Not posted owt for a while. and barely ever anything topical. Your feedback on this one would be appreciated.
NEWSREADER (V.O)
Oxford Street's signholders marched today against Westminster Council's ban on hand-held signs.
WE SEE A SERIES OF PEOPLE MARCHING THROUGH THE SCENE HOLDING IDENTICAL (EMPTY) WOODEN STICKS, HELD UPRIGHT. THE FINAL MAN WALKS THROUGH HOLDING A GOLF GLUB IN THE SAME WAY.
END.
There's something there, I'm just not sure this is quite hitting it. The bit about someone waving a golf club doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps instead of that last line you could have:
NEWSREADER: In other news, sale of golf equiment is down 95%.
or something.
It's a good idea lacking clarity.
Maybe they all march with blank signes, some one asks them whewre the nearest golf sale is,
sorry mate on strike.
Thank you Afinkawan and Sooty for those comments. On this occasion I'm inclined to stick with my original, as I was after the more subtle approach (rather than being whacked with the 5 wood). But genuine thanks all the same.
On a wider note, is this the sort of thing that News Revue and that ilk accept? I can see it being staged fairly easily, but I don't know if they have room for such "quickies" in a run.
Hmm not really, not enough verbal, and not specifc enough to the news.
Quote: Badge @ July 16 2008, 3:25 AM BSTThank you Afinkawan and Sooty for those comments. On this occasion I'm inclined to stick with my original, as I was after the more subtle approach (rather than being whacked with the 5 wood). But genuine thanks all the same.
Really? :/ Where's the funny? I get that they often hold golf sale signs, but why does that make the golf club funny?
Quote: Aaron @ July 16 2008, 10:18 AM BSTReally? :/ Where's the funny? I get that they often hold golf sale signs, but why does that make the golf club funny?
Get out of critique! Your kind aren't welcome here!
What, comedy fans, as opposed to sycophantic/jealous/bitter writers...?
Quote: Aaron @ July 16 2008, 12:35 PM BSTWhat, comedy fans, as opposed to sycophantic/jealous/bitter writers...?
You forgot incompetent.
Quote: Aaron @ July 16 2008, 10:18 AM BSTReally? :/ Where's the funny? I get that they often hold golf sale signs, but why does that make the golf club funny?
Either you think it's funny or you don't. I clearly do or I wouldn't have posted it. You clearly don't. I don't mind! Thanks for your rare excursion into Critique.
Sooty, on a general point, do NR/Treason accept such quickies (if they are "funny")?
Yes they accept headlines, TS accepts captions, and both will take skits of 1-3 lines.
But look to rewrite the stgae directions so it can be better visualised with 4 actors and no budget.
I think it works fine. They're marching against not being able to hold signs. They can't hold signs because of the ban. Setup and punchline.
What Morrace mentions above is minutae. This is a perfectly good little visual gag.
I guess this one isn't going to run and run, and as ever if it needs explaining it probably wasn't any good (though I still like it). Perhaps some people have missed that this is a protest march. They are not supposed to be advertising anything in it.
I would forget the topical angle on this one and muse through a crowd of ordinary looking (passive) blokes carrying aloft 6 foot long two-by-two planed wood lengths. The possibilities of what they might do and the opportunities for comedy are endless to my mind. Needs about 20 blokes in it. It would make a great video rather than stage performance. Perhaps they could try poo sticks over a tiny bridge and an all most non-existant trickle of a stream...
As for the actual sketch you wrote Badge. I like the set up line and the first line thereafter. I didn't get the bit about the final man and the golf club.
Is it funny? If they don't laugh - f**k 'em!
I've had to f**k plenty! 
Quote: Badge @ July 16 2008, 12:49 PM BSTEither you think it's funny or you don't. I clearly do or I wouldn't have posted it. You clearly don't. I don't mind! Thanks for your rare excursion into Critique.
It was a genuine comment and question, not a personal dig or anything of that ilk! But fair enough, like you say, different tastes and all that.