Sitcom Sample - Bunker

Hey guys.

I've been a bit of a voyeur of this site for a while, but have never deemed any of my thoughts or work worth posting till now.

I wrote this sitcom pilot, sent it off to everywhere and finally the rejection letters have started trickling in. That's fair enough, but there's no feedback or criticisms. I hoped you guys might have some thoughts.

It's called 'Bunker' and its about three scientists holed up in an underground bunker after the end of the world.

Here's the beginning of the pilot script. It's really just introducing the characters and setting up some plot elements for later.

Hope you like.

***

INT. BUNKER. DAY

An uncomfortably cramped, minimally-furnished underground bunker. GEORGE, an edgy, twitchy scientist, fusses around RUSS, his gormless, distant colleague. Both wear matching uniforms. They would be considered handsome if not for their Rip Van Winkle beards.

The disembodied voice of the COMPUTER crackles into life via a central set of speakers. She talks with the broken, monotonous tone of an automated phone-line.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Inspection to commence in one minute and counting.

GEORGE
Come ON Russ – onto the line! Quickly! QUICKLY!

He shoos RUSS along as if he were a disobedient toddler.

RUSS
What’s happening again?

GEORGE
We’re having an inspection.

RUSS
By the Queen?

GEORGE
What? Of course not by the Queen!

RUSS
Oh.
(pause)
By Prince Phillip?

GEORGE
No, not by Prince Phillip. Now, get onto the line.

He positions RUSS where a long red line has been marked out on the floor.

GEORGE (cont.)
And...STAY.
(called out)
Karl? Karl?

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Failure to comply will result in immediate recrimination.

GEORGE paces the room, looking around. RUSS absently follows behind him.

RUSS
Who are you calling on? Princess Margaret?

GEORGE
Karl, of course!

RUSS
Oh. Right.

He processes the information.

RUSS
And what are we doing, exactly?

GEORGE
Having an INSPECTION! Now get back on the line!

RUSS wanders off.

GEORGE
KARL! What is keeping you?

RUSS is behind him again.

RUSS
So, why are we-?

GEORGE
(screeched)
Back onto the line! The Queen is coming! The Queen is coming!

He turns away.
GEORGE
KARL!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Ten seconds and counting.

GEORGE
Where ARE you?

He opens a door and checks behind it.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Four.

GEORGE
FOR GOD’S SAKE!

He checks under the table.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Three.

GEORGE
IT’S THE SAME EVERY MORNING!

He checks in a locker.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Two.

GEORGE
(screeched)
KARL, MAN!

He cautiously opens a cardboard box, a if expecting someone to jump out at him.

KARL
(O/S)
WHAT?

GEORGE lets out a yelp. He turns to find KARL – identically uniformed and bearded – standing on the line next to RUSS, awaiting inspection.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
One. Scan initiated.

The lights dim and a red horizontal laser appears. It moves down, through the air, toward KARL and RUSS.

GEORGE leaps across the room and onto the line – moments before the laser hits him.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Under no circumstances attempt to vacate the line during scanning.

GEORGE and KARL tighten up instantly. The scan continues on, down to their waists.

An alarm sounds. GEORGE and KARL’s eyes open wide and move from side to side.

The scan stops.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Unidentified life form detected.
(pause)
Please state your identity...

GEORGE and KARL lower their gaze. A wheelie chair has been left across the line.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please identify yourself, or affirmative action will be taken...

GEORGE
Wheelie chair! Wheelie chair!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
You have selected ‘intruder’. Is this correct?

GEORGE
No no no!

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

GEORGE catches KARL’s attention and indicates to the chair. KARL frowns and shakes his head. GEORGE looks to RUSS, who smiles absently. He turns back to the chair, wide-eyed.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Final warning.

As if independent of his body, GEORGE’s leg shoots out and kicks the chair away from them.

A laser fires out, obliterating it. GEORGE and KARL stare in shock at the scorched floor and faint wisp of smoke that was once the chair.

The alarm stops.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Crisis averted. Inspection complete. All three personnel accounted for. Thank you for your cooperation.

GEORGE and KARL take a big step backward and let out a collective sigh of relief.

RUSS curtsies...

RUSS
Your majesty.

...and casually takes a seat.

***

The opening has caught my attention. I would be interested to read more.

Odd so far. Keep going and we'll see how it shapes up.

Thanks for the comments so far. As I'm putting the next bit on, I'm realising I've taken way too long to get round to the main plot. Important elements are set up for later, but methinks I should have really hit the ground running.

Anyhoo, here's the next bit for those that are interested...

***

GEORGE and KARL watch him then both clock the one remaining chair. They make a dash for it. GEORGE succeeds. KARL turns his lunge into a casual lean against the table.

GEORGE regains his composure.

GEORGE
So.
(short pause)
That could’ve gone better.

RUSS stares into space. KARL tries to look nonchalant as he leans uncomfortably against the table.

GEORGE (cont.)
Right then. Next on the agenda.

He consults the clipboard in front of him.

GEORGE (cont.)
Personal issues. Anyone got any thoughts on that? Anything to get off your chests?

KARL looks like he has something to say, reaches into his pocket, then gives GEORGE the fingers.

GEORGE
Russ?

He turns to RUSS, who appears surprised at the sound of his own name.

RUSS
Can I help you?

GEORGE
Yes. Any personal issues you’d like us to address? Anything at all?

RUSS
Who and the what now?

GEORGE
Never mind.

RUSS
Understood.

A long, awkward pause. KARL changes leaning arms.

GEORGE
So, I suppose I’ll have to lead the discussion. Again.
(pause)
Okay, well, I’d like to acknowledge that I’ve been experiencing some very real...ugh...well, feelings – you could say – of...um...well, you know...

He glances around at his colleagues for help. He gets none.

GEORGE (cont.)
Loneliness. Intense feelings of loneliness.

KARL
(coughed)
GAY.

GEORGE
Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but I feel it needed to be said.

Awkward silence.

RUSS
Well, if you feel so strongly about it, George, then maybe you could try joining a dating agency? Or have a go at that speed dating I’ve been hearing so much about?

GEORGE
THE WORLD HAS ENDED, YOU BERK!

RUSS
Come again?

GEORGE
We’re all that’s left!

RUSS
Of the guests?

GEORGE
Of the guests?

RUSS
At the resort?

GEORGE
What resort?

RUSS
This resort.

GEORGE
What are you talking about?

RUSS
What are YOU talking about?

GEORGE
(sighed)
Nothing. Never mind. It doesn’t matter.

RUSS
Fair enough.

A pause.

GEORGE
It’s not just romance, though. It’s company. Varied human company. And conversation. Decent conversation.
(pause)
With real people.

RUSS
Well, personally speaking, when I need a change of scene from you gentlemen, I like to spend some time with my good friend John. He’s excellent company.

A pause. GEORGE and KARL looked confused.

GEORGE
Is John your...penis?

KARL guffaws.

RUSS
Of course, not. John is my best friend.

GEORGE
You have a best friend here? Called John?

RUSS
He has a fantastic backhand.

GEORGE
And what does this ‘John’ do, exactly?

RUSS
Whatever he pleases. He’s very well respected.

GEORGE
I’m sure he is.

RUSS
Perhaps we could all get together for a game of doubles and a spot of lunch next week?

GEORGE
Mmm, yes. That would be...excellent. I’ll look forward to it.

He turns to KARL and widens his eyes. KARL stares back at him, blankly.

GEORGE
So how about YOU, Karl? How do YOU stave off the lonely feelings?

KARL scowls.

KARL
Well, GEORGE, not being a complete mentalist and all, I’m actually pretty capable of entertaining myself without resorting to blubbing or making up imaginary friends like a pair of schoolgirls.
(pause)
You knob.
(pause)
And if THAT ever fails me – which I’m sure it won’t – I’ve always got Lucidia to keep me company...

GEORGE
Lucidia?

KARL
Yes, Lucidia is my penis.

KARL fails to hold a straight face.

KARL
No, no. But SERIOUSLY. Take a look in my storage locker.

GEORGE looks to the locker and then to KARL. KARL nods encouragingly. GEORGE gets up and walks over.

KARL slides himself onto the free chair and grins. He pumps his fists into the air in celebration.

GEORGE
You smuggled an inflatable sex doll into the bunker?

KARL looks smug.

GEORGE (cont.)
No, wait. You smuggled a MALE inflatable sex doll into the bunker?

KARL’s smugness does not falter.

KARL
It’s just masculine, you body fascist.

GEORGE
It says so on the box.
(reads)
Male inflatable sex doll.

KARL
The ‘fe’ in ‘female’ obviously got scratched off. What’s the matter? Jealous you didn’t think of it first? Loser.

There is a loud screech of air as the doll inflates before their eyes. A humungous rubber penis bounds into view. They stare at it in bemusement.

KARL
So, I’m a homosexual. Going to make anything of it?

The computer crackles into life.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Attention. Attention. Special announcement. There are to be cut-backs in personnel, effective immediately.

All three turn to look at the speakers.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
It has become necessary for one crewmember to vacate the facility so that supplies and vital power may continue. Appraisals will commence shortly and a suitable candidate will be selected from the results. Thank you for your cooperation.

GEORGE
(panicked)
But this is MURDER! We won’t...we won’t survive up there! The mutants! The mutants!

Silence.

KARL
It’s quite simple – all those who volunteer for extermination, please stand up.

GEORGE glances around, panicked.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Can Karl please come to the computer booth?

KARL sneers. GEORGE stares at him, expectantly. KARL lets out a growl, gets up, and stomps across the room. He kicks over a bin as he goes.

***

Still odd, still interesting. Keep 'em coming.

Interesting concept, some moments had my face creasing in extremis - keep writing. I've put my latest scene up, so feel free to comment, you clearly know your onions.

Is this a studio audience sitcom? I like the premise, lots of potential fun and I think you should stick with it - but it needs to go through another edit I'd say, cutting out some of the drama and replacing it with more jokes. e.g. the scene where they're scanned - need a couple of extra gags in there before the final punchline.

Also, I'm all for stupid characters, but surely Russ would have worked out the world had ended by now?

And, whilst it might ruin some of your jokes, I suspect a commissioner would want to put a female in the bunker (meeting their diversity quotas and all that)... so perhaps you should do that from the off to save having to have that conversation later (Red Dwarf and The IT Crowd both had a female put in to balance things)

Anyway, thanks for posting. I think it's got potential so do stick with it.

Quote: Mark @ July 9 2008, 11:30 AM BST

Also, I'm all for stupid characters, but surely Russ would have worked out the world had ended by now?

View original

Denial?

On the female character thing, in my head I heard the computer with a female voice. The challenge on this is going to be how you open it up, and that will indicate the scope for introducing female characters.

The computer voice is female. It says "she". I think that's female presence enough. Take the Red Dwarf example with Holly. And look what happened when they introduced flesh and blood women to that show. Craposity.

It's a really good premise, Glaikit, and I don't think you need to worry about hitting the ground running - I think you set it up really well. Could do with a few more jokes but so far so good.

Thanks for the new comments, guys. Much appreciated.

Quote: Mark @ July 9 2008, 11:30 AM BST

Is this a studio audience sitcom?

View original

It's supposed to work equally as well as either. I was trying to keep my options open, having only written single camera sitcoms in the past.

Quote: Mark @ July 9 2008, 11:30 AM BST

Also, I'm all for stupid characters, but surely Russ would have worked out the world had ended by now?

View original

Timbo is right - Russ is supposed to be in denial, not stupid, although he is a variation on the classic 'sitcom idiot' character. All three characters were supposed to be embodiments of the various stages of coping with grief (in this case grief at the world ending) - denial (Russ), preoccupation with the trivial (George), and belief in nothing (Karl). Dunno how well that came across, but that was the plan.

Quote: David Bussell @ July 9 2008, 12:40 PM BST

The computer voice is female. It says "she". I think that's female presence enough. Take the Red Dwarf example with Holly. And look what happened when they introduced flesh and blood women to that show. Craposity.

View original

Exactly. I liked the idea of these emotional men being bossed around by an emotionless woman.

And Red Dwarf got SO bad when Kochanski came in. So, SO bad.

For those that are still interested, here's the next bit. The gags started coming a bit better by this point. Also, it's supposed to cut back and forth a lot. I hope it's not too confusing.

***

INT. COMPUTER BOOTH. DAY

A tiny little room that makes the main bunker look spacious. KARL enters and sits down at the desk, facing a large red lens that acts as the computer’s eyes.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Good morning, George.

KARL frowns.

KARL
George?

He processes the information. A grin forms.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please prepare to begin.

KARL
Certainly.

He leans back in the chair and relaxes.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question one. What do you feel you bring to the group?

KARL
What do I bring to the group? Nothing. Nothing at all.
(pause)
Zip. Nada. Zero.
(pause)
Sweet fu-

CUT TO:

GEORGE now sits in the chair. He shuffles around, distractedly, trying to get it straight.

GEORGE
What do I bring to the group?

He frowns and shuffles around some more.

GEORGE
I bring...ugh...
He shifts, fiddling with the seat mechanism.

GEORGE (cont.)
...I bring...er...

The seat shoots down, leaving him eye-level with the desk.

GEORGE (cont.)
...um...

CUT TO:

RUSS now sits at the desk. He smiles pleasantly.

RUSS
What do I bring to group?

A long, long pause.

RUSS
What was the question, again?

CUT TO:

KARL again. He sits, arms folded, with a smug grin on his face.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question two. What would you say your strengths are?

KARL
Being weak?

He thinks.

KARL (cont.)
Stealing from the company!

CUT TO:

GEORGE again. He is still eye-level with the desk.

GEORGE
Can we go back to the first question, please?

CUT TO:

RUSS once more.
RUSS
Strengths...strengths...
(pause)
No, sorry - it’s gone.

CUT TO:

KARL now.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question three. What would you say your weaknesses are?

KARL
Ooh... You name it – theft, murder...

He thinks.

KARL (cont.)
...necrophilia?

CUT TO:

GEORGE has managed to fix his seat.

GEORGE
Right, where were we? What do I bring to company? Well...

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please answer the question asked...

GEORGE
No, no. Wait. I can do this.

The seat shoots down again.

CUT TO:

RUSS, stroking his chin.

RUSS
Ooh... Yes... VERY good question...

He carefully considers his answer.

RUSS
Pass.

CUT TO:

KARL, slumped in the chair. He looks bored.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Question four. Please give an example of the last time you had to make a difficult decision and explain how you dealt with it.

KARL rolls his eyes.

KARL
Blah blah blah. I don’t care...

CUT TO:

GEORGE, who has fixed his chair once again and now leans forward, gesticulating forcefully as he talks.

GEORGE
I feel that I bring to the group a sense of HONOUR, DUTY...PROFESSIONALISM. I care for the little details...

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please answer the question as-

GEORGE
LET ME FINISH!

CUT TO:

RUSS, who leans against the desk casually.

RUSS
Well, I was once in this appraisal and I had to answer a really difficult question – I don’t remember what it was exactly, or how I dealt with it, but you get the general idea, don’t you?

He smiles, as if to reiterate the point.

CUT TO:

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Final question. If you could change one part of the team and its work here – what would it be and why?

Silence. KARL stares at the computer, then leans forward.

KARL
BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAAAAAAAAH!

CUT TO:

GEORGE leans across the desk and clasps his hands together, pleadingly.

GEORGE
Please, just let me go back and start again at the beginning. No-one need know. I can do this. Please. I’m begging you.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Please answer the questi-

GEORGE
(screeched)
I’M TRYING TO, BUT YOU WON’T LET ME!

CUT TO:

RUSS smiling.

RUSS
What would I change? Nothing at all. It’s perfect as it is.

COMPUTER
(V/O)
Appraisal complete. Thank you for your time.

RUSS
No – thank YOU.

He gets up and leaves.

GEORGE pokes his head up from under the desk. He checks that the coast is clear then scrambles into the seat.

GEORGE
Okay, he’s gone. Now, get this down. What I bring to the company, is...

CUT TO:

***

I am yet to read the third section you have posted up, but I thought the first two you posted were really good. So far I like the characters and the situation they are in. I think you could have a lot of fun with their scenario, and you could essentially be free to do whatever you want with the story.

I am in work at the moment but I look forward to reading your'd third section later when I get more time.

EDIT:
Ok, have read the third section. I don't think this is as strong as the first two parts in isolation. I obviously don't know what is coming next but I think you had a good opportunity in this tird extract to play characters against each other as the try and ensure they become one of the two survivors and not the one 'removed' from the bunker.

I thought the cutting back and forth was good but at the moment I would question the characters reactions - but this is because I do not not what you have planned, only what you have posted here.

Def.

You said you needed some proper feedback. Right.

I like it. let's start with that eh?

In the first Scene, Russ seems a bit TOO confused in my opinion. It gave me kind of the wrong idea about him. I pictured a drooling imbecile rather than someone in denial. I'd cut a few of his lines or try to make it about expecting the Queen instead of being confused as to what is happening.

You need to change a couple of words. Change 'recrimination' to retribution' or 'termination' or something similar. Change 'affirmative' to something else like 'deadly' . In section 2 you're probably best off changing the word 'gay' to something else.

"GEORGE
THE WORLD HAS ENDED, YOU BERK!" feels more like something that Karl would say. I'd have Karl involved in the discussion that follows. Just pick a couple of George's lines and give them to him instead.

I'm enjoying it. Scene three is very good.

Where do you see the rest of the episode going? Where do you see the rest of the series going? You might be getting rejections if Producers cannot see where the story has 'legs'.

thanks for the feedback Afinkawan. I'll take your suggestions into account for any subsequent drafts.

Where your reservations about the word "gay" for fear of seeming offensive, or did you just think there was a funnier word that could have been used there? Looking back, I'd agree with the latter.

As far as the rest of the episode going, it is fully written (and revised to the standard that you've seen so far) - I can post the rest in bits for you to read or just give you a brief synopsis of how the plot goes if anyone's interested. Some of the more random elements (the blow-up doll, the Computer mistaking a chair for an intruder, Russ's imaginary friend) all come together to form the thrust of the second part (hopefully in a way that doesn't seem cheesy or predictable!).

The rest of the series kind of follows a similar structure of mixing extreme boredom/bickering with the characters managing to get themselves in and out of serious trouble. I wanted to keep the series very tight and claustrophobic, so I wasn't planning on introducing any other characters (but hadn't ruled it out). I have plots for a further five episodes if anyone wants a look.

I'm not sure how interested people are in reading all this, so I'll just keep posting stuff till no-one responds anymore!

I am enjoying it glaikits and am interested in reading more as long as you are happy to post it up.

I am intrigued to see where it's going and what will happen to the characters as this episode plays out.

Def.

I suggested changing the word 'gay' because it's crap as a cuss. Mostly because it just comes across as a bit juvenile. Calling him 'you girl' or 'poofter' would be funnier I think. The other word change suggestions were just because I think the words you chose don't quite mean what you were aiming at.

I'd definitely be interested to see the rest of the episode but I guess I find it quite hard to imagine how it could progress with just the same 4 characters in the same couple of rooms. Perhaps that's why producers haven't really gone for it? Apparently they like to see at least two serieseses potential in any sitcom they look at.

Perhaps you could tell us the plots for the other 5 episodes as well once you've posted the remainder of this one?