British Comedy Guide

The Early Days of Rhyming Slang

EXT. COBBLED STREET - DAY

BLACK AND WHITE.

HAVING JUST COMPLETED A COAL DELIVERY THE COALMAN STANDS AT THE DOOR OF COCKNEY ALF’S TERRACED HOUSE TO COLLECT PAYMENT.

COALMAN
So that's three sacks of coal, Alf… that'll be two and six if you please, squire.

ALF
Hang on a cock linnet. We'll need to wait for the trouble and strife. (SHOUTS) Doris!

THE COALMAN NODS. THERE IS A SHORT PAUSE.

COALMAN
Sorry, what's happening?

ALF
Waiting for the wife.

COALMAN
Your wife. Right.

ALF
She's just up the old apples and pears getting the bread and honey.

COALMAN
Apples what? I don’t understand - she's picking apples? I don’t have time for -

ALF
No. Apples and pears.... stairs. She's upstairs.

COALMAN
She’s upstairs! I see... could've sworn you said something about fruit just there.

ALF
It's the rhyming slang innit.

COALMAN
What is?

ALF
Trouble and strife, wife… apples and pears is stairs. It's all the rage.

COALMAN
Is it really?

ALF
Oh yeah, all us cockney types is doing it round here me old china… plate… mate.

COALMAN
Right. (BEAT) Why?

ALF
Why what?

COALMAN
What is the point of it, this rhyming slang?

ALF
Well... it’s… it’s to stop outsiders from eavesdropping, I suppose... stops them prying into our affairs... finding out our secrets and… (SHOUTS) Doris! Hurry up!

LONG PAUSE

ALF
If you wanted to join in I could write down a few phrases, you know… just to get you started.

COALMAN
Nah, I’ll leave it thanks. To be honest it sounds a bit…

DORIS APPEARS AT THE DOOR. SOMEWHAT OUT OF BREATH.

DORIS
Sorry love, I’ve been in a right two and eight. I thought the bees and honey was the Lucy Locket of my Billy but I couldn’t find it. Looked under the Fakey Ned and in the old Mother Hubbard but do you know where it was? (LAUGHS) Only the bleedin’ Karsey Moilet! Would you Adam and Eve it!

ALF THINKS FOR A SECOND.

ALF
(To Coalman) You’re right, it does make you sound like a right struggle and grunt, don't it.

END

Not bad, but punchline is a bit weak, could be funnier if coalman called them c**ts shwoing a grasp of rhyming slang.

by the way rhyming lsang for c**t is Berk, as in Berkley Hunt

Good sketch. Have to say I liked the punchline though. Made me laugh anyways.

Enjoyed this and thought the punchline worked just fine.

This is good. Two points:

I thought the punchline might work better as 'merchant banker'. I think that this is better known rhyming slang and will result in a quicker reaction.

And, good as it is, have you considered where this might be used?

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 10 2008, 10:08 AM BST

This is good. Two points:

I thought the punchline might work better as 'merchant banker'. I think that this is better known rhyming slang and will result in a quicker reaction.

And, good as it is, have you considered where this might be used?

Dunno - I liked struggle and grunt even though I've never heard it before. Educational and obvious what it rhymes with (and also sounds a bit like a euphamism for sex (had a bit of a struggle and grunt last night with that girl down the bar)).

I agree with SootyJ. Use the correct rhyming slang. Good sketch though.

Is there really such a thing as correct rhyming slang? Aren't there multiple variations for a given word?

True for any language.

But there is common parlance, the msot accepted versisons.

Thanks all. I'd never heard "struggle and grunt" myself - I got it from a cockney rhyming slang website. I thought it sounded appropriate for the period setting and I also liked the fact it was a little out of the ordinary.

Thanks again,

Bo.

Does make it nicely explicit though. I've used berk for years without having a clue about its derivation (thanks, by the way, sootyj).

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