Jesus the Carpenter

This idea was originally a scene in a religious parody sitcom I'm working on, but it didn't really fit, so instead I've taken it and turned it into a sketch. Interested to hear your thoughts.

EXT. DAY - 30AD - A MOUND SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE JERUSALEM.

JESUS is preaching to a crowd, they are enthralled as he comes to the end of his sermon.

JESUS
...and so let those of you who are without
sin, cast the first stone.

There are sounds of awe amongst the crowd as they take in Jesus' wisdom. One man at the back, DAVE, is frantically waving his hand.

JESUS (CONT'D)
Yes my son, what is it.

DAVE
Oh, hi Jesus, that was really interesting, what
you just said there, about the stone throwing and
that, but I have a question.

JESUS
Certainly my child. What is it?

DAVE
Well, what I really want to know is, in order
to stay within acceptable standards, is how far
above the counter top should I hang my kitchen cabinets?

JESUS
What?

DAVE
Kitchen Cabinets? My mate Bob tells me you're a carpenter.

JESUS
Well yes, I was, but now I'm following my calling
as the son of God.

DAVE
So the carpentry thing has fallen by the wayside?

JESUS
Yes, I am no longer a carpenter.

VOICE IN THE CROWD
(shouting) He fitted my kitchen last year!

JESUS
(to the crowd) Look, that's not what I do now, OK?

DAVE
If you could just give me a ball park distance
for the cabinets?

JESUS
About 16" is standard, but you'll need 30" if
it's above your oven. Right, any more questions for me?

WOMAN IN THE CROWD
I was wondering if I could get a quote for a
new set of upstairs window frames?

JESUS
(ignoring her) Are there any more questions about God?

There is some murmuring in the crowd. At the front BOB raises his hand.

BOB
Hi Jesus. I have a question.

JESUS
Hello my child, continue.

BOB
God is all seeing and knowing, and he
loves us all, right?

JESUS
That's right.

BOB
Well, what I want to know is, if God were
to build a stairway, all the way up to
Heaven, for us, his children...

JESUS
Yes?

BOB
..then between the ground and first floor, what
type of wood should he use?

JESUS
Oh for God's sake (looking up) sorry Dad.
Look, you lot don't deserve me. I'm off to
somewhere I'm more appreciated.

Jesus notices PETER is still next to him, scribbling away furiously.

JESUS (CONT'D)
Peter, what are you doing?

PETER
Taking notes, just like you said.

JESUS
Well scrap that last bit, no-one is going
to want to read that.

PETER
And the bit about the kitchen cabinets?

JESUS
Scrap that too. In fact, stop at the bit about
the stone, that had a certain ring to it.

It is funny, but you have not really succeeded in turning it into a sketch. It kind of Peters out.

Although it Peter-ed out a bit at the end (sorry!) I liked it lots. I feared it would be a bit too Life of Brian-ish, but I think you avoided that.

Ending needs some work though.

Quote: Timbo @ July 11 2008, 11:47 PM BST

It is funny, but you have not really succeeded in turning it into a sketch. It kind of Peters out.

View original

Shit I was doing the Peter gag as well but you posted first

Reminds me a bit of the setup in one of the 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' episodes where a hollywood star is revealed to have once been a photocopy repair man. Alan Partridge wheels out a broken photocopier and challenges him to fix it.

Back to the sketch. I didn't find the jokes hard hitting enough. I think you need to make Jesus get much angrier.

I liked it very much. I think if you ramp up Jesus' annoyance a little and give it a punchy end it would be a great sketch. Nice one.

Bo.

Quote: Badge @ July 11 2008, 11:57 PM BST

AI feared it would be a bit too Life of Brian-ish, but I think you avoided that.

View original

I can half imagine them all singing; "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" at one point.

However, it is funny, you might struggle to get it into a sketch because it sounds more like one of those pub jokes that goes on and on. Keep up the work though, it seems good, I'll look out for some more stuff.

I really like it.

As for the ending..
A fast paced sketch show, straight on to the next one..

I think it works.

Nice one.

JESUS TO ROMAN SOLDIER ATTACHING HIM TO THE CROSS:

JESUS: you're not going to use a nail there, are you? You'll split the wood. You need a self tapping screw – and make it a brass one son, it's going to rain in about fifteen minutes...

Jesus and carpentry jokes are too easy IMO. There is even a gospel which portrays him doing miracles in his father's carpentry shop, if you study the gospels other than the synoptic ones.

It's very nicely written, but even Mel Gibson in The Passion of the Antisemite has a Jesus carpenter gag. It is also very much Life of Brian.

Build in a twist punchline and it might be going more places.

Maybe Judas runs the local MFI, and doesn't want the competition?

Thanks for the feedback, it is a little on the long side, and the punchline lacks a twist and is a bit weak (a legacy of it originally being a sitcom flashback scene I guess).

I'll work on a re-write and might post it up if it gets any better (low priority though as I don't think there's much market for this type of sketch).

Agree with Timbo that it's funny but more of a scene in a sitcom rather than a sketch.

I agree with Morrace's comments however I prefer the original sketch. I think the sketch works better when Jesus is the isolated one not Dave.

As this is obviously not plagarism but instead an original sketch in the style of Life of Brian/Monty Python/Alan Partridge then I think you should take heart from this.

Rewrite by all means as an exercise to improve your writing, then move on and write something else

Quote: Morrace @ July 13 2008, 2:07 AM BST

First off - for those who say it's very ‘Life of Brian' – yes it is. But there again ‘Blazing Saddles' (1974) is very 'F Troop' (1965) which also (and originally) featured a 'Jewish' Indian - and in turn, ‘The Frisco Kid (1979) is very ‘Blazing Saddles'(1974) and so on. My point being that unless something is actually plagiarised, the comment ‘this is very this' or ‘this is very that' is unhelpful.

Anyway – on to ‘Jesus the Carpenter'. The sketch is very funny and I laughed at what I considered to be the punch line, I.E. Dave's line:

"Well, what I really want to know is, in order to stay within acceptable standards, is how far above the counter top should I hang my kitchen cabinets?"

Everything after that is unnecessary – e.g. ‘My mate Bob tells me you're a carpenter.' Dave KNOWS Jesus is a carpenter, HOW he knows is irrelevant.

Finally, I think it would work better this way:
_______________________________________________________________________________

EXT. DAY – 33 AD - A MOUND SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE JERUSALEM.

JESUS is preaching to a crowd, they are enthralled as he comes to the end of his sermon.

JESUS
...and so let those of you who are without sin, cast the first stone.

There are sounds of awe amongst the crowd as they take in Jesus' wisdom. One man at the back, DAVE, is frantically waving his hand.

JESUS (CONT'D)
Yes my son, what is it?

DAVE
Oh, hi Jesus. What you just said was really interesting, I mean about the stone throwing and that - but can I ask you a question?

JESUS
Certainly my son. What is it?

DAVE
You're a carpenter, right?

JESUS
By trade, yes – but I am also the Son of God.

DAVE
Wow! Even better! So in order to stay within acceptable standards...(HE LOOKS AT HIS NOTEPAD)..

JESUS
(SLIGHTLY IMPATIENT) Yes, my son?

DAVE
(LOOKING UP FROM HIS NOTES) How far above the worktop should I hang my kitchen cabinets?

THE CROWD MUTTER AND STARE AT DAVE INCREDULOUSLY, AS DOES JESUS.

DAVE IS PUZZLED BY THE CROWD'S REACTION AND HOLDING HIS HANDS UP, HE LOOKS AT MEMBERS OF THE CROWD IN TURN.

DAVE
What?... What?... (LOUDER) - WHAT?

________________________________________________________________

View original

Hmmmm...not a great re-write. I no longer think you're Graham Linehan...maybe a bored Sam Bain?

I did love this sketch. Made me laugh.