Hello!
I wrote a butler sketch ages ago which is at: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/3874. A cleaned up (dialogue wise, not tone wise) was sent off to a producer a while back. He said he liked the punchline, but the rest of the sketch got bogged down in reveals and the characters didn’t have much motivation – which are fair points. Anyway, here’s a rewrite I’ve been working on for the last few days:
INT. GRAND STUDY
Lord Jerry is sat at a desk writing. Winston (the butler) enters.
Winston: (COUGHS)
Lord Jerry: What d'you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
Winston: I wanted to know if you had considered my payrise, sir.
Lord Jerry: Yes. (SHOUTS) You’re not getting one!
Winston: Is there any particular reason why, sir?
Lord Jerry: Tell me, Winston, do you know why I’m so obscenely wealthy?
Winston: Yes, sir, it’s because your family have raped and pillaged the working class for the last 800 years.
Lord Jerry: And a damn fine job we’ve done!
Winston: I know, sir, but my wife requires an operation and it can’t wait. She needs to go private.
Lord Jerry: And I need to drive my Bentley. What d’you think it runs on? Charity?!
Winston: I see, sir. (SIGHS) It’s a case of the rich get richer and the poor get... the NHS.
Lord Jerry: Exactly! I can’t risk losing everything that my family has lied, cheated and stolen for.
Winston: What if, sir, I were to… No, I couldn’t.
Lord Jerry: If you were to what?
Winston: If I were to blackmail you, sir?
Lord Jerry: I beg your pardon?!
Winston: I’d like to remind you, sir, that I do have those photos of you having sex with a horse.
Lord Jerry: You wouldn’t dare!
Winston: You want a bet, Sir?
Lord Jerry: (QUIETLY) No.
Winston: And why’s that, sir?
Lord Jerry: Because last time I lost a bet with you I had to have sex with a horse. (SIGHS) I’m buggered aren’t I?
Winston: Quite literally, sir. (WINKS)
ENDS
