Welcome to the eighth edition of ‘Meet the Writers.' This week's interviewee is Martin Baum, better known to the BCG as Baumski.
Mother of God, what have you done?
I've had a couple of theatrical comedies produced - 'The Trouble with Jimmy' and 'Accommodating Moose'. I've had several others which have benefited from readings in front of a live audience which, on a personal level, I prefer to a dead one.
I've been writing for News Revue for about ten years and was in at the beginning for the Treason Show before it was even christened. I've rubbed shoulders with all the great and the good but nothing else with Eric Page, The Big Gay Following from Balls of Steel, who also was part of the Brighton 'Happening'. When satellite TV was in its infancy, I was writing for a cable station based in Birmingham and I did my stint on Huddlines too.
In between times I found it paid to get in touch with my feminine side by writing short stories and articles for most of the mainstream women's magazines.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Something about rubbing your balls on the shoulder of a big gay? No?
Er, what attracted you to being a writer and junk?
Because it was there. Too vague? It's just something I've always done be it as a lyricist or short storyist.
Are you fully committed to comedy now or are you going to keep your options open like a giant slut?
With the success of the book has come opportunity and an agent. I am now in the company of Tom Conti, Toya, Peter Sallis, Keith R Lindsay who has collaborated with John Sullivan on 'Green Green Grass' and more - which is just a bit more than nice. The upshot is that it has put a completely different slant on where my career in comedy is going to end up. I'm not on my own anymore which has made a huge difference. How much of a difference? About 15%.
Talk us through how you landed yourself an agent.
The truth is, it just happened, as did so many other events that went on when everything kicked off with the book. Because of all the national and international media attention I got, I found the agency mountain coming to me as opposed to the other way round. I wish I could say it was more complicated than that but the truth is it wasn't. I suppose that having a best seller on my hands - and I'm guessing here - I suppose it made me appear less of a risk.
So they just lined up like a row of stoned groupies and invited you to take your pick? The filthy minxes. Next time I phone an agent that's the image I'm going to fix in my mind - a stick-thin junkie glancing coyly over her shoulder whispering, "Take me, Bussell".
*cough*
You've written theatre you say. Ever trodden the boards?
Back in the 70's I went to drama school and just didn't take to it. I've got nothing against actors per se - in fact some of my new best friends are actors - it just isn't for me.
You write novelty songs, or ‘Filks' as you call them. Are they something you perform or do you just whore them out to the highest bidder?
Contrary to scandalous rumour - and you know who you are, Aaron - I've never owned a pink oboe but I do have a guitar. The nearest I ever got to performing was busking in Spain with a couple of mates (who really could play) and ending up in an Irish Bar in Shagaloof called 'Dicey Reilly's'. We spent the summer strumming songs about not being a wild rover, no never, no more, no how, and totally failing to get off with anyone. Crazy times.
You play so why not perform your own songs, you big girlywhig?
I can handle the basic chords. What I can't handle is singing or rather - and this is the important bit - singing in tune. There is a wonderful adage that really could have been written about me. "Ladies and gentlemen, I've suffered for years for my music and now it's your turn." So no, sadly, I don't ever perform my own songs.
What does your writing day look like?
As of next week, coastal views. I have a beach hut, which is where I count myself as being a very, very fortunate bloke. Sandcastles aside, it's a wonderful and relaxing place to write and very inspiring. Shit, I'm talking like a real yokel. Bummer.
Who are you calling a bummer? You're the shoulder rubber!
What sort of articles do you write for women's magazines?
Anything in the news that I reckon is fair game. I look upon it as an extension of writing a script, just as fulfilling, only longer. I like the discipline but like Max Mosley, that's entirely my affair.
A friend of mine writes the "readers" stories in men's mags. He takes special delight in signing them off with the names of friends. So look out for a "Martin Baum, Shropshire" in a Razzle near you.
What was it like being interviewed by the rags?
To be honest it was just great having the story picked up by all the national press. The leader on page one of the Telegraph was, I guess, a real highlight but as the interviews are still going on, and being a writer of a sensitive disposition, it's just nice being wanted.
As a burgeoning celebrity, will your sex tape feature a room full of low rent hookers or one high class prostitute?
Well, it all depends on what kind of a wedding it is.
Aside from that, what's the naffest gag you've ever written?
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was stuck to the pervert.
Get out of my house.
Martin's book ‘To Be or Not to Be, Innit: A Yoof Speak Guide to Shakespeare' is available to buy here.
Last week's ‘Meet the Writers' was with Ariane Sherine
didn't disapoint. Top work Good stuff Martin and David.
Don't forget me.... 
