Coal miner sketch

I think this is one the JunkMales would just lurve to do!

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INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR. COAL MINER IN PIT HELMET WALKS IN. THERE ARE A FEW WOMEN OF DIFFERENT AGES, SHAPES AND SIZES.

COAL MINER: (WELSH ACCENT)
Good afternoon ladies! I need to sink a shaft into some old slag!

THE WOMEN STARE BLANKLY.

YOUNG WOMAN:
We're closed.. funeral!

THE COAL MINER LOOKS AROUND UNTIL HIS EYES REST ON AN OLDER WOMAN WITH A GLASS OF WINE IN HER HAND.

COAL MINER: (SURPRISE)
Mom!

MOM: (SLIGHTLY INEBRIATED)
Son!

MOM:
Why are you dressed as a coal miner, son? You're an accountant ..and you're not Welsh..

COAL MINER: (SLIGHT INDIGNANCE, DROPS ACCENT)
Well listen to you.. pissed in a whore house!

MOM'S EYES WANDER OFF TO A COFFIN ON TRESSLES. THE HINGED COFFIN LID IS OPEN AND AN OLD MAN IS LAYED OUT IN IT.

COAL MINER: (LOOKS INTO COFFIN AND IS SHOCKED)
Dad!

COAL MINER: (TAKES PIT HELMET OFF, WELSH ACCENT)
Did he die yer?

MOM:
It's a long story… (LOOKS ADORINGLY) ..Son

COAL MINER:
I've got time… (LOOKS ADORINGLY) ..Mom

DAD: (SITS UP IN COFFIN)
That old bitch isn't your mam.. your mam is.. ..is ..is

DAD SINKS BACK INTO COFFIN SPLUTTERING.

MOM:
Don't listen to him he's.. ..he's ..he's

COAL MINER:
A Conservative?

MOM:
..NOT your dad..

DAD: (WELSH ACCENT)
Talked to death I was, son..

DAD PULLS COFFIN LID DOWN

MOM:
He shot my pimp, made me pregnant, raped your sister and stole all your grandmas ‘Green Shield Stamps'..

COAL MINER:
Bastard! I'll make him give them back!

DAD: (FROM INSIDE COFFIN)
That's a lie! I've got no stamps!

COAL MINER: (TRIES TO OPEN COFFIN LID)
Come out, you bastard!

A SAILOR WALKS INTO THE MASSAGE PARLOUR

MOM: (JAUNTILY)
Hello, sailor!

SAILOR: (SURPRISED)
Mom!

END

There's more somewhere, as yet, perhaps not surprisingly, unwritten down!

Not too bad sir but a tad too much going on...Got a bit confused with the corspse etc.

Not bad, but it's just a lot of surprises, which isn't neccasairly a bad thing.

I dont know where you intended this to go, but I was enjoying it until the whold dad/coffin thing started.

I think there is plenty of potential in the sketch, but a few gags that are well set up and then revealed is better than a sketch with just a lot of surprises IMO.

Thanks for your comments ... I am not sure what I am doing or where I am going with this sketch ... and all my attempts at writing at the mo to be honest ...so maybe my own confusion has come out warts and all! I am not sure why the coffin came into it ... it's trite to say this I know, but I looked around from the Coal miners POV and saw the coffin...

My JunkMales pals would be itching to rewrite this one if they ever got hold of it!!!

Yay, Frankie

I liked - it was confusing and busy but in a self-aware manner. Like those bad Crossroads-style soaps. But this was intentionaly funny. If that makes sense?

The "haven't got any stamps" line is good.

Quote: SlagA @ July 17 2008, 3:08 PM BST

The "haven't got any stamps" line is good.

View original

I agree, but it would be better without the Coal Miner spoiling it with his line in between. Maybe swap those lines around.

Not much else to add that other's haven't said. It's got good whacky in it but it's a bit all over the place and too many surprises made me lose interest a tad as it went on.

Thanks Badge...

...and hello there Mr SlagA long time no emaily!!!

Sorry I missed you at the 4laughs bash but I was working nights (on the bins..) both sessions! The bins come first, you appreciate..

I think what might be good is if only the Ghost of the corpse sat up.

You know one of those things where they film it twice & the ghost is transparent & you see through him to the real corpse still lying down.

I like it Bill.. I like a few of the suggestions I've had ... I am a great believer that the writer who writes the original script should then be prepared to let the production team and actors add in ideas for the good of the whole. I am not sure if other writers feel that way or not?