999 call.

MAN ON PHONE, WHISPERING AND PANICKED.

VO

Hello police please state the nature of the crime you are the victim of?

MAN

Thank God I'm being burgled, I'm

VO

By pressing 1 if you are being murdered, 2 if you are being raped, 3 if you are being burgled, 4, if you....

BEEP

You've pressed 3 you are being burgled. Is that right press 1 for yes.

VO

You've pressed 1.

MAN

Thank God, can you send a car please now.

VO

How many burglars? Press 1 for 1 burglar, 2 for 2...

BEEP

You've pressed 1.

Is he a large, burglar, probably with a knife? Press 1, is he a little burglar, desperately looking for money for drugs? Press 2

BEEP

You've pressed 2.

Have you got a blunt object to hand? Press 1 for yes, press 2 for no, Press 3 if you've got a licensed shotgun, press 4 if you have a kinfe.

MAN

Look this is your job, I'm not a violent.

VO

You have not pressed a button, and are likely whining like a little bitch. Press 1 if you are a homosexual, press 2 if you are a Liberal Democrat, press 3 if you're going to do your patriotic duty.

VO

You've pressed 3. Sneak up on your burglar, and strike him at the base of the skull. When he hits the floor, roll him over and whilst he is stunned, stamp down hard on the centre of his rib csge once.

This should take 5 minutes, here's some mood music.

GRAMS

The Girl from Ipanema

FX

The sound of a thud, a beg for mercy, a sickening crunch,

MAN

Oh God what have I done, I killed him. He only wanted my DVD it's not even region 1. I'm a killer, you made me into a monster.

VO

Don't worry about the mess, you will receive a voucher for the rental of a vax, and a bottle of Stain Devil Burgler remains by second class post. Please deposit your burglar outside the door in the orange human remains sack.

MAN

Oh God what have I become..

VO

Placing your burglar in the green food waste bin, may lead to a fine of upto £500. Thanks for calling 999, these calls are sometimes monitored for quality purposes

A bit nasty, but I liked the idea of 999 calls being handled by machine. That is so horribly likely to happen.

PS they alwas first ask Fire, Police or Abulance so it would start

"Press 1 for Police, 2 for Fire or 3 for Ambulance"

I thought that, but I felt it slowed it up, do you think it's a bit confusing with it?

Slightly topical joke on gouvernment encouraging us to fight burglars, and poor police repsonse times.

Hey i think this is terrific. Although there is a glaring continuity error in that you press 1 for murder and 3 for burglary.

Whatevs. Esay enough to fix and then a dead easy one to produce too.

I make more mistakes than George Dubya and a speak and spell!

Thanks will correct.

I like this - bit wordy in places but it is an excellent example of your work. I think you haven't updated the continuity errors yet, as I can still see one in there (at present). Would have liked a response where he presses one button but the computer insists he pressed another (maybe a "how did we handle your call" question - he presses the negative response and the computer thanks him for saying they did a good job ... perhaps?)

Is the edit an improvement?

It's an interesting idea SlagA, but I think it might slow it down a tad.

Thanks

Needs works, sharpened, but it's a terrific idea and already funny in places.

Like others I enjoyed this one Joel, however does it not sound familiar to anyone? Not the whole killing the burglar bit, but the premise of the emergency services being handled by an automated machine, has been done before I'm sure, just cant think who done it.

It's very similar to a Simpson's skit.

But there's a finite number of good ideas in the world, so it doesn't hurt in my view to do a tribute.

The boasting Yorskire men, and Parrot sketch have been reinvented endlessly.

In this case I hope it's slight topicallity, and some newish features give it life.

More than that I hope it's got the wings to fly.

Not bad! I love the idea of leaving the burglar out in 'the orange human remains sack'. However (and this may be slightly picky) I think 'multi-region' would be funnier than 'region 1'.

True, maybe it's not even Blue Ray?

except if I had a Blueray I'd think it ok to kill to defend it.

Yes. BlueRay is even better. I keep forgetting we have new technology.

Liberal Democrat made me laugh.

Quote: sootyj @ July 21 2008, 10:37 AM BST

It's very similar to a Simpson's skit.

But there's a finite number of good ideas in the world, so it doesn't hurt in my view to do a tribute.

View original

Yes, it's familiar (there was one on here last year involving the Samaritans) but it's a good execution with a topical slant and the potential for even more, the way you've set it up.

Quote: steve by any other name @ July 21 2008, 1:14 PM BST

Liberal Democrat made me laugh.

View original

Agreed - my favourite too. Maybe better as number 3 rather than 2? Other options might be better re-ordered too.