I think that getting a 'critique' thread over 120 posts is probably the greatest achievment that David Moreton has achieved on this site.
Sitcom - appraisal welcome Page 9
Quote: Graham Bandage @ July 11 2008, 10:09 AM BSTNo, but they could restrict posters to one persona.
Indeed. Wasn't turtle101 slung out for commenting on his own post under an alias?
The debate rages on; I don't want to sound like a stuck record here, YES, I am genuine & please can we try and keep the comments mostly related to my output? Here is another scene; I've had to leave out one joke, just to protect my original work, but the rest I'm happy to put on here. Adn again, thank you to the people who are supporting - either via liking it, or by constructively criticising it. As always, feedback is appreciated...
INT. JOKESHOP (KITCHEN) – NIGHT
MULDOON and SKIMMER are sitting at the kitchen table playing Connect4.
MULDOON:
Hurry up, you've taken well over a minute. This is supposed to be Speed-Connect4.
SKIMMER:
Why can't we just play the normal, tried and tested way.
MULDOON:
Because this is how the kids play it. Drop a red coin, drop another, drop one more and hey – it's nearly Connect4 – and all in the space of seconds. Come on man, get sexy.
SKIMMER:
I don't know – for me, the whole ethos of Connect4 revolves around carefully planned moves and intricate stratagem.
MULDOON:
Boring! You reckon Fart-girl will be impressed with that? I mean, what are you, thirty years older than her?
SKIMMER:
Four years. And age is all relative.
MULDOON:
Right, yeah. You'll be making a fool of yourself if you end up playing a board game with her and take an hour over each move. Don't say I didn't warn you, yeah.
SKIMMER gathers his thoughts and starts manically dropping his counters into the Connect4 board. MULDOON looks on in, nonchalantly digging into a Walkers Grab Bag.
MULDOON:
What the twat are you doing?
SKIMMER:
I'm being sexy and appealing to Mel.
MULDOON:
Yeah, really not a good look.
SKIMMER :
But you said…
MULDOON:
I say a lot of things. I reckon your best bet is to play up on the fact that you're older.
SKIMMER:
Like a mature turtle? Wise and well paced.
MULDOON is now listening to his Ipod. He nods and gives SKIMMER a thumbs up gesture. SKIMMER gets up and storms out of the kitchen.
MULDOON:
(to himself)
I shall have you Mel, Connect4 and you're done!
CUT TO:
Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 11 2008, 10:09 AM BSTI think that getting a 'critique' thread over 120 posts is probably the greatest achievment that David Moreton has achieved on this site.
That sentance is about 3 words too long.
Agree entirely, however one is critique, the other would be abuse
Quote: Timbo @ July 11 2008, 10:04 AM BSTWhich is not exactly a denial.
Unlike, it seems, every other poster in this thread, I'm not in the business of wild speculation.
Quote: sootyj @ July 11 2008, 10:06 AM BSTModerators can't just sling people out, becuase they might be Trolls.
Not sure if this is meant to be taken seriously or not, but this is correct - emphasis on the might.
wild speculation? I suppose you think Santa being fake is a crazy conspiracy theory?
oh well, as someone once said...The Jokes on You.
Quote: Aaron @ July 11 2008, 11:02 AM BSTUnlike, it seems, every other poster in this thread, I'm not in the business of wild speculation.
Not sure if this is meant to be taken seriously or not, but this is correct - emphasis on the might.
Well yes absolutely seriously. I think BSG is about the fairest, and most civil forum I've used. And crappy as my English is, the avoidance of text speak is great.
Just a shame a few people abuse the trust occaisonally.
Quote: Pete @ July 11 2008, 11:04 AM BSTwild speculation? I suppose you think Santa being fake is a crazy conspiracy theory?
His name is Father Christmas! 
You want a conspiracy, clowns.
Why do we trust strnage men, who wear make up to allow them to get close to children.
Pretty suspicios I reckon.
And as for postmen......
Any feedback on the latest extract? Anyone?
You keep leaving out the flavour of the snack products which makes it really hard to visualise.
Quote: davidmoreton @ July 11 2008, 11:18 AM BSTAny feedback on the latest extract? Anyone?
Nope.
You're right Sootyj clowns are very suspicious, but what is it about our postmen that you dont trust?
I thought the last extract was an improvement on the earlier scenes I've read. I still didn't find it funny, but I could at least see why someone else might like it. I got a sense of the situation and how the relationship between them might work more in this one than in previous clips.
A line which really didn't work at all for me was the turtle being 'well-paced'. And I found the swearing irritating again. It seems to be in there because 'swearwords are funny'. They can be, but they need to be clever. I know you've heard this before and don't agree but.. *shrugs*
No, I take that on board. I think the reason that Muldoon swears is because he enjoys the freedom that his 'challenging' personna affords him. Clearly, he just wants to be loved - but via outlandish swearing, he puts up a wall against any detractors.