Sitcom - second attempt.

Sod the pilot episode; I've decided to write episode three instead. And I've made it a radio sitcom and I've completely changed most of the characters and the setting. I've decided to call it "Multi-Tasking" and here are the first five pages.

Multi-Tasking - Episode Three

SCENE ONE

F/X: Sound of phone ringing and being answered

KAREN: Hello, Dan Slab Investigations. Karen speaking, how may I help you?

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: I’m afraid he’s not that sort of investigator. He’s an investigative journalist, not a private detective.

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: Well I suppose he could do an exposé of your wife (BEAT) at least I assume you mean your wife when you say, "that faithless slut"?

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: No I don’t know her. I was just guessing that was who you meant.

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: Her ice-skating instructor? No, unless she happens to be cheating on you with an MP or some such, I don’t think Mr. Slab would be interested. You could try Graham Norton – I’m sure he’d be interested in doing ‘Faithless Sluts On Ice’.

F/X: Angry babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: I was just trying to lighten the mood a little...Oh, he’s gone.

F/X: Phone being put down
F/X: Door opening

DAN: Morning Karen, was that a job?

KAREN: Hi Dan. No, another mistaken call. I’ve managed to line you up a few volunteers for your gravity investigation though.

DAN: Great! You did warn them that they wouldn’t be covered by insurance?

KAREN: It’s OK. They’re only students.

DAN: Have they all signed the disclaimers?

KAREN: Yes and half of them have asked for a copy of the footage for their Big Brother audition tapes. Are you sure you want to go ahead with this?

DAN: It’s fine. They’ll be safe enough as long as they can swim.

KAREN: It’s just that most journalists doing gravity would probably investigate the current scientific theories, the cutting edge research, that sort of thing.

DAN: Most journalists wouldn’t know an interesting angle if it bit them on the arse.

KAREN: (UNDER HER BREATH) Most journalists would actually manage to sell their stories…

SCENE TWO

ATMOS: Street noises

TIM: Owen, I am NOT going to help you steal a skip! What are you going to do with it?

OWEN: I’m going to rent it out to people and at the end of the week I’ll rent another skip, empty this one into it and get them to dispose of the waste. I get six days skip rental for virtually nothing. It can’t go wrong. Look, someone’s even dumped a load of paint tins in it so I can repaint it before hiring it out.

TIM: But you can’t even work out how to steal it in the first place. It must weigh about a ton. Couldn’t you do something more sensible like…like make a load of fake, cardboard skips to rent out?

OWEN: That’s a ridiculous idea. No, I can borrow a boat trailer from a friend; you just need to help me find a way to get it onto the trailer. You’re better at details than I am.

TIM: I suppose I could work something out for you but I won’t help with the actual stealing. I’m always dropping the soap in the shower, there’s no way I’m going to do time.

OWEN: Look, just work out a way to get it onto the trailer, I’ll buy you a few pints and you won’t have to go anywhere near it. Unless you decide to rent it off me then I’ll do you a week but only charge you for three days.

TIM: Great. I come up with a plan to steal a skip for you and you still try to rip me off for 2 days skip rental.

OWEN: I’m a businessman Tim.

TIM: You’re a con-artist.

OWEN: But thanks to you, I’ll soon be a con-artist with a freshly-painted skip.

SCENE THREE

DAN: Sorry Karen, I forgot to ask. Can you get me a giant elastic band please?

KAREN: A giant elastic band...? What for?

DAN: For my investigation. I’ll see you later; I’m off to break into Stephen Hawking’s house.

KAREN: What?! Dan!

F/X: Door being shut as Dan leaves

KAREN: Where the hell am I supposed to find a giant elastic band?

F/X: Sound of phone ringing and being answered

KAREN: Hello, Dan Slab Investigations. Karen speaking, how may I help you?

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

KAREN: Oh, hi Sue. Fine thanks, although it sounds like I might have to go down the police station later to bail Dan out again.

F/X: Indecipherable babbling on the other end of the phone

Yes I know it cuts off suddenly but I did say I was only showing you five pages and that's where page 5 ends. Thoughts?

Hooray! It's Dan Slab off the telly!

I wonder if the elastic band question should be placed before the Big Brother gag. I had to re-read to work out what he was planning to do with the students, and that might make it a bit more explicit.

Got a good Radio 4 feel, though.

Hmmm. I wasn't trying to make it explicit. I already know what he's going to do to them so it's a bit awkward to work out what people can infer from what I have written. I've taken out the line about aiming them at the lake instead so that it's not linked until his report turns up near the end of the episode.

*original line: DAN: It’s fine, I’ll be aiming them at the lake. They’ll be safe enough as long as they can swim.*

Yes, Radio 4 was blatantly what I had in mind. I reckon there's a better chance there than the telly. And there aren't too many sitcoms with a female main character so that might improve its chances.

I liked the 2nd and 3rd scene, the 1st one just didn't seem to grab me.

Good stuff, you are going to link the scenes in the next couple of pages?

Not in the next couple of pages, no. There's a couple more things to throw in the mix first but yes, it will all get tied up by the end.

Quote: Afinkawan @ July 10 2008, 10:57 AM BST

Hmmm. I wasn't trying to make it explicit. I already know what he's going to do to them so it's a bit awkward to work out what people can infer from what I have written. I've taken out the line about aiming them at the lake instead so that it's not linked until his report turns up near the end of the episode.

View original

I think that works better. I think before you fell between two stools. Now you've got a vague mystery going on with a few strands which will be pulled together to reveal the experiment. A bit like a Rolf Harris painting.

I think there is potential and I think it does work well as radio rather than sitcom. I was starting to pick up on the characters but I would probably need to read more to grasp them, as at the moment I am not totally 'feeling' them, if that makes sense.

I do like the way you have the 'indecipherable babbling' going on. For some reason that f/x always makes me laugh. Apart from that though I thought the jokes were a bit bit thin, but as always, once the main story is in place and you are happy with the overall flow then you can go back and tinker with the funny lines.

Why are you doing episode 3? Why not episode 2 or indeed the pilot? I'm just curious.

Def.

I've already identified a few places where there needs to be a funnier line instead of what's there currently. Once I've firmed up the entire plot of the episode I'll go back and refunny some of it to tie in with later events.

I decided to do episode three for a couple of reasons. Pilots often tend to be about introducing the characters. I've already got a reasonable idea of what they're like so I thought I'd write a non-pilot to see if they stand on their own without explanation. If they do, I can write the pilot without having to explain them. Also I read somewhere that some producers like seeing a mid-season episode for a similar reason - do the characters stand up without explanation and how good is the writer when doing actual plots instead of trying to introduce people/settings.

Also I'm not sure whether Dan Slab's finished investigation will be a 'thing' in every episode or just some of them. So I went for episode three in case I don't do one in episode 2.

But largely it's just because I'm an awkward bugger.

I seem to remember Linehan and Matthews wrote a mid-series episode of Father Ted first.

Excellent. Now I just need to work out how to be as funny as them and I'm sorted.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ July 10 2008, 4:22 PM BST

I seem to remember Linehan and Matthews wrote a mid-series episode of Father Ted first.

View original

I think they just played them out of written order in the end. I'm going by a hazy recollection of one of their transcript books.

Oh, and Afinkawan, I like the premise of an investigator's secretary being the main character of a piece. Giving the second fiddle the focus is a nice little switch. Five pages and I haven't laughed though. Haven't a clue where the story's leading either.

I thought this was pretty good. It needs tightening up though and the skip story better be going somewhere.

The dropping the soap gag's good.