Sitcom Sample - Bunker Page 2

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 10 2008, 3:55 PM BST

I guess I find it quite hard to imagine how it could progress with just the same 4 characters in the same couple of rooms.

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I think there is scope to make this work. Look at Red Dwarf where we have the same characters stuck on a ship. They still make it work with good plots and character interaction. Also consider The Young Ones. This show had a glut of funny and amusing asides to add to the four lads in a house.

I think that glaikits could get adventurous and think up no end of amusing situations his four characters could get themselves into. The post apocalyptic world he has created could let quite a few things happen that would affect the bunker.

Def.

Red Dwarf is exactly what I was thinking of, as it happens. Even Red Dwarf wasn't that claustrophobic - Kochanski hologram, confidence and Paranoia, themselves from the future/past, an extra Rimmer, meeting Kryten the first time, gelfs, alternate universes, the Better Than Life game etc. etc. etc.

I'm not saying it can't be done, I just find it hard to imagine such a closed system and wondered if that was a possible reason behind some of the rejections.

I like this one one, btw. We've got a bunker sitcom in with a production company. It's an adaptation from a novel written by one of the Slaggs' mates but it's a different setup to this one. There are ways of getting around the closed system

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 10 2008, 4:35 PM BST

I'm not saying it can't be done, I just find it hard to imagine such a closed system and wondered if that was a possible reason behind some of the rejections.

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I co-wrote a sitcom that had a weird setup (akin to a closed system sort of) and sent the synopsis idea to prodco's , who on the strength of the idea and further episode ideas, asked to see the full script. So a restrictive idea wasn't the problem here. I received rejections though and I believe the reason was that although the idea was sound, the script itself just wasn't good enough. It was my first sitcom script and I obviously thought it was at the time and was full of high hopes. But sadly you learn with experience don't you that what you thought was good, is in hindsight, just the first step of a long journey.

That's not to say that The Bunker is in that boat. I am merely giving some insight from my own experience.

Ok, I'm rambling now...

Def.

Ooh, some new responses. Mint.

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 10 2008, 3:55 PM BST

I suggested changing the word 'gay' because it's crap as a cuss. Mostly because it just comes across as a bit juvenile.

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Fair enough. I was aiming for a juvenile streak in Karl (with kicking the bin over and the little celebration when he gets a chair), but maybe that bit didn't work quite as I'd hoped.

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 10 2008, 3:55 PM BST

I I guess I find it quite hard to imagine how it could progress with just the same 4 characters in the same couple of rooms.

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I can see what you mean, but I was deliberately trying to scale the whole project down to the minimum amount of characters and sets to get back to the classic formula of sitcoms like "Steptoe & Son" (2 characters, 1 or 2 sets). Albeit with a post-apocalyptic theme.

Quote: SlagA @ July 10 2008, 4:44 PM BST

We've got a bunker sitcom in with a production company.

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This is typical of me - my first proper sitcom script was a horror spoof that got rejected from one prodco cos Garth Marenghi was in the works. I was working on a sitcom called "Extras" and then found out what Ricky Gervais's next project was going to be. And I was working on this great little spin on the superhero scenario when Heroes turned up and became a massive hit. Always one step behind...

Thanks for all the criticisms and compliments guys. I've been getting the post-rejection blues and its nice to get some genuine feedback.

Here's a bit more. I hope folks are still interested. It's a bit like a serial...

***

INT. BUNKER. DAY

GEORGE walks out of the computer booth with his head low. KARL is sitting with his feet up on the table. The blow-up doll is in the other chair, forcing RUSS to stand.

GEORGE approaches the table, goes to say something then reconsiders. He paces the room. KARL smirks.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Attention. The results of the appraisals are now in.

GEORGE stops and looks up at the speaker. He clasps his hands together. KARL closes his eyes and grins.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
George.
(pause)
Fail.

GEORGE
Oh dear God, no.

KARL looks even smugger.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Russell.
(pause)
Fail.

RUSS
Failed what, now?

KARL's smugness reaches bursting point.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Karl.

KARL
Good riddance, losers.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Fail.

KARL frowns.
KARL
You bastard.

GEORGE
What are we going to do?!

KARL
(to GEORGE)
All you had to do was get ONE appraisal right.

GEORGE
I know, I know. I screwed up. I'm my own worst critic – but I appreciate your honesty.

KARL
Then while I'm being honest, I'll add that you are the biggest bell-end I have ever had to -

GEORGE
Wait!

He puts his hand up.

GEORGE (cont.)
Here's a thought... Yes, yes. That makes sense. If all of us failed...who gets downsized?

He looks to KARL and RUSS. KARL shrugs. RUSS looks blank.

GEORGE (cont.)
There's no suitable candidate.
(pause)
We could all be safe.

KARL
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

GEORGE
No, no. This is it. It's got to be! We've cracked it!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Attention. In light of recent developments, if a volunteer does not come forward within the next twelve hours, all three crewmembers will have to vacate together. That is all.

GEORGE
But... That doesn't make sense! It's mass murder!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
While you make your decision, here is a little light music...

A muzak version of ‘Suicide Is Painless' starts to play.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN AREA. DAY

GEORGE, KARL and RUSS convene by the kitchen area – a tiny sink and worktop in the corner of the room.

GEORGE sets about making some tea. Awkward silence as this goes on. And on. And on. Finally...

KARL
So, who votes we sacrifice Russ, then?

GEORGE
Karl!

KARL
What?

GEORGE
We can't sacrifice Russ.

RUSS
Who's doing what, now?

GEORGE
He has to nominate himself.

They turn to RUSS.

KARL
Sacrifice yourself, Russ.

RUSS
Oh, I'm quite happy with my tea, thank you.

KARL
If you don't go, I'll cut you.

GEORGE
Karl!

KARL
I will.

He makes a stabbing motion with his teaspoon.

GEORGE
This isn't logical. Why get rid of all three of us? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense at all. It's...it's got to be a TEST. But testing what?

KARL
How best to cut Russ?

He makes the stabbing motion again.

GEORGE
No...

They drink their tea.

GEORGE
If only there was a way to make the computer think we've made a decision when we haven't...
(pause)
One of us could hide!
(pause)
No – somebody would still have to go up in the lift.
(pause)
Think. Got to think.

RUSS
Maybe I should ask my good friend John what to do. He'll help you out of your jam, I'm sure of it.

GEORGE
OUR jam, Russ. OUR jam. And this ‘John' character is going to be about as much help to us as Karl's blow-up doll.

They drink some more.

GEORGE stares at the blow-up doll. The doll stares back. GEORGE's face lights up.

GEORGE
You know. I think... I think I might just have a plan.

CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER BOOTH. DAY

The blow-up doll is wheeled into shot. It is now wearing a uniform identical to the others.

GEORGE
(O/S)
This is...ugh...crewmate John Dawson.

A hand reaches up and makes the doll wave.

GEORGE
(O/S)
Hi!

The hand drops.

GEORGE
(O/S)
Log entry number one...

The ‘tape' fast-forwards through numerous logs. Then, it stops. The doll now has a small paper beard stuck to its face.

GEORGE
(O/S)
Nothing much to report today.
(pause)
Again.
(pause)
Although George did say something fantastically witty during lunch...

Fast-forward. The doll's beard has been replaced by a bigger one.

GEORGE
(O/S)
...and then George said the FUNNIEST thing! I couldn't believe it! What a hoot!

Fast-forward. It now has a ‘full' paper beard.

GEORGE
(O/S)
...George was insisting we follow protocol, but I refused on the grounds that I am a selfish, self-serving freeloader.
(pause)
But I just can't get past how amazing George is. If only I could be more like him-

KARL coughs loudly O/S. A pause, followed by muffled dialogue.

The doll shakes as an altercation takes place beneath the desk. It falls out of shot.

Fast-forward.

The doll has been put back in the chair.

KARL
(O/S)
Blah blah blah. I'm shit. Karl is great. Yada yada yada.

CUT TO:

A younger, clean-shaven KARL now sits in the chair. In the following logs, the name ‘John' has been badly dubbed over the soundtrack.

KARL
Karl Adams. Log entry number one. The human race is extinct.
(pause)
Huzzah.

He sighs.

KARL (cont.)
Apparently we're supposed to keep a log, but WHY exactly, I don't know.
(pause)
That idiot George said [John] is suffering from post-traumatic stress. But if you ask me, he's just retarded...

CUT TO:

A younger GEORGE sits in the chair. He too is clean shaven.

GEORGE
George Barker. Log number one. It has been two days since all communication was lost. The world as we know it is over. Mutant creatures stalk the cities we once lived in. Shredded corpses litter the countryside. I just can't believe it.
(pause)
[John] says we should remain calm, but [John] disagrees. I'm just trying to remember what [John] once told me...

He rubs his forehead.

GEORGE (cont.)
...[John] routinely disobeys orders by picking on [John]. I complained to the [John], but it fell on deaf ears. If [John] was here, he'd know what to do.

He shakes his head, sadly.

GEORGE
[John] help us all.

CUT TO:

A younger, shaven RUSS sits in the chair. He is bleary eyed and uncharacteristically solemn.

RUSS
This is...ugh...Russell Cooper. [John] entry number [John].

He sniffs.

RUSS
The [John] is over. I [John] comprehend [John]. [John] are we going to [John]? My [John] – dead. Everyone's [John] are dead. [John John John John John].

He breaks down in tears. He cradles his head in his hands and then launches into a protracted scream of desperation. All we hear is silence, then, eventually...

RUSS
[John].

CUT TO:

Old security footage viewed on a monitor. GEORGE, KARL and RUSS – all clean shaven – mill around.

The images fuzz over and are replaced with new footage of the (now heavily bearded) crew in roughly the same places. The doll is now in shot – placed prominently in the foreground.

Fast-forward.

GEORGE controls the doll from behind, "Weekend At Bernie's"-style. He walks it around the room, stops and makes it shake RUSS's hand. RUSS looks confused.

Fast-forward.

GEORGE makes the doll do a bit of a dance. He then attempts some body-popping, before finishing with an ill-advised break-dancing routine. He ends up convulsing in back pain while the doll deflates pathetically.

Fast-forward.

The crew and the re-inflated doll play a haphazard game of Twister.

Fast-forward.

The crew act out an overblown fight scene between the doll and the three of them. Somehow, the doll is the victor.

The images fuzz over and are replaced with the original, pre-doll security footage.

CUT TO:

INT. BUNKER. NIGHT

RUSS hangs a framed picture on the wall and stands back to admire it. It is a group photo of the crew and the doll – all smiling and saluting the camera.

***

I'm really enjoying this.

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 14 2008, 1:43 PM BST

I'm really enjoying this.

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I'm hoping you meant that Afinkawan and it wasn't sarcasm (it's difficult to tell on these blogs)! For you and anyone else who wants to see how it finishes, here's the end of the script. Hope it meets your expectations.

**

KARL and the blow-up doll sit at the table, faking a card game. GEORGE paces the room, trying to look cheerful.

GEORGE
It's going to be fine, it's going to be fine.

He stops by KARL.

GEORGE (cont.)
Tell me it's going to be fine.

KARL shrugs noncommittally. GEORGE starts pacing again.

GEORGE
It's not going to be fine, it's not going to be fine, it's definitely NOT going to be fine.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Attention. Attention. A miscalculation has occurred.

They turn to the speakers.

COMPUTER (cont.)
(V/O)
All personnel please prepare for immediate inspection.

GEORGE and KARL look at each-other, unsure how to proceed. KARL shrugs.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
In five...

GEORGE visibly panics and starts darting around the room.

GEORGE
Russ, Russ – onto the line! Onto the line!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Four.

He shoos RUSS over to the line. KARL stays put.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Three.

GEORGE stands on the line next to RUSS and braces himself for the scan.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Two.

KARL coughs, causing GEORGE to turn. He indicates to the blow-up doll. GEORGE's eyes widen.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
One.

KARL gets up and casually saunters across. GEORGE grabs the blow-up doll and drags it over.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Scan initiated.

The lights dim as before. GEORGE stands arm in arm with the doll, and tenses.

No laser appears.

Something catches GEORGE's eye. The scan has begun in another part of the room.

Wide-eyed, they shimmy across to the new spot.

The scan continues without event. Finally, it completes and the lights go back up.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Inspection complete. All four personnel accounted for. Thank you for your cooperation.

They back off, GEORGE still arm in arm with the doll.

KARL
You make a lovely couple.

GEORGE looks confused, realises, and lets the doll drop from his grip.

GEORGE
Well, I...ugh... I think that should be about...it. Don't you think?

KARL does not acknowledge the question. He sits back down.

GEORGE
Ugh... Computer? Hello? We would like to announce our decision, please.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please state your volunteer...

GEORGE
John.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
You have selected ‘George'.

GEORGE
No, no! John! JOHN!

COMPUTER
You have selected ‘George'.

GEORGE
J-O-H-N! JOHN!

KARL chuckles.

COMPUTER
You have selected ‘Karl'.

KARL
JOHN!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
I am afraid that will not be possible at this juncture.

GEORGE
Why ever not?!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Crewmate John Dawson has not participated in an appraisal. As a result, he is ineligible for nomination.

GEORGE
Oh.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Would John please make his way to the computer booth for an imminent appraisal? Thank you.

GEORGE looks to KARL, who rolls his eyes and sighs.

CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER BOOTH. NIGHT

The doll rolls into shot. The chair stops so abruptly that the doll topples off. Hands appear and hurriedly upright it.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Good afternoon, John.

KARL
(O/S)
Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.

GEORGE
(O/S, hushed)
SHHH!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please prepare to begin the appraisal.

The doll scratches its head.

COMPUTER (cont.)
(V/O)
Question one. What do you feel you bring to the group?

KARL
(O/S)
Nothing. I bring nothing.

GEORGE
(O/S)
ORDER! I BRING ORDER!

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
What are you doing?

GEORGE
(O/S, hushed)
I'm sorry – I don't know where that came from. Just ignore me.
(out loud)
I AM THE SPIRITUAL CENTRE OF THE GROUP!

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
SHUT UP.

GEORGE
(O/S, hushed)
I can't help it! I'm sorry!

KARL
(O/S)
Scratch that last bit. I bring NOTHING to the group.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question two. What would you say your strengths are?

GEORGE
(O/S)
DISCIPLINE! UNDERSTANDING! A CLEAR HEAD UNDER PRESSURE!

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

GEORGE
(O/S, hushed)
I don't know! It's involuntary!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question three...

GEORGE & KARL
(O/S, shouted)
NO!

COMPUTER (cont.)
(V/O)
...what would you say your weaknesses are?

GEORGE tries to talk, but it comes out muffled.

KARL
(O/S, out loud)
Stalking. Masturbation. VANDALISING COMPUTERS.

GEORGE audibly breaks free from his restraint.

GEORGE
(O/S, screamed)
I GIVE TOO MUCH!

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

GEORGE
(O/S, hushed)
Oh God. I'm so, so sorry!

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
Get out. NOW.

Scuffling sounds. The door opens and closes.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question four. Please give an example of the last time you had to make a difficult decision and explain how you dealt with it.

RUSS enters the room and stands in plain view.

KARL
(O/S)
Blah blah blah. I hate computers – they stink. I hate the group – boo. DEATH TO ALL!

RUSS looks down.

RUSS
What are you doing on the floor?

An arm shoots down and drags RUSS under the table.

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
Crouch here. Keep your mouth shut then answer the next question.

RUSS
(O/S, out loud)
Okay-doke.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Final question. If you could change one aspect of the group and its work here, what would it be and why?

A long pause.

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
It's you.

RUSS
(O/S, out loud)
And there's you.

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
Answer the question.

RUSS
(O/S, out loud)
Oh, right. Well, in answer to your question, I would suggest a total restructuring of the team dynamic, starting with the appointment of an official spokesperson for all decision-making and brainstorming activit-

KARL
(O/S, shouted)
KILL THE COMPUTERS! DOWN WITH THE COMPANY! ANARCHY! ANARCHY! ANARCHY!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Appraisal complete. Thank you for your time.

KARL sighs deeply.

KARL
(O/S, hushed)
What the hell was THAT?

RUSS
(O/S, out loud)
Did I not do it right?

CUT TO:

INT. BUNKER. NIGHT

The doll wheels out of the computer room, followed by KARL and RUSS. KARL gives the chair one final shove and it flies across the room, hitting the table and toppling over.

He sits down in the one remaining chair. RUSS rights the fallen chair and doll. He pats it on the head affectionately.
GEORGE lies on the table, curled up in foetal position. He rocks, gently.

KARL prods him with a pencil.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Attention. The results of the appraisal are in.

KARL and RUSS turn to the speakers.

COMPUTER
John.
(pause)
Fail.

A collective sigh of relief. GEORGE sits up.

GEORGE
Oh thank God.

KARL
Thank f**k for that.

RUSS
Poor show, John. Better luck next time.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
However, upon reviewing logs and surveillance material, it has been decided that John will be the only personnel to remain in the bunker.

GEORGE
What?! WHY?

COMPUTER (cont.)
(V/O)
Subject profile – John Dawson. Positive feedback on personnel – sixty-two percent. Influence on group morale – seventy-one percent. Increase in personnel interaction when present – ninety-four percent. Remained presence - critical.

GEORGE
Oh dear God. We've created a monster...

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Would the three remaining personnel please prepare for immediate evacuation from the facility?

KARL bangs his head rhythmically against the table.

RUSS
Are we going on a trip?

GEORGE indicates to the doll.

GEORGE
Just look at him. This fictitious crewmember has done more to improve the morale and wellbeing of this bunker than any of the real people here ever could. And now he's to be only one saved. The human race cut off in its prime to best suit the needs of a man made of rubber. And to think –

His face lights up.

GEORGE (cont.)
Hang on a minute! I think I've got an idea!

CUT TO:

INT. BUNKER. NIGHT

The doll sits in the chair, silently watching three uniformed figures standing in the lift.

Over the speakers comes a muzak version of the funeral march.

Under the table crouch GEORGE, KARL and RUSS, wearing only their long-johns.

GEORGE
I'm telling you – this is foolproof...

KARL sighs and shakes his head. GEORGE gives him two thumbs-up.

We see the figures in the lift more clearly – they are a hat stand, a clothes horse and a standing lamp.

The lift doors close ominously.

- THE END.

I've just stumbled across this script again. Did you get anywhere with this ?

Def.

I think the first problem you're going to come up against is the Sci-Fi angle. Commissioners are notoriously hard to win over on sc-fi comedies. They're difficult to get right and very expensive and tey get turned down by even very experienced writers, so I fear a new writer would struggle to get a high-concept project like this one off the ground. Also the end of the world scenario is a very common one in script submissions I hear.

Having said that you have a genuinely nice, interesting way of writing dialogue which makes you want to keep turning the page, which is half the battle. Your characterisation is good and generally the piece paints images in the head of the reader - it's easy to imagine - which again, is an instinctive skill in itself that I believe can't be taught or learned.

I think it needs tightening up a bit - it's a bit sloppy around the edges and could have more jokes but with a bit more work I think it'd be an excellent calling card script.

I'm surprised you've not had better feedback to be honest. Who have you sent it to?

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 13 2008, 1:35 PM GMT

I think the first problem you're going to come up against is the Sci-Fi angle. Commissioners are notoriously hard to win over on sc-fi comedies.

View original

Says the guy co-developing a paranormal sketch show...

Quote: David Bussell @ November 13 2008, 1:42 PM GMT

Says the guy co-developing a paranormal sketch show...

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What's that show going to be called by the way?

Quote: David Bussell @ November 13 2008, 1:42 PM GMT

Says the guy co-developing a paranormal sketch show...

View original

I know.
I'm not saying it's impossible to get something different off the ground, just difficult. Especially when you're not a "name"

Quote: Marc P @ November 13 2008, 1:44 PM GMT

What's that show going to be called by the way?

View original

God knows. It was provisionally titled Underbelly but there's a show aboutto be transmitted with the same name.

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 13 2008, 1:50 PM GMT

I know.
I'm not saying it's impossible to get something different off the ground, just difficult. Especially when you're not a "name"

God knows. It was provisionally titled Underbelly but there's a show aboutto be transmitted with the same name.

View original

The Australian cop thing perhaps?

I don't think that title ever really properly illustrated the remit of the show, I have to say.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ November 13 2008, 1:53 PM GMT

I don't think that title ever really properly illustrated the remit of the show, I have to say.

View original

I like it as a title but it did seem crazy to go ahead with it knowing there was already a show of that name. It's especially bad news that it's now coming to our shores pipped as "The new Sopranos" though.

Anyway, to the matter at hand...

I read this a while back and remember liking it. You've a nice writing style. It's just a shame that because of the sci-fi hobbling Lee mentioned already and the double whammy of Lab Rats you're going to face such an uphill struggle selling this thing.

Quote: David Bussell @ November 13 2008, 1:55 PM GMT

I like it as a title but it did seem crazy to go ahead with it knowing there was already a show of that name. It's especially bad news that it's now coming to our shores pipped as "The new Sopranos" though.

View original

I saw an episode when I was in Australia; full of ex-home and away actors. Watchable, but certainly not The Sopranos!