Sketch for radio.
SFX. PEOPLE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING. THEN MUTED AS A DOOR IS CLOSED.
THREE CLOWNS. CLOWN 1 IS UPBEAT AND CHEERY. CLOWN 2 IS A MOROSE COCKNEY. CLOWN 3 IS A MOROSE LANCASTRIAN.
CLOWN 1 IS LAUGHING.
CLOWN 1
Ah, that was brilliant. I was in the zone out there, I tell you. That bit where you threw that bucket, but instead of water it was shiny streamers. Ha! And then that bit where Clive's trousers fell down. Ha!
HE LAUGHS LOUD AND LONG, THEN TAILS OFF AS HE REALISES THE OTHER CLOWNS AREN'T LAUGHING.
CLOWN 1
What?
CLOWN 2
You're new, aren't you?
CLOWN 1
Yeah, just started. Isn't it great being a clown? (HE HONKS HIS HORN)
CLOWN 3
Sit down, lad. (BEAT) Look, first off, stop this laughing thing. You're letting the side down.
CLOWN 1
What do you mean? We're clowns. (BLOWS KAZOO)
CLOWN 2
Exactly. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. That's what we do.
CLOWN 1
But we've got the best job in the world. We bring joy into people's lives. We give them the greatest gift, the gift of laughter.
CLOWN 3
Tit.
CLOWN 2
Look, mate, there are two types of people in this world: people who hate clowns, and dead people.
CLOWN 1
What?
CLOWN 3
You look at any circus audience. Half of them want to kill you, a quarter of them are scared of you, and the rest are waiting for that woman contortionist to come on again.
CLOWN 2
And they're just the people who don't think circuses are shit.
CLOWN 1
But ... so, all those years at clown school, they've been for nothing?
CLOWN 3
That's right, lad, you've completely wasted your life.
CLOWN 1
But ... (DISSOLVES INTO TEARS).
CLOWN 2
That's the spirit, mate. Fancy a pint?
END.
