Quick Sketch Page 2

The only thing I would change (or rather add) would be to increase the length of the argument between the man and women to get the audience more focused on their conversation and to make the punch line less noticeable. I think this is how modern sketches are made, having a situation and being able to twist the topic at points where the audience would not expect it. I liked the reference to the chance card - "Your full of shit, and you’d do it all again if you had a chance". If you could sneak a few more of those in without the audience realising I think it would be a fantastic sketch.

Cute! I like quickies, tee hee, and this is classic surprise stuff which always works well. I would also like more nudity though and I would like Melanie C to play in it 'cause I fancy her.

Michael hit the nail on the head with what i wanted this to be. As the title said, i only wanted it to be quick. Sort of like an in-between main sketches sketch.

I have taken all the feedback and am going to do better next time, i have a few more ideas for sketches.

Hi Walker

I'm terribly tempted to say; right, being brutally frank, what's the joke here? But my good breeding forbids such a gaffe

I've read this three times and it doesn't get any funnier I'm afraid. The two events seem to have no connection at all (bed and Monopoly) I’m not sure what the joke is or what I should be laughing at.

The point of a twist is surely to introduce a tangent that takes the thing into a direction that catches the reader / viewer by surprise and that adds to the overall piece.

This “twist” seems crowbarred in and the girl may as well say:

GIRL:
That's the last time I help you catalogue your list of exotic butterflies and Latvian fruit-bats.

Also you have a few typos need sorting out.

Sorry not to be more positive but I think that this needs a bit of a rewrite

B

Hi Walker

I think Darren's hit the nail on the head with this one. You need to distract the attention of the viewer as though you're going in a different direction and then bring them back.

As said previously, a couple more ambiguous references to 'Monopoly' would help the impact of the script.

For the length of it, I think you could do with a couple more one-liners in there too.

General idea is sound but leaves you thinking 'the punchline is something that could be construed to be sex'.

Hope this helps

Dan

Quote: Blenkinsop @ May 25, 2007, 12:04 AM

Hi Walker

I'm terribly tempted to say; right, being brutally frank, what's the joke here? But my good breeding forbids such a gaffe

I've read this three times and it doesn't get any funnier I'm afraid. The two events seem to have no connection at all (bed and Monopoly) I’m not sure what the joke is or what I should be laughing at.

The point of a twist is surely to introduce a tangent that takes the thing into a direction that catches the reader / viewer by surprise and that adds to the overall piece.

This “twist” seems crowbarred in and the girl may as well say:

GIRL:
That's the last time I help you catalogue your list of exotic butterflies and Latvian fruit-bats.

Also you have a few typos need sorting out.

Sorry not to be more positive but I think that this needs a bit of a rewrite

B

View original

Well done, you have proven you are an absolute child with a shitty attitude. Grow up and maybe you'll have a meaning in life.

I'd also like to know why you chose a sketch that i myself called weak, and was the first sketch i posted here, instead of chosing my newer sketch? Was it because it was too strong to criticise and felt you had to criticise something weak in order to assert your dominance?

Quote: Walker @ May 25, 2007, 4:03 PM

Well done, you have proven you are an absolute child with a shitty attitude. Grow up and maybe you'll have a meaning in life.

I'd also like to know why you chose a sketch that i myself called weak, and was the first sketch i posted here, instead of chosing my newer sketch? Was it because it was too strong to criticise and felt you had to criticise something weak in order to assert your dominance?

View original

I'm not sure what you mean here.

I have attempted to write a critique that refers to the material that you submitted for that very purpose.

I *really* don't get the joke here. It's not just me being a prick, although I must confess that I could not resist the opportunity to quote what you said of my work back to you when I found yours to be no more enjoyable than you found mind. Childish perhaps but...what the hey?

I can't see how the conversation in the bed has any relevance to the Monopoly and how a viewer would make that connection.

I think that unlike my simplistic effort yours is maybe a bit too clever and that perhaps the secret of truly great comedy lies somewhere in between.

Curt dismissal of one's work is less than pleasant as your descent into name-calling would seem to indicate. However I beg to differ as to which of us has the shitty attitude. I did not wade into your sketch with dismissive and some might say an arrogant approach, but sought to give my view and use direct reference to your piece when making my points.

Just in case you are unaware of how your review of my work came across. It was rude and curt for no reason. If you look at the other reviewers on this forum you will see that they are both polite and constructive in their approach. I think that you prefacing your sketch with be gentle with me is cheeky in the extreme bearing in mind your own, as some might have it, "robust" style of reviewing.

The sketch I reviewed was the only one that I could find. I will now search out the other and see what I think.

So, are you denying that you went looking for a sketch of mine so you could get your own back for what i said, which was all in all true, about your sketch? Of course you did, because no one has posted here for a week and suddenly you do. That means you sort out to put me down. Therefore, you are a child.

Now sir, as you can see in this thread i have accepted criticism and i have said it didn't come across the way i wanted it to. I didn't start claiming everyone was rude and that they aren't worthy of my greatness like your arrogant self has stated about me. That sets us apart. I see no difference to what i said to you than to what anyone else has said on this board, i was in no way rude and tried to be as polite as possible, so please tell me what came across as rude and i'd likely tell you it is your own reading that planted an idea in your head that i was being aggressive.

You'll have to forgive my inability to construe what people are saying by how they say it (ie the words they use and how they form them)If you believe that your comments were polite then gawd 'elp me when you have a go.

I have had many paludits on this forum and many failures and I find them both as easy to deal with.

Your first sketch suffered, IMO, from a common fault that two different streams of thought stuck together makes for a subtle twist and a funny sketch. I have never subscribed to this view.

I have now found your second work and have given it my honest opinion.

Well then, all i can do is apologies for what you thought i meant. Then i can thank you for your honest opinion, which hurts my pride slightly. Now, if we leave it behind us and start fresh i'd much appreciate it, i can't be bothered with feuds on an internet message board.

Nuff said! Give us a kiss

Lol.

Dialogue is Ok, just change the setting. Start with a shot of them face to face. Continue with the dialoge, then instead of just saying she's not going to play Monopoly with him again, go to a widder shot, they both sit down, and She asks if he was going to pay the rent on Mayfair?

Children............go to your rooms - immediately.