British Comedy Guide

Confessional Page 6

I once crapped in a wheelybin. I was desperate.

I sometimes don't scan things properly on the Tesco Self Scan aisle so I get them for free.

I used to sit on my sister's face when I was a kid and fart right up her nose.

I drink and smoke too much even though I'm diabetic and it could kill me.

I still keep an ex-girlfriend's extracted wisdom tooth in my old wallet. I have no idea why.

I talk in my sleep - loudly. (No, not to aliens Pete)

I was mugged in Aberdeen but didn't tell anyone.

I've snogged Carol Decker out of T'Pau.

I'm highly attracted to girls who wear specs.

I masturbated every single day, including Christmases and bank holidays, from roughly age 15 to 21.

I have mates who I really wish weren't.

My legs are ridiculously short.

Quote: Perry Nium @ July 10 2008, 11:35 PM BST

I once crapped in a wheelybin. I was desperate.

I sometimes don't scan things properly on the Tesco Self Scan aisle so I get them for free.

I used to sit on my sister's face when I was a kid and fart right up her nose.

I drink and smoke too much even though I'm diabetic and it could kill me.

I still keep an ex-girlfriend's extracted wisdom tooth in my old wallet. I have no idea why.

I talk in my sleep - loudly. (No, not to aliens Pete)

I was mugged in Aberdeen but didn't tell anyone.

I've snogged Carol Decker out of T'Pau.

I'm highly attracted to girls who wear specs.

I masturbated every single day, including Christmases and bank holidays, from roughly age 15 to 21.

I have mates who I really wish weren't.

My legs are ridiculously short.

And? That happened to me last Tuesday. Amateur.

I confess to one of those too Perry.

Quote: Perry Nium @ July 10 2008, 11:35 PM BST

I once crapped in a wheelybin. I was desperate.

I sometimes don't scan things properly on the Tesco Self Scan aisle so I get them for free.

I used to sit on my sister's face when I was a kid and fart right up her nose.

I drink and smoke too much even though I'm diabetic and it could kill me.

I still keep an ex-girlfriend's extracted wisdom tooth in my old wallet. I have no idea why.

I talk in my sleep - loudly. (No, not to aliens Pete)

I was mugged in Aberdeen but didn't tell anyone.

I've snogged Carol Decker out of T'Pau.

I'm highly attracted to girls who wear specs.

I masturbated every single day, including Christmases and bank holidays, from roughly age 15 to 21.

I have mates who I really wish weren't.

My legs are ridiculously short.

Did you accidentally post your CV?

Tell us the Carol Decker story - goo on!

Quote: ian_w @ July 10 2008, 11:50 PM BST

Tell us the Carol Decker story - goo on!

Are you sure it wasn't her double?

Brilliant Perry. :D

I wish my stories were more exciting, but here they are anyway:

When I was 10, me and two mates got into this massive old school that had closed down. It had 3 floors, and when we were at the top, messing around in this massive science lab, that looked more like a University lecture theatre, an alarm went off. We legged it all the way down to the bottom, then realised we'd gone the wrong way, so had to run all the way back up, and back down the other way. When we finally made it out the gate, we could see a Police car entering another gate, at the other end of the road.

When I was 16, I went to Anfield, with two of my mates, who were/are Liverpool fans (I'm an Everton fan, for those who don't know), for the Merseyside Derby. As we didn't have tickets, we thought we might be able to buy some, from a tout, but didn't have any luck. Anyway, about 10 minutes after the game had kicked off, we were getting ready to leave, and we saw a steward opening a door, to the big Centenery Stand, and, when his back was turned, we ran past him, and started running up the stairs. Now, being a Derby, this was a ridiculous thing to do, as the chances of there being any seats available were very slim, and, as the steward was in hot pursuit, we were bound to get caught anyway. When we were halfway up, the steward caught up to one of my mates, and marched him back down to the door. This allowed me and my other mate to make it to the top. When we got there, the stand was packed, but, as if by magic, there were two empty seats, a few stairs up, right on the edge! We sat down, and, when the steward came back up, we started pointing at the pitch, talking gibberish, as he scanned the seats, trying to find us. He did this for about a minute, then gave up, and went back down. It was a good job my mate was caught, as there wouldn't have been a seat for him. He ended up waiting outside for the whole match.

When I was 17, me and some mates got stuck on a train platform, after the people from the ticket office went home, without noticing we were sitting in a shelter, at the far end of the platform, not knowing we'd missed the last train. We'd been drinking all night, and were all totally pissed. The next thing, the most stupid of my mates suggested we cross the track, and climb over a wall, as it was the only way we could get out. I was well against it, but, as my mates were all for doing it, I thought I'd see if they managed it first. After they all made it, I decided I'd do it. I'll never forget the noise of the humming track, as I crossed it, desperately trying to keep my balance, due to me being so pissed. It was a stupid thing to do, but I made it.

Finally, probably the only proper crime I've ever committed, was when I was about 16, and I was in a second-hand record shop one day, and I took a CD. The CD in question was in a box tht was all cracked, and had bits chipped off, so it was hardly going to make the shop-owner a lot of money. I was the only customer in there, and the owner was standing at the entrance, with his back turned, talking to someone outside, on the pavement. It was perfectly set up, and I had this voice in my head, telling me to do it, as I knew I'd get away with it. I was like Doogle off Father Ted, or Bart Simpson, looking at a button that has "Do not press this" written above it. It was in front of me, on the counter, and I just kept looking at it, then looking at the shop owner, with his back turned, trying to decide whether I should do it. I'd never stolen anything before, not even sweets, when I was in Primary school. Anyway, after a quick check for security cameras, I took it, and put it in my bag. I did balance things out a bit, by actually buying another CD, before I left. Oh, and when I eventually walked out, I relised the shop-owner had been talking to a Policeman!

Quote: catskillz @ July 11 2008, 2:05 AM BST

When I was 16, I went to Anfield, with two of my mates, who were/are Liverpool fans (I'm an Everton fan, for those who don't know), for the Merseyside Derby. As we didn't have tickets, we thought we might be able to buy some, from a tout, but didn't have any luck. Anyway, about 10 minutes after the game had kicked off, we were getting ready to leave, and we saw a steward opening a door, to the big Centenery Stand, and, when his back was turned, we ran past him, and started running up the stairs. Now, being a Derby, this was a ridiculous thing to do, as the chances of there being any seats available were very slim, and, as the steward was in hot pursuit, we were bound to get caught anyway. When we were halfway up, the steward caught up to one of my mates, and marched him back down to the door. This allowed me and my other mate to make it to the top. When we got there, the stand was packed, but, as if by magic, there were two empty sets, a few stairs up, right on the edge! We sat down, and, when the steward came back up, we started pointing at the pitch, talking gibberish, as he scanned the seats, trying to find us. He did this for about a minute, then gave up, and went back down. It was a good job my mate was caught, as there wouldn't have been a seat for him. He ended up waiting outside for the whole match.

Laughing out loud

Best one! Poor sod ha ha! All for one and one for all and all that!!

Anyone else fraudulently get the green club card points on the self scan checkout even though you're not using your own bags?

Quote: Simon Stratton @ July 11 2008, 10:38 AM BST

Anyone else fraudulently get the green club card points on the self scan checkout even though you're not using your own bags?

But of course!

I have to confess to nearly bursting into laughter today at the worst moment in history. I did my damn best to keep it under wraps but once I got outside, I hit the floor and now I feel bad but I still can't help sniggering about it which makes it worse.

I went shopping with my friend today to buy pressies for his girlfriend and for me to raid my fave shop when I discovered it was closing down. I was very distressed cause it has been my fave shop ever for years and if I wanted something they didn't have, they would order it for me and put stuff aside for me till pay day and would give me the odd freebie cause I have spent that much there! My friend decided I needed cheering up with a happy meal. As we sat down, even with my nuggets and toy I was still sad. Our seats were by the tills and, as this woman, in a hurry it seemed, turned to walk away with her food, she tripped over a small child having a hissy fit on the floor. She staggered and smashed into and stand where they have the straws and napkins. As she did - and don't ask me how, it was all so fast - her glass eye popped out of her head and flew across the floor. The small child was now hiding behind his mum having just seen this eye come flying out and everyone just stared. She got a bit distressed so two memebrs of staff grabbed her eye and took her to what I think was the staff toilet. I couldn't help myself. The laughter bubbled in me like a volcano. I couldn't look at my friend cause I knew that I would just burst. I focused on my phone, pretending I hadn't noticed! But I think she saw me going purple in the corner and knew that I was trying not to laugh. Once she had gone, my friend grabbed me and we legged it out the front and just burst. Everyone must have thought we were nutters! But it at least cheered me up. I do feel bad though.

But more importantly, did she kick the child in the face? And what did the eye cavity look like?!

Quote: Aaron @ July 11 2008, 6:39 PM BST

But more importantly, did she kick the child in the face? And what did the eye cavity look like?!

As empty as it's soul.

Could you see a bit of her brain?

By the way Ruby, you're just pure evil! :P

Oh my GOD!!

I would have, quite frankly, pissed myself.
Especially being with a friend. I'm astounded you lasted till you were outside to be honest!

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