‘Untimely Dismissal' – this is a sketch I just wrote for my JunkMale buddies to do. It's just a rough draft at the mo. For anybody who knows the JunkMales (apparently we have a fan in Bournemouth…) I would cast Dave ‘Gagsy' Short as the lawyer and Danny ‘JB1' Banks as the client.
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INT. OFFICE. THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL. "ECCLESIASTICAL LEGAL REPRESENTATION LTD". A BESPECTACLED BUSINESS LAWYER IS SAT BEHIND THE DESK. THE CLIENT IS INITIALLY OUT OF VIEW (UNTIL I TELL YOU!) BOTH THE LAWYER AND CLIENT ARE MALE.
CLIENT:
Like I said, I want to sue the monastery for fair dismissal.
LAWYER: (kindly)
(PAUSE) I'm afraid you just can't, you can sue for unfair dis-
BEFORE THE LAWYER CAN FINISH THE CLIENT REACHES OUT WITH BIG HAIRY ARMS AND PULLS THE LAWYER RIGHT OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND HALFWAY OVER THE DESK SHOUTING STRAIGHT INTO HIS FACE.
CLIENT:
I want to sue the f...... bastards for fair f...... dismissal - can't you f...... understand that you f...... moron?
THE CLIENT PUSHES THE LAWYER BACK INTO HIS CHAIR.
LAWYER:
Golly! (STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE) ..right, well, tell me if you will, what did you feel was (BEAT) fair about your dismiss-
AGAIN THE CLIENT GRABS THE LAWYER IN THE SAME WAY AND SHOUTS IN HIS FACE. THE LAWYERS GLASSES FALL OFF.
CLIENT:
What did I think was f...... fair about my f...... dismissal? You t..., you want me tell you what was f...... fair about it, well I'll f...... tell you, I will!
AGAIN THE CLIENT PUSHES THE LAWYER BACK INTO HIS CHAIR.
LAWYER:
Well, I.. (PICKS HIS GLASSES UP AND PUTS THEM BACK ON) I'm going to turn the bleeper on, OK? (PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE DESK) Now, er what exactly was–
THE CLIENT LUNGES FOR THE LAWYER BUT THIS TIME THE LAWYER JUMPS UP OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND AVOIDS THE CLIENTS GRASP. THERE IS A LOUD BLEEP AND A LIGHT BULB ON THE DESK THAT FLASHES EVERY TIME THE CLIENT SWEARS.
CLIENT:
(bleep) (bleep) (bleep)
THE LAMP FLASHES THREE TIMES.
LAWYER:
Now look Sister Metallica this just wont do! Control yourself! I'm trying to help you!
THE CLIENT NOW COMES INTO VIEW. A MALE DRESSED AS A HARD ROCK NUN.
CLIENT:
Control my (bleep) self! What kind of (bleep) are you? I punched the (bleep) Mother Superiors (bleep) lights out, didn't I! (GENTLER FEMALE VOICE FOLLOWS) Totally unjustified behaviour on my part I'm afraid, Mr Brewster.. (SMILES SWEETLY)
THE LAWYER SITS BACK DOWN.
LAWYER:
Punched her lights out? Dear, dear… Well, that seems fair.. er, I mean, fair dismissal. Look, I can see you would feel angry about being dismissed but…
THE CLIENT GRABS THE LAWYER AGAIN AND HAULS HIM BACK OVER THE DESK SHOUTING IN HIS FACE.
CLIENT:
I'm not (bleep) angry, you (bleep)! What do I have to (bleep) do to get you to (bleep) understand (BEAT) (bleep)!
THE CLIENT PUSHES THE LAWYER BACK IN HIS CHAIR AGAIN.
LAWYER:
(RUBS HIS HEAD) I'm sorry Sister, look ..I just can't take any more of this, I really can't..
THE LAWYER PUSHES A SECURITY BUTTON UNDER HIS DESK. NOTHING HAPPENS. HE PUSHES IT AGAIN.
CLIENT:
(GENTLER FEMALE VOICE) Ah, I see.. you won't take my case? Well, perhaps I can persuade you a different way? (SMILES SEXILY)
THE CLIENT MOVES AROUND THE DESK, PULLS UP HIS NUNS HABIT TO REVEAL VERY HAIR LEGS IN SUSPENDERS AND STOCKINGS. HE PLONKS A LEG ON THE CHAIR BETWEEN THE LAWYERS THIGHS.
CLIENT:
(MALE VOICE) Well?
THE LAWYER LOOKS VERY KEEN AND SUGGESTIVELY RUBS HIS PEN UP THE CLIENTS LEG. TWO SECURITY GUARDS BURST IN. THE CLIENT QUICKLY COVERS HIMSELF.
CLIENT:
(DISTRESSED FEMALE VOICE) Oh thank god you've come! This horrible little man has molested me! Oh, the shame… the shame!
THE SHOCKED SECURITY GUARDS GRAB THE PROTESTING LAWYER AND REMOVE HIM FROM THE ROOM. WHILE THEY ARE DOING THAT, THE CLIENT SITS DOWN IN THE LAWYERS CHAIR AND STARTS LOOKING THROUGH THE DRAWERS LIKE A THIEF, FINDS A BIG CIGAR AND LIGHTS IT UP WITH A DESK LIGHTER, AND LAUGHS.
CLIENT:
(Bleep)
THE LAMP FLASHES.
