Crit Please?

Is this... Not Funny? Too Rambly? Hard to Follow?

INT. FOREST - DAY

COTTON
We have been out here for more than half the day. And we didnt catch the witch. How can you imagine it being any worse than that?

A moment.

SIR DAVID
There could have been bees.

Cotton opens his mouth to verbally disfigure Sir David, when...

EMMA
Cotton! Sir David!

EMMA (22), sweet-faced, wide-eyed and a bit girly, comes running up to them.

SIR DAVID
Emma!

COTTON
Good-day, Emma.

EMMA
Good-day. Sir David, do you know a fellow called Huxley?

Sir David brightens, extremely pleased.

SIR DAVID
Of course I do! He is only my superior officer and he is the reason why I got posted in Hogswallow in the first place. Upstanding man, Huxley. Brilliant fellow. He can knit a scarf the size of your small intestine in under two minutes.

EMMA
Oh good. Because he is here.

Emma points back to where she came from.

HUXLEY (older than them), with facial hair, stands leaning against a tree some ways away.

Sir David sees him and yelps, panicking.

SIR DAVID
What? Why? Really? Who is it again? What does he want? Where I am? Am I wearing pants?

EMMA
Calm down, Sir David. I am sure you are not in trouble or anything.

SIR DAVID
Oh Mike save me, what if I am in trouble?
(beat)
Look at my tunic, it is all, grey! I am covered in dirt, a disgrace! Cotton, quickly! Cut off a lock of your hair!

COTTON
What? Why do you want a lock of my hair?

SIR DAVID
I need to construct a fake beard and wear it as if it were my own, so I can slip past him unnoticed and then grab the nearest stage-coach off to Italy! It wont be much, I wiill have to change my name to Eclair Subaccio and live out my days running a little Savanan tea shop three miles outside of Rome. But it will be worth it. Give my children my love.

COTTON
You dont have any children!
(beat)
Sir David, really, there is no need to-

SIR DAVID
-No more questions! Hurry! Who has scissors? There is no time! Pull it out! Pull it out!

Sir David goes for Cottons hair, but Cotton grabs his hands and holds them away.

COTTON
Get ahold of yourself, would you? You are a decent fellow and I am sure this Sir Huxley is just as afraid of you as you of him. Now go on, go over and greet him already.

SIR DAVID
(still panicky)
You are right. I am sure you are right. Alright. I am going. Right now. I am going over to him... now. Here I go. Really this time. Right. I am going-

Cotton pushes Sir David. Sir David yelps.

Sir David approaches Huxley.

Huxley spots Sir David, approaches him.

SIR DAVID
Huxley. Sir. Sir Huxley. Hello.

HUXLEY
Sir David.
(beat)
Well. I am not afraid of you one bit.

Sir David looks devastated. He makes a little sound of distress.

______________________________________

I'm sorry but this left me completley lost, what's the joke?

Did you just jab at a dictionary with a pin?

Quote: Arie Bird @ July 17 2008, 8:28 AM BST

Is this... Not Funny? Too Rambly? Hard to Follow?
______________________________________

View original

All of the above, sorry

What bits did you not get? ^.^ So I can fix it.

The whole thing.

Basicaly a skit is a compact story, that amuses by setting a funny story, uses amusing dialogue, unusual situations, or a suprise ending.

For example man is about to trip on a banana skin avoids it, is about tto fall down a man hole, avoids it, and then a piano falls on his head.

Quote: Arie Bird @ July 17 2008, 9:31 AM BST

What bits did you not get? ^.^ So I can fix it.

View original

Err, perhaps if you can start by telling us what you thought was funny, what was it you were poking fun at, or what were you trying to achieve?

Quote: Arie Bird @ July 17 2008, 8:28 AM BST

Sir David looks devastated. He makes a little sound of distress.

View original

He's not alone!

Hey 2k if you don't like stuff fine, or you can offer improvements fine.

But sarcasm about some one else's work is a bit rude.

Quote: sootyj @ July 17 2008, 11:40 AM BST

Hey 2k if you don't like stuff fine, or you can offer improvements fine.

But sarcasm about some one else's work is a bit rude.

View original

Do you not think this is an example of someone just making fun of this forum?

If it isn't then I appologise.

Oddly enough no, it seems quite sincere if not that funny.

If he/she wasn't from Canada, I would be thinking that this was either a relative or student of David Moreton *shudder*

Quote: Writer2K @ July 17 2008, 11:42 AM BST

Do you not think this is an example of someone just making fun of this forum?

If it isn't then I appologise.

View original

I got the same feeling. This place is so rife with trolls with these days it's hard to tell what's what. If this is somebody's fledgling effort then I too apologise. But I doubt I'll have to.

Trolls turn to stone if they see daylight.

Maybe all posts should start with a description of what they can see out of the window?

Just had a look on Facebook and this might be a genuine poster therefore I reiterate the apology.