think please everyone.

OUT OF THE LOOP

"PILOT"

WRITTEN BY CALVIN WILLIAMS

SCENE 1

1 INT. SPENCER AND ALEX‘S APARTMENT

Alex's enters the apartment Spencer is slouching on the
couch with a beer laughing at something he is watching at
DVD.

SPENCER
Hey Alex, how was work?

ALEX
Surprisingly really good. How was your job today?

SPENCER
Very funny

ALEX
You've been sitting on your arse for three years now man.

SPENCER

I wouldn't have been if i didn't get fired from that secretary job. To this day i still don't really know why.

ALEX
You've drank so much you can't remember why. It was sexism.

SPENCER
But i was wearing a skirt.

ALEX
Overcompensating for your lack of assets.

Spencer changes the subject.

SPENCER
Enough about me. What was so surprisingly good
about work today?

ALEX
Well I got some good news, some great news
actually. I'm the new manager of the department.

SPENCER
You! Did they think that one through?

ALEX
Even better, i got you a job.

SPENCER
I'm too old to be a paper boy. Which idiot gave you that kind of power?

ALEX
By the power invested in me, do you take up the offer?

SPENCER
Well i'll have to consider my options.

ALEX
Right, on one hand you've got work for me. On the other continue signing on the dole and begging on street corners.

SPENCER
Now don't exaggerate, i'll take it. What will i be doing?

ALEX
You'd be my assistant.

SPENCER
What! Me working as your slave?

ALEX
Come on, it'll be great. And we'd get to spend more time
together. If that's possible.

SPENCER
I don't know. I'll talk it over with my girlfriend.

ALEX
Your girlfriend? You've been on one date!

SPENCER
Yeah but the date went well. We went all the way.

ALEX
You came home with nothing more than a pizza that night.

SPENCER
Well, were taking it slow.

ALEX
Look, you start tomorrow. Be on your game.

SPENCER
Alright. What's the pay?

ALEX
A lot more than your worth?

SPENCER
I'll do it.

ALEX
You start tomorrow.

SPENCER
No problem, pencil me in for 11.30am.

ALEX
It's 9 am. Sharp.

SCENE 2

2 INT. SUMMER AND LUCY'S APARTMENT

Summer and Lucy are in the main room.
Summer shows Lucy one her of own paintings.

SUMMER
I really like this one, what do you think?

LUCY
That's really good, you should try and get them into the
museum you work at.

SUMMER
Not a chance. My boss is a bit of a pretentious snob.What happened at your
audition?

LUCY
I didn't get the part. They said I played it too sexy!
I'm a sexy girl how can I not play it sexy?

SUMMER
I'm sure something will come up soon, I'm on evening
shift today. I still really enjoy it, it's
my scene. I just wish I played a bigger part in it.

LUCY
At least you like it. My career in catalogue modelling
is going on a lot longer than I expected.

Both the girls mobile phones beep.

SUMMER
It's a message from Alex. "Hey, I got promoted. I'm now
the manager! and Spencer is gonna be my assistant. So
their is my first mistake out of the way".

Lucy is looking at her phone.

LUCY
The same.

SUMMER
That's quite a surprise actually.

LUCY
The guys on his way to the top. Then again maybe not.
Hiring Spencer! That can't be good for business.

SUMMER
Spencer's our friend. We should be happy for him, he
won't let Alex down.

LUCY
He's your friend! He's a bit
much at times for me. I don't know, maybe it's his big
ego that i find annoying.

SUMMER
His big ego! This coming from the girl who last week told
me she's without doubt the best actress on the planet.

LUCY
That was confidence. We're nothing alike.

SUMMER
I could see you two getting together.

LUCY
No way! I'm gonna meet an actor on a movie set.

SUMMER
Your gonna have to get a part in something first.

LUCY
As soon as I get my first break, I'll catapult to
stardom. It's my destiny.

SUMMER
Sometimes destiny's have a habit of not materialising.

LUCY
That's failure. I know what i can do.

SUMMER
I'm just saying.They are more
things in life than work too.I mean when was the last
time you went on a date?

LUCY
A while ago admittedly. but I have high standards Summer.

SUMMER
More like impossible standards.

LUCY
What about you? I don't recall hearing your bed rock for
a while. Well except for the time i had sex in it.

SUMMER
What! You had sex in my bed?

LUCY
Stop being so uptight.

SUMMER
I can't believe you sometimes. I'm gonna need a big drink to get over this. I'm thinking a night on the town tomorrow.

LUCY
Count me in, pending my being cast for a Hollywood
blockbuster.

SUMMER
Your in then?

LUCY
I'd say it's 50-50.

SCENE 3

3 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE GUYS' APARTMENT - The Next Day
Alex and Spencer are about to leave for work.

SPENCER
Right to the car.

4 EXT. INSIDE CAR
It's Spencer's car and he is driving his boss to work.

ALEX
I've gotta pass my test, I didn't realize how degrading
this would be. Getting driven to work by my assistant.

SPENCER
While you were busy getting your degree, I was out there
in the real world getting my licence.

ALEX
You better not let me down today Spence. I'm really
putting my faith in you here.

SPENCER
Relax man will ya? Your manager of a department, not the
damn prime minister.

5 EXT. ALEX'S OFFICE
One hour later at work.
Alex calls Spencer into his office.

ALEX
Spencer I need you to set up some business meetings. I've
outlined the key details and everything you need to do today in this file.

Alex hands Spencer a file.

SPENCER
How to please your girl in three easy steps.

ALEX
Oh, wrong file. This one.

They swap files Alex is casually trying to sweep off his embarrasment.

SPENCER
Start on step one Alex. Get a girl.

ALEX
Well Spence, Here's one for you, how to get a job in three easy years.

Spencer quickly looks through the file.

SPENCER
All this is a days work?

ALEX
It's just phone calls and taking appointments. You'll
breeze through it.

SPENCER
Alright then. When do I get my own office?

ALEX
After years of hard work.

SPENCER
So that'll be never then?

ALEX
Most likely.

SPENCER
If you can't get me one, we'll just share yours.

ALEX

Get out Spencer, before I fire you.

SPENCER
Right I'm off, I got work to do. Where's the vendor?

ALEX
Down the hall to the right.

6 EXT. WORKPLACE
Spencer walking through the office with a big file.

CO WORKER BRIAN
Hey, has he got you doing appointments?

Spencer decides to wind Brian up.

SPENCER
Nah, Alex just told me to go and get myself a few
sandwiches and relax for a couple of hours till dinner.

CO WORKER BRIAN
What! And then what?

SPENCER
An early finish. Someones gotta put the work in, but it doesn't have to be me.

CO WORKER BRIAN
I'm gonna go and see Alex.

SPENCER
Yeah sure, he's not busy or anything. I'm pretty sure he
would have finished his miniature golf by now.

7 EXT. ALEX'S OFFICE
Co worker Brian enters Alex's office.

CO WORKER BRIAN
Hey I know Spencer is your brother. But you've
practically given him the day off.

ALEX
What! What are you talking about?

CO WORKER BRIAN
I'm talking about sandwiches, followed by dinner, then an early finish. You call that setting him a days work?

ALEX
That's not what he's doing for the day. He's just winding
you up,you oaf.

CO WORKER BRIAN
Oh, so he's one of those guys?

ALEX
Um, I have no idea what your talking about. But we are
done here? Get back to work, I'm busy. What do you think
I just play miniature golf all day?

CO WORKER BRIAN
That's pretty much what Spencer said.

Alex
Well, he worked out how to play you pretty quickly.

CO WORKER
Right. I'll see you later then, boss.
Alex is now alone in his office. He is smiling to himself
as he likes being called boss.

ALEX
Boss. I'm loving this.

Alex looks around his desk then picks up the phone.

ALEX
(To himself)
I think I'll call Spencer in.

Alex rings Spencer.

8 ANGLE: SPENCER
INTERCUT: BETWEEN ALEX IN HIS OFFICE AND SPENCER IN THE
WORKPLACE

Spencer answers his mobile.

SPENCER
Hello, Spencer here.

ALEX
Hey Spence, it's Alex. I want to see you in my office.

SPENCER
Right bro, I'll be there in a sec.

ALEX
It's boss. Spencer.

SPENCER
Not from me it isn't.
Spencer clicks off his phone - he walks into Alex's
office.

SPENCER
Is this about what I said to that guy who works here?

ALEX
Actually no. I was thinking, I worked hard to get to be
the manager.

SPENCER
And I suppose your wanting me to follow the example set
by big bro?

ALEX
No I don't actually, now I'm the manager I call the shots. I
mean, I could have my lackeys do all my work for me if I
like.

SPENCER
Hey, I'm not one of your lackeys.

ALEX
Not you. Work should be fun. We'll do the essentials, but lets make things easy. Instead of finishing at 5 today. You and i will leave at 2 and go to a business meeting.

SPENCER
That still sounds pretty dull Alex.

ALEX
That's where we saying we're going. We'll just go for a
drink somewhere or watch a movie, maybe take in a show?

SPENCER
The only thing better than a great mind, is two great
minds working on the same wavelength.

ALEX
Dama right. Back to work. I'll see you back here in a few hours.

SPENCER
Right boss.

ALEX
I thought you weren't gonna call me boss?

SPENCER
After this, I'll call you whatever you damn well wanna be
called.

Three hours later.

9 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE WORK BUILDING
Alex and Spencer leaving the building.

ALEX
That was comfortable getaway.

SPENCER
Brian seemed pleased you put him in charge.

ALEX
Yeah, what an idiot. What do you wanna do?

SPENCER
Lets drink.

ALEX
What a surprise. Right let's go to Taylor's.

You still haven't changed the format. I tried to read some of this but it just made my eyes hurt. Also I don't know what is dialogue and what is scene action. Have a look at the Writers Room on the bbc website for an idea of layout.

hey. I've just changed it now.

That's easier to read. I've read this first half. Or most of it anyway. How honest a critique do you want? You're not going to get arsey or anything are you? Also how long have you been writing for?

This isn't funny. It also goes no where. It is just 4 people talking about nothing that interesting or amusing. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's true. Also the dialogue is too long. It needs too be punchier. At the moment it seems to meander. Do a re write, add some jokes and but a story in.

It's pretty lifeless in my view, I'd suggest if you haven't to invest some time in some hard core sitcom watching.

You need the following.

1 Funny dialogue, including a certain amount of plain old gags (e.g. set up punchline).

2 Strong characters, with interesting, relationships and a fair bit of conflict.

3 A plot that advances to a point, and has a number of different points that clash together.

Have to agree with the last two posts. It just meanders along.

Don't explain the characters at the start, we'll find out what they're like from the script. You need to flesh out a proper story in stages 1-5. This is the start, then that happens, then this. Plus, have some conflict: Maybe the guy is going for the same job as the girl, for example.

I think you need to have a look at some scripts in books because although it's great you're putting your work on the page, it needs to read like real dialogue. It's very wooden at the moment.

SPENCER
Don‘t forget that secretary job I had last year. I was
there for six weeks, to this day I still don‘t know why I
got fired.

ALEX
You got fired because you didn't wear a skirt.

This is an example of VERY clunky 'character'. Why would he mention the secretary job and say 'I don't know why I got fired'. Surely they'd have discussed this already? Using past stories can be done to great effect, but not crow-barred like this.

Same with this:

LUCY
That's really good, you should try and get them into the
museum you work at.

Why would she say ' - you work at - '. I think she'd know where she works. It stands out as 'this is for the audience'.

Seefacts - do I have to wag my finger at you every week. Nobody posts in Critique to ask for this kind of response. If you think you can help show how he can do it better - critique it properly. I.e. this line doesn't work, this is why it doesn't work, this is an idea of how it would work better.

It can only help your own work you know.

Quote: Marc P @ July 21 2008, 12:01 AM BST

Seefacts - do I have to wag my finger at you every week. Nobody posts in Critique to ask for this kind of response. If you think you can help show how he can do it better - critique it properly. I.e. this line doesn't work, this is why it doesn't work, this is an idea of how it would work better.

It can only help your own work you know.

View original

But I merely pointed out something that wasn't right.

I'm not going to think up alternatives, otherwise I'd be writing it for him.

It was supposed to give food for thought - i.e 'If that's wrong, how can I SHOW things rather than TELL them'.

But if Marc, you thought my hand should be slapped then fair enough.

If we are not prepared to highlight the negative aspects of a sketch/sitcom then what is the point of critique?

Nothing wrong with Seefacts post whatsoever, and is exactly the sort of response that I would be looking for with some of the dross that I feel brave enough to post.

Quote: Seefacts @ July 20 2008, 10:05 PM BST

SPENCER
Don‘t forget that secretary job I had last year. I was
there for six weeks, to this day I still don‘t know why I
got fired.

ALEX
You got fired because you didn't wear a skirt.

This is an example of VERY clunky 'character'. Why would he mention the secretary job and say 'I don't know why I got fired'. Surely they'd have discussed this already? Using past stories can be done to great effect, but not crow-barred like this.

Same with this:

LUCY
That's really good, you should try and get them into the
museum you work at.

Seems like that fair, specific criticism I welcome.

And unlike many others neither snide, nor personal.

Good stuff keep it up.

Why would she say ' - you work at - '. I think she'd know where she works. It stands out as 'this is for the audience'.

View original

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 21 2008, 4:58 PM BST

If we are not prepared to highlight the negative aspects of a sketch/sitcom then what is the point of critique?

Nothing wrong with Seefacts post whatsoever, and is exactly the sort of response that I would be looking for with some of the dross that I feel brave enough to post.

View original

Don't write dross then.

You make it sound so easy

Quote: Seefacts @ July 21 2008, 4:52 PM BST

But I merely pointed out something that wasn't right.

I'm not going to think up alternatives, otherwise I'd be writing it for him.

It was supposed to give food for thought - i.e 'If that's wrong, how can I SHOW things rather than TELL them'.

But if Marc, you thought my hand should be slapped then fair enough.

View original

No, not at all. I jut like wagging my finger at you every now and again seefacts.

I'll give you a clue what I mean,which isn't rewriting for someone, just giving editorial guidance. So I will pick John Sullivan as the benifitee of my wisdom.

I was watching the pilot episode of Green Green Grass at the week-end and there was a couple of lines re the old baronial hall of a room full of stuffed animals, deer heads mounted on the wall etc etc.

Marlene says it looks like a bad day on Noah's ark. Very funny. They Boysie says something along the lines of 'If we don't invite Carla Lane around for dinner we'll be alright.'

[Carla Lane being a well known animal rights activist - at least I think it was her in the line]

Anyway the funny bit about that sentence is the Carla Lane bit - so the line should have been written

MARLENE:
It's like abad day on Noah's Ark in here.

BOYSIE:
(LOOKING AROUND) We'll be alright... as long as we don't invite Carla Lane round for dinner.

That way we finish the line on the gag and give the audience the opportunity to laugh.

So it's not re-writing - just taking what is there and seeing how it can be made to work better.

I bet JS wishes he had my phone number!

Quote: Marc P @ July 21 2008, 5:21 PM BST

No, not at all. I jut like wagging my finger at you every now and again seefacts.

I'll give you a clue what I mean,which isn't rewriting for someone, just giving editorial guidance. So I will pick John Sullivan as the benifitee of my wisdom.

I was watching the pilot episode of Green Green Grass at the week-end and there was a couple of lines re the old baronial hall of a room full of stuffed animals, deer heads mounted on the wall etc etc.

Marlene says it looks like a bad day on Noah's ark. Very funny. They Boysie says something along the lines of 'If we don't invite Carla Lane around for dinner we'll be alright.'

[Carla Lane being a well known animal rights activist - at least I think it was her in the line]

Anyway the funny bit about that sentence is the Carla Lane bit - so the line should have been written

MARLENE:
It's like abad day on Noah's Ark in here.

BOYSIE:
(LOOKING AROUND) We'll be alright... as long as we don't invite Carla Lane round for dinner.

That way we finish the line on the gag and give the audience the opportunity to laugh.

So it's not re-writing - just taking what is there and seeing how it can be made to work better.

I bet JS wishes he had my phone number!

View original

No, he doesn't - he only likes people related to him to write for his shows.