EXT. COBBLED STREET - DAY
BLACK AND WHITE.
HAVING JUST COMPLETED A COAL DELIVERY THE COALMAN STANDS AT THE DOOR OF COCKNEY ALF’S TERRACED HOUSE TO COLLECT PAYMENT.
COALMAN
So that's three sacks of coal, Alf… that'll be two and six if you please, squire.
ALF
Hang on a cock linnet. We'll need to wait for the trouble and strife. (SHOUTS) Doris!
THE COALMAN NODS. THERE IS A SHORT PAUSE.
COALMAN
Sorry, what's happening?
ALF
Waiting for the wife.
COALMAN
Your wife. Right.
ALF
She's just up the old apples and pears getting the bread and honey.
COALMAN
Apples what? I don’t understand - she's picking apples? I don’t have time for -
ALF
No. Apples and pears.... stairs. She's upstairs.
COALMAN
She’s upstairs! I see... could've sworn you said something about fruit just there.
ALF
It's the rhyming slang innit.
COALMAN
What is?
ALF
Trouble and strife, wife… apples and pears is stairs. It's all the rage.
COALMAN
Is it really?
ALF
Oh yeah, all us cockney types is doing it round here me old china… plate… mate.
COALMAN
Right. (BEAT) Why?
ALF
Why what?
COALMAN
What is the point of it, this rhyming slang?
ALF
Well... it’s… it’s to stop outsiders from eavesdropping, I suppose... stops them prying into our affairs... finding out our secrets and… (SHOUTS) Doris! Hurry up!
LONG PAUSE
ALF
If you wanted to join in I could write down a few phrases, you know… just to get you started.
COALMAN
Nah, I’ll leave it thanks. To be honest it sounds a bit…
DORIS APPEARS AT THE DOOR. SOMEWHAT OUT OF BREATH.
DORIS
Sorry love, I’ve been in a right two and eight. I thought the bees and honey was the Lucy Locket of my Billy but I couldn’t find it. Looked under the Fakey Ned and in the old Mother Hubbard but do you know where it was? (LAUGHS) Only the bleedin’ Karsey Moilet! Would you Adam and Eve it!
ALF THINKS FOR A SECOND.
ALF
(To Coalman) You’re right, it does make you sound like a right struggle and grunt, don't it.
END